Need resources & ideas

MollyEP

Hi, My dad was diagnosed with Dementia in October of 2025 but it has progressed rapidly and he is living in an unsafe situation at home. He falls frequently at night, has hallucinations and can be very agitated and aggressive. My mom is is caretaker and is with him 24/7. I’m extremely worried about her health and well being because this situation is not sustainable. His primary care doctor has not been helpful and they have not been connected with any resources or support. My mom really needs help and either the house needs to be updated to accommodate my Dad’s safety needs or he needs to stay in a memory care facility. My mom doesn’t want to (or isn’t able) to talk about their finances with me and I’m not sure how to support them. Please share any experiences, resources or ideas for support that you may have. Thank you!

April23

Does he have a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist? Is he on any memory meds or meds for agitation? It sounds like medication might be necessary if aggression is an issue. Most PCPs are not well versed in dementia.

Many recommend starting with your local area agency on aging for local resources. This website is helpful also and the 24/7 Helpline is 1-800-272-3900.
https://alzconnected.org/discussion/64696/dementia-resources/

Are there siblings or other trusted family members who could help with conversations about finances and long term care planning? My dad’s longtime PCP told my dad he wanted me to attend his next appointment and broke the news to both of us that my dad needed to start getting his affairs in order. Maybe your dad’s PCP could help in a similar way so that neither you or your mom are the “bad guy.”

Re falls: make sure hallways and bathrooms are well lit, area rugs, cords, and other trip hazards are removed. Falling at night will lead to serious consequences, I’m sorry to say I know this from experience. The harsh truth is that he should not be getting up unassisted at night if he’s falling.

I hope others have more advice!

sandwichone123

Getting legal ducks in a row is a priority. Your parents (both) need to determine who they would want making decisions for them if they were not able to. They should each have a durable power of attorney (often called dpoa or just poa, but it has to be durable). This should come into effect on signing, not be "springing," because it's often difficult to get the certificates needed to spring it. They also need a poa for healthcare decisions and an advance directive.

Your mom or someone else (their poa) will need to take over finances very soon. This is a dangerous time, and families can lose tens of thousands of dollars quickly. An elder attorney may sound like an expensive option, but it saves much more in the long run.

H1235

Just tacking on to the above. If your mom and/or dad are reluctant about this I would suggest it is simply something that should be done because they are getting older. Don’t push that things are out of hand now. You said your mom doesn’t want to or isn’t able to talk about finances. This makes me think she might be in over her head with the finances and needs help. Would a sit down heart to heart conversation about your need to understand what their financial situation is work? Could you offer to takeover bill paying as a way of helping them out and at the same time it would give you a bit of a window into things? Is it to a point that you are worried about bills being paid? Should you get nosy during your next visit and see if there are past due notices or large checks cut to strange charities or people?

coryweaver

My husband and I have taken his parents in due to my father-in-law suffering with dementia. He is 83 and she is 80. My husband works 12 hour days and I am on disability (we are 60). This has been the hardest thing we have ever dealt with in 41 yrs of being together.

My father-in-law has become very aggressive with my mother-in-law and very combative with myself and my mother-in-law. He is on his best behavior when my husband is home. It blows my mind that his Dr.’s seem to be clueless on what to do for him. It is so sad and frustrating at the same time. We just need some guidance and can’t seem to get it! How do I sign up for live discussion groups? Thank you for any/all help!

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271444#Comment_271444

welcome. Sorry about your FIL. You are at the right place for info and support. See post above about DPOA’s. Get those done. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow which are very helpful. Your FIL needs medication for anxiety and agitation. The best type of doctor to manage those meds for dementia is a Getiatric Psychiatrist. Get an appt with one asap. People with dementia usually take their anxiety out on primary caregiver (s). Come here often to ask questions and for support. PS: you have replied to someone’s post. You will receive more replies if you create a new post. Use the plus sign in the lower right of the page. You can call the Alzheimer’s toll free number to find out about support groups. 800-272-3900.