Unbiased input needed - dementia parent with a questionable boyfriend

jh40926

Mom was diagnosed a little over a year and a half ago with dementia and stage 4 kidney disease. There's a boyfriend in the picture who does not live with her - she's still living alone. There's strong feelings that he's not sticking around for the right reasons. Today, he inquired again about being reimbursed for doing things around the house. Like: mowing lawn, cleaning fridge, purging of garbage, buying groceries, etc. We have stood firm that this is part of being a partner. Right or wrong stance? Mom still has a checkbook and money - he could ask her to pay for things he picks up for her but states he feels wrong doing so.

He's of the opinion that we (children) are making money off of the situation with leasing her land. Money is distributed into a Trust.

ARIL

This smells like the purged garbage. I hope your mom has signed a durable POA and someone can provide some gentle oversight re: the checkbook.

jh40926

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238627#Comment_238627

Yes, durable in place. POA activated. Sister works in legal.

H1235

Glad DPOA is in place. This is the stage when you really need to start worrying about finances anyway. It’s good he feels wrong about asking your mom for money, but you have to wonder if that might change. Although if he is buying groceries for her I do think he should be reimbursed. It might be a good idea to start limiting her access to money and monitoring the accounts closely. A check book and a debit card could cause a lot of trouble in the hands of a pwd. Maybe they need to be “lost”. Aside from the finances I do think it’s odd that a boyfriend expects to be paid for doing things around the house. Maybe he expects family to be doing more. It sounds like he has some issues with how her finances (land/trust) are being handled. In my opinion this is non of his business. Does he treat her well? Tricky situation.

jh40926

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238647#Comment_238647

Tricky indeed. This is exactly why I asked a crowd who has no emotion tied to it. I believe he does treat her well but there are things he says or does that are questionable - like this fight on getting paid for doing "things". I truly believe his mindset is that we are just in it for the money and land. He's a very materialistic human being. Doesn't understand how else to be.

harshedbuzz

@jh40926

I'm glad you have the legal pieces tied up, but I would keep an eye on things.

My first thought is whether this is truly a boyfriend as I would define it. Could he be a friend or perhaps hired hand who your mom delusionally believes to be a romantic partner? Even if they did date at one time, it sounds as if it may have morphed into something else.

The other piece is that this person is shouldering some responsibility for your sibling group. Were he not shopping for mom, you would be. Were he not mowing her lawn, that would be on you to hire out of DIY. Same for housekeeping. Not to mention the benefit of having someone providing some companionship. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be paid to mow someone else's lawn or other housekeeping chore for a home in which he does not reside. To that end, I can see where his perspective would be that he is providing a service that spares your sibling group doing it yourselves/paying professionals while you stand to benefit from monies going into a trust your stand to inherit.

It's not an uncommon tale here, to have a lonely widow taken for a ride by a "boyfriend" providing room, board, vacations, dinners out and Lord knows what else. That he's asking to be compensated for tasks he does for your mom rather than just ask her is unusual. I wonder if he sees himself more as a handyman than boyfriend.

HB

Mint

As I read your question, I had some of the same thoughts as HB.

I have sort of dealt with a similar issue myself with my

sandwichone123

We have a similar situation with my dad going on. In his case the relationship started as handyman and is now a can-do-no-wrong "friend." While my dad paying this guy is fine, we are concerned that the guy is also helping with email passwords and other potentially useful information and neither of them is showing great judgement about that.

jh40926

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238658#Comment_238658

Oh man, this sounds awful. Harder to digest when it's not a "partner" situation. Best of luck in sorting it all out.

jh40926

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238652#Comment_238652

I appreciate the insight. Difficult as we've not asked him to do any of the things he wants to be paid for.

And he retired with a hefty safety net of his own. The whole situation is just awkward.

Quilting brings calm

He’s a boyfriend who doesn’t live with her. He’s not her husband, he is not her family. It’s not his responsibility to do any of the things mentioned… it’s the responsibility of the person holding the POA. The boyfriend is spending his time ( and maybe his money), doing those things. Doesn’t matter that he retired with money. It’s quite possible that he feels your family is not stepping up to the plate and is taking advantage of him. The quickest way to stop the request for reimbursement is to tell him 1) not to do those things, and 2) do them yourselves before he has a chance to.
The safest thing for your mom is the same. Also to reconsider whether she should be living on her own or in an AL where staff is there to oversee visitors, and to take care of her.