DW recently put in MC facility

rjm1948

My DW is 82 , and has middle stage Alzheimer's. After being a 24/7 caregiver for 2 years, I had to place her because I just couldn't do it anymore. She has been there for 3 months now. I visit her often, and she knows who I am and that we are married. However, she seems to be attracted to several men in the facility, and they have made advances toward her. She has told me about this and has promised not to do it. But it continues. I called her the other night, and a man answered her phone, so I know they were in her room alone. I have spoken to management about this, and they assured me they would watch for it. Am I over-reacting, or should this be a valid serious concern? I am brand new to Alzconnected, and I joined because I really need help with this. I'm hoping I did this right.

sandwichone123

It's hard. My dh has a woman in his facility that he spends a lot of time with. They are not allowed in each other's rooms, but they're always holding hands when I arrive. I finally asked the facility if they could make arrangements to have them not holding hands at the time I arrive on a predictable schedule, and they did that for me. He used to introduce me to her every time I arrived—didn't know her name, but introduced me as "my wife." Still painful.

Biggles

That’s so sad and painful. The first time my DH forgot my name I broke down and wept. It felt sole destroying but after listening and talking I started to understand about the damaged mind.

trottingalong

Even though I know their brain is broken, I would have a very hard time emotionally with that. I really feel for you, but have no advice. You did the right thing speaking to management about it.

CampCarol

My husband doesn't know who I am probably about 30% of the time now, usually during sundowning. And when I re-introduce myself, he always seems shocked that he is married. He loves his aide though and always wants to be next to her and hold her hand even if I'm there. So I'm pretty sure that if the time comes to place him in MC, he will find a female companion in a hot minute. I'm not happy about it, but I'm at least getting time to get used to the idea so when it happens hopefully I won't be as heartbroken 🤷

midge333

It hasn't happened to me yet, but I think I would be ok with it if the relationship brought my wife joy.

GiGi1963

My husband tells me he loves me and is very happy to see me. I think he knows I'm his wife but not my name. He has a lady in MC. He walks with her, "talks" with her and they sit and hold hands. The aides separate them when I visit. I don't mind because I feel they give comfort to one another. Most of the time they are asleep holding hands in the community room. It is not romantic for them. If it was romance, I'd be upset and discuss with staff.

Palmetto Peg

I think even in the later stages of dementia, everyone still has that need to be touched, or to touch. I personally would not be upset if my DH was holding hands with a female resident. I don't want him making aggressive sexual comments (which was a problem in the past), but the simple comfort of holding hands with another person does not bother me. My DH is no longer the man I fell in love with, and he never will be. Right now I am only concerned that he is content and settled in his MC. Our romantic life is in the distant past, and I have accepted that. PWD become so childlike, and I see that behavior in the same way we smile when preschoolers have boyfriends and girlfriends. Sadly, it is a different life for both of us now.

Quilting brings calm

it’s common enough. Their brain is broken and they don’t remember they are married - or married to you - or that it is wrong to want companionship in the location they are. I know it is upsetting- but think of it as companionship other than cheating. I can also tell you that you will see posts on this site from people who want to date who have spouses in MC.

I would ask management to ensure that your spouse is only getting the companionship she seems ok with.