Taking Away Drivers License

pcohen85

Hi, I am new to this forum and hoping to connect with others. My father was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Disorder a few years ago which has now advanced to full blown Dementia. Per his neurologist and as evidenced by repeating fender benders, we have reached the stage where he can no longer drive. This is a huge blow to his independence as my parents live in a place where you can't get anywhere without a car and Uber/Lyft does not exist. My father's symptoms include agitation and he can be very nasty (largely directed at my Mom who is the primary caretaker). His reaction to his doctor telling him this was extreme anger and the next day he snuck out in the morning and drove to who knows where. My mom has asked me for support in talking to him about this and I am just so scared to unleash his anger and make things worse. She is going to have to lock up the car keys if he doesn't get on board which will make him apoplectic. She also needs to contact the DMV to formally revoke his license, but can't do so until she ends an open insurance claim from his last accident. Has anyone else had to go through this process? Looking for support and advice.

vwtyler

I'm sorry about your situation. I assume your mom still drives, and can drive him where he wants to go (if he isn't being nasty to her). We were able to get my parents into a graduated care retirement community before we reached the "no driving" point. They each agreed (to my surprise) to have an independent third party (through a local hospital) do a driving assessment. It included time with a simulator, not on the road. My dad failed, and my mom elected to stop driving without the assessment. The assessor was tactful, he congratulated my dad for "retiring from driving" with a perfect record. So we used "retiring from driving" a lot. We also were able to "blame" this assessor for the no driving decision. We have hidden the car keys in their unit. That way, family members and care givers can use the keys to drive them around. My dad is far enough into dementia that he believes us when we say that my brother has an internet way that allows us to drive the car. See if there are similar techniques that might help, though I know your situation is different.

FYI, my parents each still have their drivers' licenses. Having, or not having, a license doesn't necessarily mean someone will stop driving, unfortunately.

H1235

We have a saying here, NEVER try to reason with a person with dementia. Most people with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. Their brain just can’t comprehend it. Trying to use logic, previous fender benders, a doctor said… probably won’t work. So in my experience setting down for a talk will probably not go well. I agree that locking up the keys is the way to go if the car needs to stay for her to drive. Does your mom still drive? Does she have her own car? Some people have tried telling their loved one that there was a recall and the car is at the shop, parts are on back order. Repeat over and over and over. We all hope for out of sight, out of mind, but that doesn’t always work. Could the car be parked in a location that it is harder to see from the house? I would also avoid any mention of the car. If you mom forgot something in the car, she might just tell him she is going outside for a bit of fresh air. I wouldn’t even mention in passing that she just paid the car insurance, maybe even place car insurance bill out of his sight. I know it’s extreme. I would talk with his doctor about medication for the anger and anxiety. Many with dementia need something to calm them. Is your mom safe? You might want to discuss a plan with her if she starts to feel unsafe. A room she can lock herself in maybe. Reassure her it’s ok to call 911.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

pcohen85

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/281792#Comment_281792

I really appreciate your take on this. We are all relatively knew to navigating this as he was coasting for a bit with mild symptoms and then took a nose dive over the last year. He definitely shows signs of anosognosia and it is very clear he can't be reasoned with, which we are all going to have to learn to accept and adjust our expectations to meet that reality. My mom does still drive and will need to have her car on hand for work and her weekly errands. She will also need to drive him to various appointments (he has PT 3x week). It's so tough because sometimes he is so with it, and making up excuses about the car wouldn't appease him at this point, he would be like "what are you talking about, i'm not an idiot" I don't know if he can be tricked into it at this point if that makes sense? Psychiatrist definitely needs to be called to monitor/adjust his meds, without driving I can see him slipping into a dark depression very quickly. He said (yelled) today that he would rather die than stop driving. It's interesting you mentioned the safety of my mom…we do need to talk more. My dad is not and has never been a violent person, but part of me could see him swatting her away or pushing in this particular scenario if he is fighting to get keys. I also asked her about what medications are in the house and where are they kept…i had this awful feeling after he said that he would rather die that he could get to a place like that once the depression hits. Ugh for lack of better words, this shit sucks.

ARIL

Sorry you are facing this. I agree with others that trying to explain and reason is very unlikely to be successful. Stopping your dad’s driving is the first priority. Locking up the keys is a good idea.

One person with dementia whom I knew refused to stop driving even after a doctor’s recommendation and the revocation of a license—and despite the presence of hired caregivers to provide transportation several days per week. In that case, only taking the keys—and eventually disabling the car—proved effective.

There are lots of posts on this site about driving. It is a common problem that is hard to manage! I hope at least that these stories will reassure you that you are not alone

lilacgirl

I really feel for you. The time period when we were fighting to get my mom to stop driving was the hardest time of my life. She yelled and cried every time I talked to her. We finally resolved it by talking to her doctor. He sent her a letter saying that due to her significant memory loss, she should not drive anymore. This was just a few weeks after her annual physical so it was plausible to her.
She still occasionally brings it up and gets angry at me about it months later, even though she is in AL and we sold her car. But at least we got her off the streets and in a safe living situation!

SusanB-dil

Can you disable the car except when mom needs it?

And DO tell his doc about the severe agitation. ASAP. He needs something to dial that back. A neurologist on your team is very helpful.

editing to add: If he should get into another accident, with dementia on his medical, insurance may not pay a dime of a claim. Also, you don't want him to injure an innocent person nor himself.

Rule #1: Never argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Must take care of the caregiver. Rule #2: See rule #1, both of them.

Gigi S

I’ll let you know my experience with this with my mom. I had concerns over her driving and struggled with seeing how to communicate to her that she was not fit to drive (one time she asked me if it was true she could turn left on red). Well, one day she was driving over to see me and by the time i heard a car pull up, i noticed there was not one, not two, but four police officers parked. Apparently, she was going 40mph on a 30mph road and a cop spotted her and turned on his lights to tell her to pullover—- and wouldya believe it she did NOT do that as she did not remember about police officers and all that LOL. So, a police chase ensued as my mom drove on completely unsuspecting of anything being wrong.

Cops took her license after I explained her at the time recent official Alzheimer’s diagnosis, she was 65 at the time. Luckily nothing was filed against her. Having their license taken away unfortunately does not stop them from trying to drive. So, I took her keys while she went to the bathroom, put them in a lock box she didn’t know existed. Eventually she was looking for them and I committed to the bit of not knowing where they were. She assumed it must’ve been the police officers, I said “mustve been”. Drove her home and my husband unplugged her car battery. Next time I drove her over, I said I found her keys and she tried starting her car and it didn’t start up. Once again she presumed the officers, I told her maybe the car just wasn’t working anymore. She told me to call “that one mechanic I know” I kept saying sure, and just never did. Every time I saw her since that day, it was like a script took over when we discussed her car. But! She never drove again. Two years later she declined far ahead enough that she stopped asking about her car, and later had to be put in a memory care facility for safety.

She was also a very very very, mean person in the beginning of her Alzheimer’s. As far enough to want to strike me (and sometimes did). Hang in there, OP. Stay strong. I know better now that I should’ve never expected this to have been something I wished to have reasoned with her— they really do become unaware of just how bad they have it. As caregivers, we need to make the right choices for them and stand by them even if they heavily disagree such as driving a car. And if all else fails, commit to the bit :) Really broke out many Grammy winning scripts with my mom as it made life so much easier for her and me rather than treating her as a non-Alzheimer’s having individual.