Ready to give up

lilacgirl

Anyone who has been following my saga knows I’ve been staying with my recently widowed mom for over a week because I became alarmed about her confusion during my last visit. At the beginning of this week, I was determined to get her into AL right away. Now after seeing 2 doctors who both basically told her she is fine and she is okay to drive, and days upon days of her relentless arguing with me, I’m basically ready to give up and let the chips fall where they may. I cannot imagine any scenario that will get her to come back to my town 2.5 hours away to move into AL. I am losing my sanity. I’ve never felt so hopeless.

H1235

I would never mention dementia, memory problems, or any symptoms she is having to her ever! Forget about using logic and reasoning to get her to do something. Use the therapeutic fib. Do things without her knowing. Don’t try to get her to agree to anything, it will just cause an argument. What kind of doctors said she was fine? My mom pcp was useless. Can you contact the doctor, explain your concerns and symptoms you are seeing and request/demand a referral? Then tell your mom the doctor wants her to see a specialist for something completely unrelated to dementia (make something up). I have often felt with this that I have no good choices. It’s either lose this way ore lose that way. There is no right answer. You can give up and go home, preserve what sanity you have left and try to lead a normal life again. Even going this route you’re going to have problems. You may find your mom starts calling constantly because she is upset and confused or she is in an accident (hopefully not serious), her power gets shut off because she didn’t pay the bill, she tells you she has decided to buy a new car, she has taken on a roommate, there is no end to the ugly possibilities you may be forced to deal with. It is a no win situation. So sorry.

Quilting brings calm

Sometimes we have to wait for the crisis. This may be one of those times. Doctors have told her she is fine. So guardianship is out the window. as would be a springing power if attorney. A durable power of attorney ( without a springing claude) just means you can act on her behalf, but so can she. Including revoking your POA. Which you don’t want, because you will need it later.

Politely ask if she would like for you to have online access to her checking account so you can start balancing it for her and can set up automated bill payments. That type of stuff. Then go home. The time will come when you will be back and you will be moving her to an AL. Start doing your research to determine which ones are best in your area, which doctor would be best in you area, etc. Build your Plan B so you will be ready.

Victoriaredux

In another post you said "yes my brother and I are DPOA and handling taxes, bills, all finances. She fortunately wants nothing to do with that. "

I suggest you talk to an elder law attorney , not hers, but a lawyer for you two as co-DPOA about what you and your brother could and should be doing to get your mother safe. Not happy. Safe.

As installed DPOA you are on the hook for managing things money wise. Do you also hold her healthcare proxy?

Were you at her Doctor's visits , in the room, with her? Did you let the Doctors know ahead of time you've witnessed this type of behavior:

"She has been struggling for a long time with dates, schedules, times. She has been repeating stories and questions and not retaining answers for 2 years. Recently, she was in her own home and she asked me "How am I getting home?" and when I told her "You ARE home," she argued with me for a moment. She has forgotten my brother's name, she mixes up the concepts of Hot and Cold, she needed me to come in to the shower with her the other day because the water was too hot and she couldn't figure out how to turn it down…

Oh, and when I mentioned the memory test her doctor gave her 2 days afterward — she said, "What memory test?"

The Doctors may be using her recent widowhood as throwing her off her game and not want to look for other reasons but she does not sound safe alone .

The lawyer you talk to can also advise the best way to protect her assets, example - should you move all her assets to a new bank , new brokerage, etc so that she can't appear at her old and shut you off etc.

And it isn't selfish to think of your own life and health first . You may want to defer to your brother and resign as DPOA if it is too stressful for you. Dementia is incurable and can go on for years to decades .

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267372#Comment_267372

If you do this you might also ask the lawyer about a credit hold for her. I’ve seen a few posts were a person with dementia decides to buy a new car when there is questions about them even driving. My daughters fil did this.