Worn out and stressed out

TBird818

Hello all. I’m currently dealing with an 87 year old father with dementia. He has fallen at home about 15 times this year, and ended up breaking his hip in July. I moved him into assisted living as I didn’t feel he was safe to be alone at home. He was a smoker and the last time I was there I watched him not pay attention to his cigarette and burn a hole in his pants. So not only would I have to worry about him falling, I’d have to worry about him burning the house down. He also wasn’t eating. He then fell and dislocated the repaired hip in September and had to have it put back in place. The Dr said if he falls and hurts the same hip one more time he will likely never walk again.

He’s very nice to everyone else, but I seem to be his favorite target and he’s been super mean to me. In the past seven years we’ve lost my mom and both my brothers so I’m the only child left. He’s angry with me because I won’t let him go home. He has called me three times today alone to tell me I’m a liar and that I’ve fed the drs lies and that he’s never fallen at home. I have literally had to pick him up off the floor. But he still says I’m a liar. It’s to the point that I don’t even want to go visit him because it’s him yelling at me the entire time. He also accuses me of not doing anything to help him. Even though I set up his apartment to make it comfortable for him, and I give up my vacation days to take him to drs appointments. I feel like when I vent to my friends they think I’m whiny. But this is just a LOT to deal with. It helps to know I’m not alone, though I’d never wish this on anyone

H1235

Welcome. You are definitely not alone. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is the in ability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. Anyone pointing these out or bringing attention to them is over protective, lying, or being mean. Since the caregiver is the one on top of everything they tend to take all the blame. Even though they are the ones doing everything to protect and care for the person with dementia. It’s an ugly situation. Have you talked with his doctor about medication for anxiety. It may help. It has taken a while to finally get moms to a point that she is not angry at me all the time. Unfortunately even now I still fell like I’m waking on egg shells, because she has had me so used to getting chewed out for everything I do.

TBird818

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259113#Comment_259113

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259113#Comment_259113

I’ve never heard of that before, but it’s definitely a perfect description of how he’s been. He is on an anti-anxiety med, but they have him on the lowest dose. I have asked about getting that upped, but I sometimes feel like I don’t get taken seriously. I don’t want him in a foggy state, I just want him to not be so stressed out. Which in turn would help MY stress level.

terei

Sometimes the person closest to them is a trigger for their frustration and ire. If he does well without you there(keep close contact with the staff) it may be better to drastically limit visits and even conversation. If he is calling only to berate you, do not answer his calls. Again, this is not uncommon and if you ARE a trigger, you will both be much happier without the contact. JMO

TBird818

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259123#Comment_259123

that’s what I’ve been doing. I dropped it down to one visit a week. But that visit is stressful. My daughter goes once a week, and one of my cousins goes once a week, so he’s not without visitors. I’ve gotten to the point where if he gets nasty on the phone I hang up. There are consequences to berating me.

cpolif

I have set boundaries and need to keep them reinforced daily. I to am stressed, frustrated. I do my best as the berating gets bad. I had not thought about being a trigger, as the berating started early in my life prior to dementia

Anonymousjpl123

@TBird818 you are definitely not alone, and what you feel is so so so normal and common. You are alone caring for a person who is not kind to you, likely doesn’t appreciate it but resents it, and you worry friends and family think you are just “whining.”

This was me for the whole first year my mom was in assisted living. It was exhausting. I visited multiple times a week and it was never enough.

Here’s my two cents: this is a marathon not a sprint.

I am coming up on 3 years of this (8 months in AL and 2.5 years in MC) and only now do I feel some semblance of my life coming back together.

You must, as they say, “put the oxygen mask on yourself.” Try to get in whatever gives you strength - exercise, dinners with friends, a hot bath, a long walk - at least a few times a week. It will save you. Having a LO with dementia is beyond exhausting. There’s usually not appreciation but only hostility and resentment. Vent here often. Get extra support. What you are doing is not nothing.

That said, in my mom’s case it has gotten so much better. We’ve fallen into some kind of a rhythm. I visit 1-2 times a week and it’s more than enough. Hang in there.