I'm learning to accept this new reality

rqtek

Hey I'm a 35 year old man who takes care of his mother. She lives a few blocks from me and is going through dementia. Early 2024 is when I first noticed signs. My mom is 77 years old, she is my heart, my Queen. She fights me on EVERYTHING and feels I'm taking her independence from her. I don't really get help from my siblings Also this past Nov my older brother died and I had to be the one to deliver the news to my mother. She took it rough, but I didnt anticipate having to tell her multiple times because of her current mental state. All of this really has been stressing me and breaking me down mentally. Having to be there and be strong for my mother, while I've been suffering in silence. I've been drinking more to numb the stress and pain but don't want to make it a habit or a vice. Sorry for rambling, I'm just tired. Anyone know any support groups in NYC that are good?

SusanB-dil

Hi rqtek - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. So sorry for the loss of your brother.

It is not unusual to not have help from siblings. Basically, if you're even on the same page, you are doing great. Also, you don't need to mention the loss to mom any further. If she does ask, please tell her 'he isn't here at the moment', which is true. If she pushes, you could tell her he is away on business.

Important order of business - do you have DPOA and HIPAA accesses for your mom? And also, making sure she is safe, and that may mean not able to stay by herself any longer. It sounds like she can no longer reason, so you will have to be her reason, as unfortunately, hers is broken. Check for outdated food and that she is eating properly.

There are meds that can dial back her agitation - without becoming zombied. Usually a neurologist on your team is helpful, prefer a primary care and neurologist who is familiar with dementia patients. Also maybe look into adult daycare for her maybe a day or three a week. Maybe you could get someone to assist her where she lives. (you may have to tell her that 'she is helping them', as she may be resistant to 'help')

Sorry, not familiar with what's available in your area, but you could check on-line, and I have found this forum to be invaluable. And yes, I understand 'tired'. Dealing with all of 'this' is hard and heart-breaking! It is rough to see our LO in such a state.

AlzWife2023

I’m sorry for your loss & your situtation. We all understand here. You might have to start fibbing about your brother—as weird as that may sound. If it’s causing your mother and you distress every time you tell her you may just have to say something else when she asks where he is or when he’s coming to visit.

There must be many support groups in NYC. Start by Googling all the hospital websites (NYU Langone for instance for Alzheimer’s caregiver support groups) also places of worship and community centers near you).

SDianeL

so sorry about your brother and your Mom’s diagnosis. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day which really helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. If your Mom is low income she may qualify for Medicare & Medicaid. Medicaid pays for memory care. Medicare doesn’t. She can no longer live alone. If something happened she wouldn’t know what to do. This forum is the best place for info & support. Come here often. We know what you’re going through. Google search for a teaching hospital in your area that has an Alzheimer’s program. They may have a support group. This website has a list of support groups and there are online groups. Go to the main page and search or call the toll free number.