Convincing LO to Move

sknats · December 2023

New here and need help... 4 months ago, I came to my parent's house out of state thinking I was going to support my parents for a few weeks, working remotely, for my mom's knee replacement surgery. Long story short, I have been back home for 56 hours because my mother fell and fractured 4 ribs, contracted asymptomatic Covid, gave it to my father who had Stage IV colorectal cancer, developed brain metastasis and passed away ~1.5 weeks ago. My FMLA runs out on Monday and thankfully work has given me some LOA, but I have to go back.

During this time, my mother's cognitive abilities have declined significantly. She was having symptoms prior to surgery that only got worse. She remembers my father's passing, but didn't recognize some of my cousins faces at the viewing, didn't remember her sisters names in conversations, doesn't remember what she is doing/going/grabbing from the kitchen and demands constant attention. When she gets upset, she yells, bangs things, becomes paranoid and etc. She was doing this before my father's passing. Now she is talking about driving, and living in the house by herself, which she obviously cannot do.

How can I convince her to move to AL/MC? I cannot continue to stay in here nor can I take care of her while performing my job and she will not move anyway. She obviously cannot live by herself for safety etc.

M1 · December 2023

welcome to the forum. i am so sorry for the loss of your dad and that so much has transpired in such a short period of time. It is not uncommon when the spouse dies to discover that the parent with dementia is worse off than you knew-the spouse was propping them up.

Do you have power of attorney for her? You are going to need it. If you don't, you need to consult an elder law attorney asap. You will likely need it urgently because the chance of convincing her to move voluntarily is pretty small, and you may well have to do it against her will. Many use ruses about the home needing extensive repairs, gas leak, radon, etc. to accomplish this. Perhaps the knee replacement offers another possibility here, could you argue that she needs rehab because of the recent surgery and injuries? I wish you well.

times2 · December 2023

We were somewhat lucky and were able to use Covid as an excuse to bring my dad to our house after his stroke (he was discharged as everything was shutting down so we had him stay with us bc “there were so many confusing changes”.

depending on how poor her cognition is, maybe you can use that as an excuse or something like that? Fly and RSV are pretty common right now too

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble · December 2023

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. What a whirlwind you've been in!

I agree that you should get the legal paperwork sorted out to be the caregiver of your mom and to find a place to move her to. Since you need to go back to work soon and she can't live by herself, try to find someone who can watch her in the meantime until you find a more permanent place. This could be hiring outside caregivers to take shifts watching her, family members who live closer who can pop in frequently throughout the day, or temporary placement in a certified facility.

You will most likely have to make up an excuse or a few to keep her out of the house, and stick to it. House needs repair work, doctor's orders, a mini-vacation, she's house sitting for a friend.

Good luck!

psg712 · December 2023

Wow that is a lot. I had to move my mom out of state too, but had a little more time to plan than you do. So sorry about your dad's sudden passing.

Agree with M1, it is almost a guarantee that she will not cooperate with moving. It's just too scary, and she probably can't perceive why she needs to be somewhere with supervision. When my mom realized that I was serious, and she would have to come with me, she started going through her address book and calling old friends and extended family to tell them she was being compelled to move against her will. I got a few interesting phone calls from folks who didn't know until then that she had dementia!

Definitely get the legal papers in order first, then make the move. I had to go back to mom's house a few months later to clean out everything and get it listed for sale. The first priority is to keep her safe. Let us know how it goes.

sknats · January 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191774#Comment_191774

Thanks. I am working through the legal items now. We have had a conversation multiple times and every time she gets more and more agitated thinking I am kicking her out today. It is sad and maddening all at the same time.

M1 · January 3

You probably will do better to stop bringing it up, if you can. Difficult i know, but can be done.

Emily 123 · January 4

Hi snats,

I'm so sorry about your dad. And without him around your mom must feel lost and confused.

I agree with M1. She may not be able to remember conversations, but she will remember the emotions around your discussions, which are negative.

There comes a point in dementia where your person can't remember conversations and can't use logic or reasoning either. Sounds like you're there, and it's better to give up explaning what needs to happen--the disease has made it so she doesn't have the capacity to see that she's unsafe or that she needs assistance, so conserve your energy. At this point you should be seeking the path of least resistance, and if that means fibbing, then so be it. Perhaps the roof has sprung a leak and she needs to move out for a bit, or you're taking her to a 'rehab' on doctor's orders because of her fall.

Do make this easier on you and mom by making all the decisions for the move--involving her will upset her and hinder you. I went through my mom's clothes with her and packed them. Don't do that. Decisions are hard for them. Moves are hard, and can kick off an emotional meltdown (understandably). Take familiar decor so she can identify her room as hers, and pack what she wears most often (stash summer stuff in a box for later, if you need to). Less choices are easier for our loved ones.

You will feel like you've got one very thin nerve left during the process, but you can do it.

Convincing LO to Move

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