help with anger and corrections

KCkcrab

I'm 52 female, my DW is 66, recently diagnosed. We are in early stages of this journey - not a lot of memory issues, but trouble figuring out how to open doors, remembering to eat, figuring out how things work like showers, clothes, etc.
I have a lot to learn, but would love some pointers on what to do about the anger - she's so mad at me for helping her with things, she thinks I'm the jerk, and is just very angry. Additionally, she is constantly asking, didn't we just do that? Weren't we just here? Didn't that happen last time? The answer is always no, we've never been here before, or no, that didn't happen. But then she gets mad at hearing me say "no" all the time? Should I just agree?

PJC

I am in a similar situation. My DH was diagnosed a short time ago. He also gets angry or annoyed with me. I found the response that works better than saying no is "I'm not sure", or "hmmm I don't remember" and then try to change the subject. I find little things that he can help me with, like opening a jar, and then I thank him and say "What would I do without your help?". That seems to make him feel better.

charley0419

you can not question or accuse them of anything, they will never admit. Perfect example. Wife went to bathroom and didn’t flush I thought unusual, I questioned her she said wasn’t me I said more that’s when I learned never question or accuse them.

sandwichone123

I like vague answers to questions, so for instance, "haven't we just been here?" I might say, "it seems like it's been a while," even though we've never been here. I also use a lot of "uh-huh" and "you'd think so, wouldn't you?"

Helping should be done invisibly if possible. For instance, cut up food in the kitchen or ask her to help you rather than you helping her.

If it's not really important, let it go. She might do it wrong or not at all, but some things can just be left alone.

H1235

Welcome. A person with dementia is never wrong! Ever! No amount of logic, reasoning or even common sense will change their mind. The discussion will turn to an argument and everyone gets upset. I agree with others. Just agree, or make some kind of vague comment. Never tell them or imply they need help. Do what needs to be done without them realizing it. I have attached two links that may be helpful. I think the more you understand dementia the better. It’s still hard always being the one that’s wrong.

This is a staging tool

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

This gives a lot of explanation for some of many of the behavior you see in dementia.

https://alzconnected.org/home/leaving?allowTrusted=1&target=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.smashwords.com%2Fextreader%2Fread%2F210580%2F1%2Funderstanding-the-dementia-experience%23hlangandcommun

????

You might want to talk with your Doctor about the anger, there are drugs that can help.

KCkcrab

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239027#Comment_239027

Thank you for the links - very helpful. I wish I had found this sooner - but I've got it now. Thank you.

SDianeL

the book “The 36 Hour Day” helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search for Tam Cummings videos on YouTube. Learn all you can and come here often for info and support.

Bridge4

it sounds like there may be more memory issues than you realize. Your DW may still be able to converse in what seems like a normal way about past experiences, especially events in the more distant past, which makes her appear to have retained her memory. However, if she is constantly asking “didn’t we just do that, weren’t we just here, and didn’t that just happen last time?”- and the answer is always no, then she is demonstrating a big gap in short-term memory. This is so hard, because at some level they know their tape drive is not recording recent events properly or at all, and they rely on us to fill in that gap for them. But the anger they harbor towards their LOs for providing correct information can just be soul-crushing. It has been a big help for me to learn from others here to not directly challenge or confront your PWD’s position. You don’t necessarily have to agree if something is wrong, especially on important matters, but vague or redirected responses make a huge difference in keeping the peace. For example, some of my standard “agreeable”responses would be like: we DID do something LIKE this recently; it DOES SEEM like we were just here; and something LIKE that DID happen recently. This sounds easy, but it took a lot of practice to let go of facts, truth, and accuracy after a lifetime of valuing those characteristics. But now it’s all about reducing FRICTION. You constantly have to run a separate conversation in your head when talking with your PWD reminding yourself what NOT to say, how to say things without friction, or how to redirect the conversation to a topic that they may find to be less stressful. It can be exhausting, which is why that break when we get respite or they go to sleep is so important.