Another Surgery?!?

Hollopeter3

Today dad goes in for surgery. He has severely unmanaged type 2 diabetes and his last surgery advanced his dementia so much that he has gone from stage 3 to stage 5 quickly. He is having yet another digit removed from his foot and the hospital is acting like it is no big deal… I feel it is a bigger deal than they are letting on. Anesthesia is not going to help his situation. He is already in the NH because he can't walk, this is not going to help. Frustrated and don't know what to do if there is anything I can do. My mom is going to be there for his surgery and I am torn whether I should keep my personal plans or cancel and be there for support of both. I am so worn out and slept well last night knowing he is in the hospital, woke up this morning happy, but now I am stressing on what to choose, work and keep my appointment or go and support… I feel selfish.

Emily 123

Hi Hollopeter3,

It does sound like he has so much going on health-wise, epecially with the diabetes and not being very mobile. Nonetheless, he'll either be in the hospital or in his skilled nursing facility, so there might not be much you can do but make sure he has what supplies he needs.

I know you and your mom are under a lot of stress because of his behaviors. Keep in mind that trying to support him (and your mom) doesn't mean that you have to take the brunt of his anger or delusions. If phone calls or visits turn sour just high-tail it out of there. If it's easier to call him on your schedule then do that—don't pick up all his calls. If you or mom need to take a break from visiting, then do that. If the phone calls become too much and at all hours of day and night, then consider removing the phone.

It's not selfish to do things for yourself and to keep some breathing room.

Wednesday

My MIL cared for her mother, father, grandmother and husband in her home until each one passed. She did NOT take care of herself during these times and now talks about what a great job she did as a caregiver — at her own expense.

So now it's her turn, and because she would stay in the hospital with her mother during many, many hospitalizations, she expected her children to do the same. It's simply not necessary and my husband has his own health issues.

When she had a pacemaker put in earlier this year, we told her the hospital would not allow us to see her except at very limited times. That we had to be out by 6:30 pm, hospital rules. She was prepared to argue, but, since it was "hospital rules", she accepted it much more readily.

Don't be afraid to be deceptive if it helps EVERYONE in the long run. It's better for you not to completely burn out while performing unnecessary tasks. That way you can be there for your parents when they truly need you.