Does your spouse resent that you put him/her into Memory Care?

Rugcutter

How common is it that a person entered into Memory Care against their will resents and refuses to let their spouse to visit them?

My concern is that she no longer wants to see me after I put her in memory care.

Background: My DW has a moderate to advanced level of Dementia. She is in denial there is a problem. She already had one wandering incident that required the police to bring her home and wanders most evenings ( around 3am) because she believes there are strangers in the house trying to hurt her. Our relationship is good, but she is starting to lose recognition that I am her husband. She is not having any physical problems yet.

Two friends and a memory care facility have told me I should put her into memory care now due to the wandering and delusions. The reasoning is that they can more successfully settle into their new space, create new friends, and will receive more medical oversight than a spouse can provide themselves.

It feels too soon. I had envisioned the criteria for memory care would be much later, when she is no longer aware of their current at-home environment and when physical decline starts.

Carl46

I think you are responsible for your wife and should do what is best for her, whether she likes it or not. If you can't keep her from wandering the streets at night, you need to get help to do it. That may mean memory care.

Wandering is one of the common reasons for placement in memory care. It is very difficult for a single caretaker to keep a PWD from wandering, because you have to sleep sometime.

There is no good side to this, just the least bad. If you place her and she refuses your visits, you won't like it. If she wanders off into the dark and gets hit by a truck, you won't like that either.

P.S. Have you told her doctor about the delusions? Antipsychotic medications might make her life less frightening and allow you to keep her home a while longer.

Joe C.

My DW started wandering approximately 8 months before I placed her. While still at home her neurologist put her on seroquel to deal with delusions that people were coming to the house to hurt/kill us which is why she was trying to get out of the house. The seroquel worked wonders on her delusions. When I place her she no longer recognized our house as her home or me as her husband, although she still had complete trust in me. When I placed her she acclimated to the MC environment almost immediately. She made friends and loved the activities. She never once asked me about home and the most she would ask in the beginning was, “where have you been?” To which I’d reply, “at work” and she accepted that response.

White Crane

Hi, Rugcutter, in answer to your question about will she resent you, it's hard to say. There have been spouses on here whose loved one was angry with them. Mostly, though, they tend to settle in fairly well. My DH settled in right away but still wanted to go with me when I left for a long time. He really didn't know and still doesn't realize he is in a memory care unit. He thinks it is a rehab facility for him to get stronger. That is what I have told him. Placing a loved one is never an easy thing to do. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Afterward though I knew it was the right desicion. I wish you well and pray you can make the decision that is best for both of you.

Brenda

CampCarol

I am in the same boat as you, teetering on whether/when to place DH in Memory Care. One thing that has stuck in my mind is something I read here from older posts. It resonated with me so sharing: “you are not doing this TO her, you are doing this FOR her. For her care, safety and well-being. I am trying to remember the same for me as I figure out next steps. Good luck!

Jazzma

Putting my DH in memory care was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I still question whether he needs to be there after a year. My criteria was whether I could keep him safe at home — and as a single caregiver I couldn't do that when his sundowning escalated. You may be in the same position now. You could try dementia locks on the doors (devices placed high on the door jamb that block the door from opening and are tricky to undo) to keep her indoors, which would at least prevent her getting lost. You also have to consider your own health (and ability to care for her) if you're not able to sleep.

It's a brutal disease and the decisions we have to make, and live with, are heartbreaking. Wishing you the best.

SDianeL

the facility will assist you in placing her. I didn’t tell my DH that I was placing him. We went to lunch and I left without saying goodbye. The staff suggested I wait 2 weeks before I visited him. He settled in quickly and was glad to see me when I came. He did want to go home but I said when the doctors said ok. You can make up a fib that might work why she can’t go home. When I would leave at the end of my visit I wouldn’t say goodbye, I would just leave. Placing him was the hardest thing I ever did but I made sure he was well cared for. It was the right thing to do to keep him safe.

elainechem

I actually switched out our regular deadbolt locks for double keyed deadbolts. You needed a key to get out and hubby didn't have the key. He regularly looked for a way to escape when he got agitated. I got criticized for it, but I don't care. It was one thing that helped me to keep him home the entire time.

Quilting brings calm

Will she resent you? Possibly - but your responsibility is to do what keeps her safe and you from neglecting your own health to the point of no return. Even if that upsets her. Wandering is serious. Weather, traffic, lack of traffic, countryside etc. Wanderers have died.

Will she be agitated? Possibly. There have been members here who haven’t been able to visit because it upsets the resident. My aunt limited her visits to my uncle because he didn’t recognize her and seeing her upset him.

Will she claim that she doesn’t need to be there? Possibly- see my first paragraph. My step-dad claimed he and my mom could live on their own, not in an AL. His long term doctor told him it was too dangerous because mom could walk away from the stove and start a fire. Of course, my step-dad wasn’t able to live on his own either.

Russinator

You are not doing this to her, you are doing this for her. Hopefully she won't resent you.

Rugcutter

Thank you so much everybody for commenting. You have been so helpful. You provided me a new point to consider. I would be doing this FOR her, not TO her.

I'd like to clarify the wandering. The police incident was the first incident of wandering, which occurred outside of the house in the early morning hours. It was the only outdoor incident. The rest of nightly wandering is within the house and garage. It is usually 3am to 5am and 4 to 5 nights a week. I wake up, see she is not in bed, and then walk through the house to find her, and bring her back to bed.

I set up a DIY security system with door entry sensors to send push notifications to my phone when the exterior doors are opened, day or night. I can then check to see where she is at. This takes away some of the worry.

Thanks again for your help as I make this decision.

sandwichone123

When I placed my dh he was very angry, but after a couple of weeks when I went to visit he didn't seem to connect me with his being there. I could still take him out for lunch on Sunday afternoons and he was happy to return "home," to the facility. I would say that the social aspects were very valuable and important to him, as he loves being around people.

harshedbuzz

Dad was very aggrieved at being placed. Some MCFs encourage folks to take a break and give their LO a chance to settle in and bond with caregivers. Mom felt guilty, so she ignored this advice and found herself excoriated during every visit for the first 2 weeks. Once dad settled in, he was happier to see her. One change was that she could be the doting wife instead of the person nagging him to take meds, hydrate, shower, and change clothes. My visits with dad were pretty ugly in the early days as well.

I expect her anger will abate within a month or two and you can resume visits.

HB