Primary Care partner having trouble getting sibling help

njquick81

New to all of this, and just looking for some support. Mom (75f) been on cognitive decline for several years and recently diagnosed with dementia. I (43F) have recently moved back home to help care for both her and Dad (80M). It can be A LOT. I'm having a hard time controlling my frustration with a siblings who just can't be bothered to barely phone in even the bare minimum effort, but in the rare times she is around acts like the expert/boss. I can't hold back my attitude during these times and then I get scolded for being disrespectful. How do I navigate this? I feel like im trying to understand and make room for everyone else's feelings, but I don't get the same courtesy.

SusanB-dil

Uugh... unfortunately, this is not so unusual. Even well-meaning friends and family can make things worse instead of better. They are not around long enough to see the day-to-day challenges, needs, and issues.

Are you getting any respite? Can you get any outside help for even a few hours/days?

Just a suggestion, but would your sibling be able to stay with your folks for a week or even two? Would that maybe help them get a better understanding of the situation? That would also give you some relief time if that could happen, and if you think it would work.

Merla

people don't really get what caring for someone with dementia is like until they do it ideally for at least a week. My sibling who wasn't a jerk or a know it all until our parent stayed with him and then he saw why she needed long term care and couldn't just stay with us rotating every few months.

Victoriaredux

Caring for two elders , one with dementia, full time is a lot. A small licensed care home is usually two staff for up to 6 people so , why you are almost half a care home! —but with the family stress, no built in respite etc. it's difficult.

How long are you planing to stay ? Dementia is of course progressive and can take years . Do you or your sibling hold your parents DPOA, health proxies etc? You still have your own retirement to plan for.

If your parents haven't planned for this and your Dad is mentally intact maybe he can go to an elder law attorney and get things set up.

njquick81

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235232#Comment_235232

I'm staying for the foreseeable future as of right now. We're just starting the process with getting all the right documents in place with an elder care attorney. It's just so hard doing all this, while also working my full time job. So when I beg my sister for help on things, and she begrudgingly says she will help for a couple of hours, but how "she's got a lot on her plate", it makes me lose my mind.

Susiejam

I was also in your place with my parents. An elder law attorney can set up a Services Care contract to help you,financially. I had to quit my job to assist. Once my other siblings saw what was involved,they eventually got on board and agreed to allow the parent's finances help support what I was doing. Then, they also rearranged their schedules to help care for them also. Each one had their seperate talent to help. In the end,as our parents passed, we were truly blessed by the time we had with them, as frustrating as it was at times.Please, consider calling Hospice, they are a great resource in addition to the Alzheimers groups.

H1235

You said you are getting all the paperwork in order now. I would strongly recommend you be the DPOA if you are the one living with them. My mom is in assisted living and I am her DPOA, so it a bit difficult. But moms house is beyond full and I am trying to clean and sort everything on my own in addition to managing bills, medication and providing everything she needs (depends, snacks etc) at assisted living. My brother does next to nothing and throws me under the bus with mom every chance he gets. Mom is mad a blames me for everything. To cope I plan on my brother doing nothing, then I’m not disappointed. I try really hard to not let him get me worked up when he makes ridiculous comments, demands and questions. I tell myself all the time I can only do what I can do and that has to be good enough. I also grit my teeth a lot and i hate to say it, but we have had a few intense arguments. I have also started taking a mild anti anxiety medication. If you can’t count on you sibling for help is there another way to make things easier on yourself. Hire someone to come in and clean, order groceries on line and have them delivered, do more premade meals or takeout… of course this all costs money, but you can only do so much! Without question dealing with my sibling is worse than dealing with mom and dementia.

mabelgirl

I think you and your sibling need to take time to discuss what is the best solution for the entire family and how do we make it happen. Yes it would be nice if sis contributed on equal as you but some people just aren’t cut out for it and I feel that needs to be respected. If you are taking care of your parents out of duty , you need to make sure it’s really a duty you want to take on versus feeling you are required or obligated to do. Prayers for peaceful solution.