Need Advice - Elder Abuse

kvhs

Hi all, I need some help.

My parent was diagnosed with alz last year, it is moderate to severe based on my perception. I don't know that the doctor ever told us what stage they were. They have a partner who is significantly younger (almost 30 years difference) than them who they've been with for maybe 2 years or more (both accounts vary).

Upon obtaining access to my parent's finances I realized that over a period of 4 years they gave several hundred thousand dollars to their partner. They were unaware of the amount they gave and thought they only gave $13-14,000. My parent bought a house for both of them in May of 2023 and spent quite a bit of their retirement money on it. To my knowledge the partner did not financially contribute however is on the deed. They were not living together there however did live together briefly after my parent's diagnosis due to problems with my parent's first house. During that time the partner once physically assaulted my parent and was verbally abusive towards towards them frequently and once threatened my parent. APS became involved and let the parter know that they not receive any more money from my parent.

My parent is back in their first house however I recently learned through their aide (through conversations the aide overheard) that the partner wants to marry my parent and have a child with them and has mentioned that if they have a child my parent can give the second house to the child. I am concerned that the partner is continuing to take advantage of my parent and my parent is not receptive to my concern and thinks that the partner has their best interest in mind. I am POA and am curious if there is anything I can do to stop them from getting married so the partner does not drain my parent's assets, which will be needed for memory care.

The partner is aware of the diagnosis and has had to be told several times that my parent cannot make financial decisions. I've observed my parent having difficulty opening their front door because they don't understand how it works, which I told the partner. If someone told you that about your "partner," would you want to marry that person? Probably not. I worry that any intervention from me will drive my parent away from me and that I won't be able to help them. The partner says to my parent that I treat them (the partner) poorly and that I'm trying to control my parent and that I treat them like a child.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What can I do to protect my parent?

eaglemom

Welcome to the message board. This is a complex problem for sure. The best advice I can give you would be to immediately get a CELA Attorney (certified elder law attorney). Bring documents to backup what you've seen happening to the funds. I would get this started immediately.

I don't know about stopping them from getting married - again, contact the CELA attorney.

You say your POA. Of the financials? Is your name on the bank statements? What about saving accounts? Retirement accounts? Credit cards? You can put a freeze on the cc.

I wish you good luck. Please report back what you find out.

eagle

H1235

I would recommend you see a lawyer! As far as your parent being upset with you, I hate to be a downer, but with dementia that may just happen anyway. To keep our lo with dementia safe we are forced to do a lot of things that upset them and make them angry (taking away the car, access to money, not allowing them to be home alone, moving them to a facility, insisting they need to shower, no they can’t go for a walk alone etc.) My point is that your relationship will probably become strained at some point anyway. People with dementia have more problems than just memory. Poor judgment is also a symptom. They also often have anosognosia (inability to see or recognize their own symptoms). They think there is nothing wrong (the partner is exploiting this by saying you treat them like a child. In my opinion safety (physical and financial) must come first. Taking the attitude that my loved one with dementia will be mad at me therefore I can’t do anything is a recipe for disaster. I would rather have my parent mad at me (and my mom is) than to have her in an unsafe, unhealthy, dangerous environment. Do you think a doctor would be willing to sign a letter that your loved one is not able to make decisions for themselves. This may help as you move forward with a lawyer.

Anonymousjpl123

I would definitely see and talk to a lawyer. Read the poa carefully - it may mean that you are responsible for ensuring your parent’s safety and stewarding their financial resources. As others have said, dementia will take over and drive your parent away - from being able to truly understand relationships and reality as we know it.

Don’t worry about their partner’s feelings. If you have DPOA, durable power of attorney, you are likely responsible for decision-making if your parent is unable. Since they have already been diagnosed with dementia this may be relatively straightforward. So sorry you are dealing with this. It’s a really tricky role to navigate.