What to Do When My Grandmother Brings Up Her Dead Brother

ALCB

Hello all. My grandmother has undiagnosed dementia (probably stage 4 or 5). She seems almost fine in the morning, but is a major sundowner and can't hold a conversation after about 6:30 PM. Her brother died in May, but I'm not sure if she remembers. Her long-term is usually fine, but she hasn't brought it up once since the funeral and she's usually one to be sentimental, even in front of young kids. Although she's always been a bit cagey with me about things in the family with me because I'm the youngest of her grandchildren and technically not related to her (it's through marriages), it still seems odd that she doesn't mention or allude to it at all which leads me to believe that she's forgotten. She also does talk about my biological grandmother as if she was still alive. If she has indeed forgotten that he died and mentions him (or in general, if she brings up dead family members/friends), should I go along with it or tell her that he's dead, or is there no firm rule?

H1235

You need to live in her world. If she thinks he is alive just roll with it. First you don't want her to to relive the grief and second she may get upset/ angry and tell you you are wrong and last does it really make sense to have this conversation with her every few days when she forgets. My mil was taken to a funeral out of state(should not have happened, it was too much for her). The day after her return she had forgotten about the trip and that the person had passed. It’s not easy, but it’s all about what is best for her.

SusanB-dil

Agree with H1235 - When our LO asks where 'so-n-so' is, we say he just isn't here right now. Went on business trip, went out for a while… whatever works.

There was a poster who used to tell the truth every time. Her LO would grieve all over again. every time. and that is more cruel than just saying they aren't available at the moment.

Carl46

I would go along with it. I never did tell my mother when her younger sister died, or when her best friend since high school died. I wasn't brought up to make old ladies cry.

GothicGremlin

I'm with the others - just go along with it. If you bring it up, it's just going to cause your grandmother to grieve each time.

When my sister would ask about our parents (who had both passed away), I'd just tell her that they were stuck in traffic. Worked every time.

forbarbara

agreed. Early on, my MIL depended on me to help her sort out her confusion. But as she went deeper into her dementia, my reality just frustrated and frightened her. Someone - maybe a nurse - took me aside and said “You don’t have to be a truth-talker any more. “

I have to say life with MIL in her world was a lot more fun for me than trying to bring her back to my world. Find love and laughter where you can.

dancsfo

I agree with other replies. You may be able to provide a different answer for each time it is brought up, in case one answer brings puzzled looks or further questions that's hard to deal with. It's likely that a previous answer won't be remembered.

Try to find an answer that is satisfactory and doesn't bring grief.

harshedbuzz

@ALCB

I agree with the others who say to "meet them where they are" or "join them in their world".

Memory loss in dementia is progressive in a LIFO— last in, first out— manner. Often PWD will recall detail from long ago but have no memory of recent events. This can make them seem to be living in the past.

For a time in dad's disease progression, he was sort of hazy on my late sister— was she sick or had she passed. He'd pose his question with "She's dead, isn't she?" which made it harder to knew where he was mentally on the topic. What worked in those times, was to use the question as a segue into telling him a funny story from her childhood. It helped keep his memory of her which I suspect her feared losing on some level. It wasn't until the later stages that I could diffuse the "where's your sister?" question with an excuse about her being busy with her work and young daughters— a time when her life was on a better trajectory.

HB

Russinator

I also agree with the others.

ALCB

Thank you guys so much! She's just come up for new years and isn't doing too well, so have a feeling this is going to come up soon. Thanks again

oregonkris

The term I heard for this was therapeutic lying. If the truth will cause her unnecessary pain it’s far kinder to lie. “Brother’s at the dentist” “Dog is at the groomer” “Mom’s working”

BfloSis

At a certain point, what we can offer is just comfort and security. My sister's bond with me is stronger now than it has ever been—her husband says I'm "deeper in her brain" than he is. We have returned to what I see as a "primal" sibling relation. I try to do some things we did as children, such as napping together when I visit or giving her a back rub. She's been asking for my long-dead mother, and I plan to just say "let's talk to her tomorrow."

dmbren

My mom is 99 and has dementia. She wanted me to have a cocktail party and invite all of our dead relatives not knowing they were dead, I played along and told her they don't eat much and we should serve a light menu. I then changed the subject and got through the phone call. It is painful for me that she goes in and out of this but I know the mind is the first thing to go. Even though I have left notes letting her know of who has passed away, she continues to ask me.