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MIL taking advantage now that FIL can no longer control spending, spent $19k on clothes last year

rasputin
rasputin Member Posts: 8
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in Caring for a Parent

My FIL has mid stage dementia and my MIL has a long history of substance abuse and untreated mental health issues. She's been better since they moved to their retirement community but she still has her moments.

We've been taking over the finances. The FIL long ago determined that he'd never have dementia and would never need to trust anyone so you can image how fun its been untangling everything. Still, we've made good progress and have a reasonable amount of control. My wife has PoA for both her parents.

The problem - My MIL spent $19k on clothes last year. It appears that in the past two years she was able to get a number of $10k payments out of my FIL - something he would have denied in the past. She has a history of spending impulsively and running up credit cards. She takes some pride in her credit card usage despite her recklessness.

We froze the credit of both parents a year or two ago.

We're trying to figure out how to proceed. Ideally they'd both be under a conservatorship but it seems that my MIL wouldn't qualify - conservatorship law doesn't prevent willful destruction. We'll probably close her credit card but we need to brace for fallout. I'm sure she'll tell everyone that her kids are trying to take her money.

They're in an ACTS retirement community. They do a careful financial and health assessment before taking you on. They provide independent living through to memory and medical care, both of which they will need. If you run out of money, they work with you but don't kick you out - unless you've run out of money due to your own actions.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear what others have been though and how we might address this problem. Currently, we're just mulling over our options.

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  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    That is a LOT of money to have spent on clothes. I can't imagine, it's about $1500/month over the course of a year. I don't envy you having to confront her about it. Two thoughts: regarding future spending, can you give her a card with a limit? That might be a middle ground? Regarding the clothes already bought: can they be returned or resold? I'm not that tech savvy, but in a similar situation I would ask for my daughter's help and she would know exactly how to resell them online. Wouldn't recoup all of the money, but perhaps some of it.

  • rasputin
    rasputin Member Posts: 8
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    At this point I think we need to take away her credit card and limit her to a debit card. The bigger problem is making sure she's not pulling money from the shared account.

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,149
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    Would you be able to put a daily spending limit on the debit card, or a transaction limit? Because otherwise, a debit card is full-on access to the bank account. My bank has a 'money card' account available and only what I put on it can be spent. It is like a pre-paid card, but through my bank, so no fees if I load on-line from my own account. But a debit card for your MIL would definitely need the limits.

  • Jeanne C.
    Jeanne C. Member Posts: 826
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192314#Comment_192314

    Perhaps try a debit card attached to one small account. That's how I've always managed the card attached to my PayPal account.

  • Emily 123
    Emily 123 Member Posts: 778
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    Hi,

    We have money in a trust which releases a set amount every month to account 'A' used for ACH billing by the facility and pharmacy service.( SSI goes into that account as well.) We also have separate checking account 'B,' set up with a credit card for personal items like incontinence products, meals out, etc. Charges to the card/'B' get cross checked by the POA and then paid from account 'A'. You can set approval alerts on the card for each purchase.

    Consider setting up a separate account with a limited monthly stipend if you can't get her to give up the card, then set the alerts and spending limits on that.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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