Assisted Living Guilt

rosecoloredglasses

Hi everyone! I (27F) have recently made the decision that my dear mama (62 w/Alzheimer’s) requires full on assisted living. I am now showering her, wiping her after bathroom visits, etc. I have been her full time caretaker for 5 years, and have come to the cross roads of continuing to care for mama, or continue my own life. I’m currently in school, and as hard as I try I can’t focus in school the way I need to. My grades are slipping not due to lack of care, in fact it’s the opposite I care so much! But my mom takes any and all energy I have. I am flooded with guilt and horrible thoughts of how heartbroken she is going to be. I already understand that it’s best to not give her a heads up, and that none of this is my fault. But the idea of leaving my mom somewhere and her begging me to not leave her, I get sick whenever I think about it. I don’t know how to cope with this, and I keep going back and forth saying she doesn’t need assisted living it’ll be fine i’ll just drop out of school again, or mama doesn’t need assisted living and I’m just being dramatic. I’m not sure how to handle all of these feelings that feel so big in my body.

lilacgirl

Oh I am soo sorry!! You and your mom are both so young to have to deal with this! But you deserve and need to have your own life. You have done so much. Trust me when I tell you, the caregiving does not end when she moves into AL. You will still be needed, but you’ll have professionals helping with the physical stuff.
The guilt is natural to feel, but as many people on here have assured me, YOU are not causing her pain, it’s this horrible disease doing that.
if you are keeping her safe and making her feel loved, you are doing an amazing job, whether that’s in your home or somewhere else! Please take care of yourself.

SusanB-dil

Agreeing with lilacgirl -

do remember that you are NOT doing this TO her, 'this' horrid disease is CAUSING her to really need the 24/7 care. And please do continue living your life. Look at it this way, too - she would not want you to put your life on hold to take care of her like this.

There have also been several folks on the forum who have said that after their LO got settled, with a regular routine and activities, they did very well. Give mom a little time to settle in, please do continue with school (unless you really feel you need a break for a bit), take a deep breath, and also give yourself more credit. She is blessed to have you watching out for her.

H1235

So sorry you are going through this. Assisted living still requires a fair amount of independence. From your description I wonder if memory care may be more appropriate. Some Al may accept people who need help showering and wiping, but they will probably charge you considerably more. My opinion is that Al staff is not as well trained for this kind of care even if they say they will provide it. They will do an evaluation before she is accepted, but I would still be very cautious to make sure they can give her the care she needs. Try not to feel guilty. I am guessing your mom (if she was able to think clearly) would want you to be able to finish college and live your life. Maybe look into counseling or talk with your doctor about medication to help with your anxiety/depression. Medication has helped me a lot. As others have said, you will still have a lot to do. Weekly visits, buying supplies and snacks, managing finances and coordinating care with doctors and nurses is a lot.

sandwichone123

I'm also so sorry to hear this. I don't know your mom, but most of the moms I do know would want their kids to do well in school and do what it takes to build a happy life. Keep in mind that you don't know how placement will go and that the begging you not to leave is not reality but is a story you're telling.

When I placed my dh in memory care he was angry for a short time, but loved the activities and all the staff loved him. It was the best decision for both of us.