Need some advice

Amber

My grandfather (77) has Alzimers and early stage dementia. He has been having issues with his memory and I am trying my best to help him. But I'm having trouble getting through to him.

For context, I along with my parents, are currently living with my grandfather. We try to keep the house clean, provide meals and assist with anything he needs. However, he is having issues remembering how to work certain things. Namely his cellphone and his computer. He gets frustrated easily when he can't understand how to find or work certain apps.
I will help him not only find these apps but explain how they work and how to use them.

However, this is happening several times a week and I'm not sure what to do. I'm getting really tired of having to explain these multiple times a week. If I leave him to figure it out by himself, he gets frustrated and grumpy. And a few times, has completely messed up his phone and I have had to fix it. My question is, do I continue to try and explain things to him? Do I just let him mess everything up? Should I look into getting him a simpler system? I am really at a loss at this point.

ronda b

Just fix it. Soon he probably won't be using it at all.

ronda b

You can can explain to him or show him how to do it but he won't remember. If you get an easier phone he might not be able to be able to learn to use something new. Pwd are usually not able to follow more than 1 or 2 steps and they don't remember them. Last thing learn first thing lost. Be patient and just fix it or help him if he ask.

SDianeL

read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also Tam Cummings videos online are helpful to caregivers. You can’t reason with somebody whose reasoner is broken. His memory is gone. No matter how many times you help him he won’t remember. Getting a new phone won’t help either. Soon he won’t be able to receive or make calls no matter what type of phone it is. Same with the TV remote. He won’t know what time it is or what day it is. He gets anxious and agitated because he knows something is wrong but doesn’t understand he has dementia. Learn all you can about the progressive disease dementia so you can help him. Come here often for info & support.

--Rebecca--

Hi Amber. You probably have tried some of these:

See if his phone and computer have simple/easy modes.

Ask, "So what apps do you use or need?" Then get permission to remove all unused apps. Or put them all in one folder. Don't go through them one at a time, or he may tell you he needs all of them.

Make the icons larger, and font larger [but not so large that the font can't be read on website tabs and buttons]

Can any apps be replaced with an extra large widget, like for weather or news?

Is it possible to get down to one screen of apps, so he doesn't need to toggle between several?

Can you lock the screens?

Make a record of his important contacts off of his phone. At some point, he may wipe all of them off of it. And you might need that info later. (My mom did that twice).

Is there a phone case that makes the volume buttons harder to accidentally press?

Another strategy is to redirect him. My dad loved checking his weather station. It became his "app", along with an extra large rain gauge.

At some point, you are just going to have to let him mess up his devices. It is part of this disease's progression. It does not mean he has failed, or that you have failed. When he can't work it any more, he will abandon it. His world will shrink, but will be less frustrating. None of this is easy.

Amber

Thank you all so much for the advice. Me and my parents have really been struggling getting into this roll. Especially my father, because it's his dad. I'll definitely look into reading some of the recamended articles and pass it on to my parents. I'm sure that I will have many more questions so I'll be sure to keep asking

harshedbuzz

@Amber

It's great that your family is available and willing to be there for your grandfather. The role reversal aspect of parenting one's parent is difficult for many on both sides. The fact remains that your grandfather needs protecting and someone to take the wheel. This isn't something we do to our LOs, it's something we do for them.

I'm going to be the outlier here, but maybe it's time to disappear the technology that is triggering his frustration. At a certain point in dementia, phones have the downside of him potentially giving away personal information to scammers, calling family members repeatedly at all hours or reporting his delusions of people stealing to the police.

Computers are worse. You have all of the same scammers along with the opportunity to mismanage their own banking/investments and the option of visiting illegal porn sites either on purpose or by accident. Next time he's got a problem with the computer, tell him it's beyond your expertise and that you'll take it to Geek Squad to be fixed by an expert. Then, kick the can down the road by telling him they're waiting for a part.

IME, new but simpler technology isn't easier for PWD because it requires learning and the earliest losses in dementia are around executive function and working memory needed to learn. You might have more success with an old school rotary landline as he might have older muscle memory around that.

HB whose dad day-traded away $360K of his (and mom's) retirement money in the early-mid stages of dementia.

Amber

That is something I have been wondering about. I actually think that I have gotten lucky and that my grandfather has discovered the Jitterbug flip phone and has been wanting to get that over his touch screen. He has started to go back in time to what he remembers tech wise. So we plan to get him a flip phone soon.

However getting rid of his computer right now would only make him mad. He is the treasurer of the local water district and refuses to quit. The people there don't see what is happening to him, and he gets emails on the daily. If he looses the computer he is going to loose his mind worrying about that. And he is going to be mad and take it out on us.

He has a home phone system as well, but I really think we need to do away with it. 90% of the calls that come through are spam or scams. Again, if we try to get rid of it, he is going to get mad. And if we do, he will buy a new system. We have no control over his finances so he can spend himself into a hole if he really wants to.

Iris L.

You (someone in the family) has to get control of his finances. Otherwise, they will disappear, as HB has pointed out. There are a host of legal and financial steps that need to be taken for his protection.

He needs to "retire" from the Water Board. He cannot be in charge of other people's money. You will have to figure out a way to diplomatically get him off that board. It is not fair to the constituents. You might want to have a nice retirement dinner or luncheon so that the community can thank him for his years of service. He will feel good and appreciated, not kicked out.

You did not mention this but is he still driving? This is another area of concern and danger. He most likely should not be driving.

Read about anosognosia. This will explain why he thinks that nothing is wrong with him and that he is functioning just fine. This is a characteristic of dementia which can make caregiver harder.

Iris

Amber

He does still drive. However, nobody thinks that he should be and if he drives, nobody goes with him. We try to drive him most places whenever possible, but if he wants to go by himslef there is no talking him out of it. My father is the main person in charge of caretaking so he is the one who has the last decision. I have been telling him that some of the things that my grandfather is doing (driving & waterboard) need to stop.

He wants to keep my grandfather independent as long as possible. I feel that safety should be the priority. My grandfather is an extremely stubborn and prideful person, so losing any sort of independence is going to send him on an angry tirade. Nobody wants to deal with that, but I think for his safety it needs to be done. He has also fallen multiple times and has never asked for help even when he couldn't get up by himself.

My father has medical control, but not financial. So I will talk to him about that. We have some family that is currently angry at the idea of my father having control of his finances. It has nothing to do with how he handles money, it's more of a personal thing. But it is weighing on him.

My family already lives paycheck to paycheck, and having my grandfather dealing with a similar situation on top of that would be extremely difficult.

Thank you all for the advice. It has been extremely helpful getting 3rd party perspectives on the situation.

jfkoc

Driving…a very important issue is liability once diagnosed. A person with dementia who causes an accident can lose everything.

Phoenix1966

If he has an accident, he will likely be found at fault regardless of who hit who. And since your father has medical POA, your father could also be potentially sued by the injured party or their surviving family because your father allowed him to drive. Your entire family could lose everything.

As someone who has seen an Alzheimer’s impaired person kill a small child because he mistook the gas pedal for the brake while in a grocery store parking lot, please stop him from driving.