Are my dad’s visits making my mom more anxious
My question: my dad visits my mom every day in memory care for 3-4 hours. She has been there for about a year now. More recently, staff is reporting to me that they feel like my dad’s long visits are making my mom more anxious and are suggesting that he come 4 out of 7 days and/or spend no more than 2 hours in a visit. How do I talk to my dad about this? Staff say that they have been a mix of pretty blunt with him (from a staff member he feels very close to) and also very kind and gentle (the director of the facility). I feel like the memory care has become my dad’s new home, too, and he feels like they are family. That was fine up to the point that they are seeing my mom so worse when he is there :(. How do I even begin to broach this subject with him? I visited my mom today and she told me she loved me, became more anxious. Then I asked her if I should go and I took her communication back to me to mean that I should, so I did. Even though I promised my dad I would stay later. I will explain to him why I left. I was hoping my dad’s life would get bigger once my mom was in memory care but he must be dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt. Like he can’t go enjoy life without her maybe?
Does anyone have advice about length of visits in later stage dementia, how to support guilt-ridden parents, etc?
I feel better just writing this. Thank you for listening.
Comments
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Hi sconnymom - Welcome to 'here'. Would it help if you spoke to your dad? Since he is not listening to the MC staff, would he listen to you, instead? You can try to remind him that she is being well-cared for. By placing mom, you are helping her... far from doing any harm.
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Tell him that she would feel more at home and participate more in activities if he left earlier and came every other day or less. Possibly only one midweek day and both days on weekends when there aren’t as many activities. Tell him that he needs to get stuff done around his own house and spend time with other family members and friends. That one third of caregivers die before the patient due to stress and neglecting their own health. Maybe you could start organizing some activities and chores for him that would keep him away from the facility.
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When did you finally move your mom to memory care. We are dealing with some very similar and horrible delusions that we can’t get to stop. Did they ever stop for you?
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Hi sconnymom,
You did the right thing by scooting once your mom got restless. Maybe interactions with 'outside' loved ones are a trigger. I'd go with what the MC recommends in terms of visit lengths. Since the MC has tried and failed, I think you'll probably have to be pretty clear with him about what your mom needs. Maybe seeing him reminds her of what she's lost and that's the trigger.
As you know, the caregiving takes up such a large part of the person's time that everything else falls by the wayside. A lot of time friends drift away. Your dad may be having trouble picking up the threads of outside activities again, and friends have moved on. Maybe your mom was the more social of the two?
Hanging out at the MC helps fill his day and is a built-in social group for him, so an alternative might help. If this is partially from guilt, then getting him involved in other things will help distract him from that as well. Too, the spouse forum here might help him see he's not alone in making a very hard decision.
Is there anything you can nudge him towards? Did he have any hobbies, or are there any groups or activities he can join locally, or activities your kids do that he can come watch? Old friends he can connect with? If he's looking to nurture something, he could volunteer at a local animal shelter or help foster a pet (good company + caregiving)?
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I didn’t realize I needed to look at my post, again, to see all of these beautiful comments and suggestions. Thank you <3 <3!! I look forward to replying to them all, including the question about whether the delusions stopped for her.
thank you all so, so much.
I feel so much less alone and so much more empowered to talk to my dad. I think he will listen to me ♥️.
amy
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Hi SusanB-did- thank you for the warm welcome. I am so happy to have found this “place.” <3. I do think it would help if I spoke to my dad— or at least I hope it would— because that’s also what staff would like for me to do. They only mentioned this to me when I visited during the week because my dad is on a short trip with my brother and nephew— hurray!!!). I am just absolutely dreading the conversation because I will cry and I worry about hurting him <3. I do feel like there is a shred of a similarity as when I used to drop my very shy and anxious youngest off at preschool and she would stare at me from the window and I would worry about her and whether she would understand why, etc (we now know she is neurodivergent). But the shorter we made that drop off the better. And she learned the routine of the place and really got into a groove with it all. I know that is it completely different in that there is no picking up from MC— but I do feel like there are some similarities here.
Yesterday I just checked on my mom and didn’t visit with her which I felt a lot is guilt about because I felt I was not fulfilling my promise to my dad, but I am anxious to hear today or tomorrow if they saw a positive difference in her just being able to go with the flow of the morning activities, etc.
I bring my ukulele on Sundays and we have a little singalong which is always really fun. My mom doesn’t have much fluid speech but she can sing all of the songs 💗. I treasure this time. My dad loves this time, too. Maybe this could also be his longer visit during the week and the others could shorten.
I’m meeting with a friend of my parents’ who visits my mom with my dad to get her impressions and enlist her support of my dad and shorter visits.
thank you so much, again <3
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I really appreciate this advice so much. It’s almost exactly what the MC said. I love the idea of one weekday and both weekend days because you’re right there is just less going on on the weekends. I go on the weekend due to work, etc, and I think it’s a great time to visit. And I leave right before lunch which is such a natural transition— it works great.
uggghhh re: the caregiver stats. I shared that with my husband. Yes- I know his health has improved since she has been in MC— he is able to sleep through the night, nap in the afternoon, have morning coffee with his crew. I think he feels responsible for fixing my mom’s anxiety right now and a) he is not responsible and b) he may be worsening it :(.
really appreciate your thoughts.
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Oh knktaylor- I am so, so sorry to hear. It was literally the hardest thing ever. My mom does not have AD, she has a vascular form of dementia so part of her treatment might be different. My mom also has a mental health history significant for trauma, anxiety, depression— so it was a complicated puzzle to work out. We worked with a psychiatrist on medication but this was when she was much more functional. She was still able to dress, bathe, help with cooking, go on outings, etc. It was a really different trajectory than many experience with delusions, etc. So, I wouldn’t draw many parallels just because her path has been really different from other dementia paths.
That being said, we moved my mom to MC when she was needing support for dressing, bathing. She couldn’t be left alone ever. She was anxious at home and would just wander the house all day which was so hard for my dad. He just wanted her to sit down and she just couldn’t. Her ability to eat has changed and she wasn’t able to eat what he had made her (she needed softer texture foods like they served in MC). But to him he would text me and say “your mom’s refusing to eat her hamburger” — and I would gently reframe that this was another brain change and that she would eat it if she could, but she can’t.
The decision to move mom to MC was so hard- but as someone else told me, O haven’t regretted for a minute. My metal health is 1000 times improved and my dad’s overall health has improved. This is hardest on him, of course. Married 55 years this coming summer.
my heart goes out to you. Good luck with next steps. <3
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Hi Emily 123- These reflections and suggestions are right on the money. Thank you so much. I also appreciated the affirmation that I did the right thing by “scooting” :). I think I needed to hear that.
Yes to all of what you said! He has been wanting to get another dog for some time but has been waiting “until your mom settles.” I think this is an opportunity to talk about how settling for mom may look different and he shouldn’t put off his dreams, especially when a dog would bring him such happiness, put so much structure in his day, force his visits to be a lot shorter as he’ll need to let the dog out, etc. They have always adopted so the idea of fostering to get back in the groove is a great one.
I spoke to one of our mutual good friends in our small community and she said my dad would be a great volunteer at our local Chamber, our little history museum, etc. Which were also great ideas. He is a people person.
My kids are in the arts so less weekly things to see but he does enjoy coming to every music performance, play, etc.
Thank you so much, again, for your kind message. I really appreciated it <3
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Hello and I hope that you are coping alright through this very emotional phase in your parents' lives; both for you and them. The staff might see him as another person to take care of, since he is there so long and often. Where does he eat his meals and drink his coffee or soda and use the restroom? As others have mentioned, staff is probably also concerned for his psychological well-being, since he has not branched out with activities, hobbies, travel other than visiting her. I see that he is going to take a trip with another family member, which is fantastic!! Perhaps if you have the time and resources, plan a vacation or even small get-away with him and encourage him to be "off duty" more often. Virtual hugs to you !
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Thank you so much, GemsWinner12- I believe you are right. The staff all like him a lot <and> he is one more person on the small unit. They have a lot to do and he likes to chat. He also enjoys talking to the other family members, too, though.
My dad is actually on a trip right now with my brother and nephew in another state- with warm weather and fishing. I am so, so glad he went.
My brother is going to ask him to go to our hometown with him so they can visit a family friend who is nearing his end of life. I know my dad wants to go and hopefully after this trip he will feel able to <3.
Our family friend is going to ask him to dog sit more for her, and he greatly enjoys this <3.
Thank you for your kind words and great observations. All so helpful!
amy
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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