New here.

MissingMom

Hello!
I’m new here, but unfortunately not new to dementia. My mom was diagnosed about 3 years ago, and this past March we decided that things were getting to the point we were unable to handle her care.
We found a great MC facility. And she is doing the best she can.
The hardest thing I’m having to deal with is my dad. My parents have been married 67 years. My dad is having a difficult time with her dementia. After he or we visit her, she always wants to go home with us. My dad is heartbroken and can’t stand it. I continually try to explain to him, that in 10 minutes she is not going to remember saying that.
The worst thing, that I don’t know how to handle is him thinking she is getting better. How do I gently have a very serious conversation about the fact that she is not going to get better. ❤️‍🩹 Help please!

SDianeL

Welcome. Sorry about your Mom. Many spouses and family members are in denial about the disease. The truth is too painful for them. I would tell your Dad that dementia is a progressive disease of the brain and there is no cure. Many PWDs want to go home even if they are living in the same home for a long time. Anxiety causes them to say they want to go home. Home to them is a feeling not a physical place. What I found helped was redirecting or distracting my DH. I would visit at mealtime and only stayed about an hour. When I left I didn’t say goodbye, I just quietly left. I told the nurse I was leaving and she would take him ice cream to distract him. You might have your Dad read the book “The 36 Hour Day” before you have the discussion about your Mom. You can also show him a chart of the 7 stages of dementia that lists the behaviors in each stage. You can Google it.

psg712

Does your dad genuinely think that your mom's condition will improve and that MC is meant to be a temporary residence for her? Or is he going through his own adjustment to living at home without her and grieving the loss of her companionship after 67 years together? Maybe a trusted leader or staff member at the facility can help him understand her behavior and maybe offer some suggestions for you in supporting him.

SallyL

My husband sometimes asked if he would get better. I would say something like ‘well you are on some medication right now, and that is really helping us manage things, so we will keep up with that. Right now, we look for ways to appreciate what we have and being here together.’

Your dad may never understand that she won’t get better. Perhaps he can see that somewhere in her she knows she is loved, and he and you are doing the best you can for her.