What Should I Say?

ConcernedandAfar

I am visiting with my parents for a few days and my Mom is very confused. She has Alzheimer’s . She often does not recognize my Dad and thinks he’s an imposter. She is scared of him. He will tell her it’s him. My brother lives with her and he says “that’s Dad.” My Mom is very confused. She says the only two people she trusts are her sister and her BFF. Her sister is not very kind. My Dad, is very patient and kind to her. She’s not sure because he keeps telling her she is sick and needs meds. My Mom asks me what she should do. “Am I sick? Am I the only one that is thinking this?” She wants to run away (she is not able to run away because she doesn’t remember to press the elevator floor or which direction to run to). Last night I assured her she is safe, we would not let anything/ anyone hurt her. We are Christian so I talked to her about God’s care and gave her scripture and we prayed. How do I answer the questions she has “am I sick?” When she doesn’t recognize my Dad do I assure her it’s him? I have tried to distract her but this is really bothering her so she goes back to this. The meds that she has been prescribed make her really dizzy and sick so part of her feels like the imposter is drugging her and perhaps wants her money. She asked me to call my dad yesterday when he was in their bedroom, she feels he left her. She doesn’t feel right sleeping in a bed with random men (who are all my dad). My mom is so scared and confused and is trying to figure out why all these strange things are going on. Should I sit down and explain Capgras Syndrome to her and let her know she is not well? I did it more indirectly, I told her she is aging and her memory and brain are deteriorating. Please help.

terei

It might help if he did not sleep in the same bed as she is in. I would say she is sick with some brain issues and the doctors are trying to help her. It will not help to tell her your dad is her husband. She is 100 % certain in her own reality that that is not true. Explaining will not do any good and may cause her to distrust you. You can say the man is here to help her and will not hurt her but quit trying to use logic…it wont work.

A geriatric psychiatrist may be able to medicate her to help, possibly with an anti anxiety med. Her thoughts on this may very well change over the weeks and months + she may come to trust the man that’s there or even know he is her husband….or not.

SDianeL

delusions are common in PWDs. Be sure to tell her doctor about the delusions. They may need to change her meds. 2 things I learned here: 1) never argue with someone with dementia and 2) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Get in her reality. Fibbing is your friend. I would not discuss her illness with her except to say the doctor ordered the pills to make her feel better. I did tell my DH that the pills were to help his brain. I did not use the term dementia or Alzheimer’s. PWDs have anxiety. You don’t want to cause her more anxiety which causes agitation. You can also use distraction or redirection.

Quilting brings calm

When a person has reached the stage where they don’t recognize their spouse, they are no longer capable of understanding logic. There’s no point in trying to explain why she can’t recognize him.

Tell her that yes he is her husband. ( once). After that just assure her he is trustworthy, is there to help around the house and is her assistant. Tell her that she’s having some memory issues, and that’s due to aging, do not use the word dementia. She will either not process it, or deny it, or become anxious about it,

H1235

I agree that if at all possible your dad should not sleep in the same bed with her. That must be terrifying for her. Try to put yourself in her shoes, a total stranger in her bed. As others has said there is probably nothing you can say to your mom to convince her he is her husband. Continuing in that way is only going to make things worse. I would tell her he is there to take care of her and help her. If she asks about your dad, tell her he loves her so much but is away on a business trip or visiting family, he will be home soon. Maybe even tell her this man in the house is a friend he asked to watch her while he is gone. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. She will not believe she has these symptoms anymore that you would believe someone who told you you had two heads. I would be vague about what the medication is for and if she is sick. Maybe acknowledge that she is feeling upset and confused and you and this nice man (your dad) want to help. I would try to avoid a big discussion. She won’t understand, won’t remember and probably lacks the attention span for it. You and your dad are fighting a losing battle to get her to understand and it’s not going to happen! I think if you and your dad change your approach from, getting her to understand to making her feel more comfortable with what she currently believes, things may go more smoothly for all of you.

tess s

Agree with all of the above—- have been doing these things with my Mom for years. Agree that you cannot argue with your mom and try to make her see reason. I have learned to tell "white lies" which are basically a limited version of the truth — yes you are having memory issues, the medicines are to help you, and that nice man who is in your house is here to help you — just as the others have said. I even told my mom (who off and on has had the same concerns about my Dad) that Dad had sent the man to be a helper because he cannot be with her right now.

Hang in there.