To correct or not....?

Marie C. · February 24

I am new to the support community. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2022. She is now in an Assisted Living near me. She is always wanting to have these deep conversations with me about her living situation but never really comprehends what I tell her. She keeps referring to the Assisted living as "school" and does not understand why she is living there. . My instinct is to correct her and tell her it was not a school but I wonder if it really matters what I tell her. I know I am getting more and more frustrated and I wonder when it is best to correct her and when is it best to just play along. I often don't know whether to try to set her straight or to just lie to her. She constantly asks about my dad who died 2 years ago. She wants to know where he is. I tell her he has passed but is this the right way to handle this question. She asks where he is multiple times a day. Sometime she is relieved when I teller he dies because she often thinks he just left her after 54 years of marriage. What should I do when? Thanks for any guidance.

M1 · February 24

Hi Marie and welcome to the forum. Honestly: in general I'd just lie (we call them compassionate fiblets: the correct answer is the one that gives the most comfort). Maybe you can just come up with something vague and general: this is just temporary, there's a gas leak at the house, repairs are being done and are not finished yet, etc. etc. etc. and say it over and over and over again. You are correct, it probably doesn't matter exactly what you say, because it's not going to stick. Most folks with dementia eventually refer to thinking of "home" as the place where they grew up; my partner wants to go back to her Texas home town every day, and has no memory of the home we shared for thirty years.

Regarding the death of her husband--this varies. My partner continually thinks her parents and a deceased sister are still alive; but she doesn't get upset when corrected. Sometimes in fact she will ask and is not upset to hear the truth (though she doesn't remember the causes and particularly with her sister asks for a blow by blow about what happened). People handle this differently. If it upsets your mom to hear that her husband has died, you might just say he's out of town or working, will be back as soon as he can. Not exactly an untruth, there.

Anonymousjpl123 · February 24

I 💯 agree with M1 about the compassionate fiblets: ”probably doesn't matter exactly what you say, because it's not going to stick.”

You sound like I did - I agonized how to handle my mom’s questions. Interestingly, she referred to AL as school too. I wonder if it made her think of college. She too lost her husband of 60 years and then had a sharp decline.

What I now say when she asks about my dad depends on context: yesterday she asked me “did dad call you?” And I just said no.

One time after we took a nice drive, which they used to do together all the time, she said “I had a great drive with you dad yesterday!” I said oh that’s wonderful.

a few months ago she told me and my niece about a big fight she had with him. I let it go, whereas my much younger niece said “grandma, grandpa passed.” My mom’s response to her was “yes I know, but he was here anyway.”

The key seems to be tone and context. And most importantly remember there’s no “wrong” way - she likely won’t remember the day after.

At my mom’s MC they talk about “redirecting” and compassionate fiblets a lot. It’s so hard, but I promise you will get the hang of it.

psg712 · February 25

Correcting my mom just makes her more confused and irritable, so I just roll with whatever she believes at the time. It's usually harmless. She has told people that I am her mother, that she has a larger number of children than is actually true, etc. At this point, what difference does it make?

H1235 · February 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199565#Comment_199565

I agree. Just go with the flow. It may be hard at first but it gets easier. The truth serves no purpose. You need just go along with her reality.

Marie C. · February 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199526#Comment_199526

Thank you for your reply. I can relate to all your examples so much since they have all happen to me too. I think you are right that it depends on context when it comes to my dad. When mom asks my sister and I "have you talked to dad lately?" sometimes we say "yes I talked to him in heaven the other day about something that reminded us of him". That seems to answer the question and calm her down a bit.

It is comforting to know that others are having the same experiences with this. I think I need to just get better at redirecting and learn the art of the fiblet! Thank you -M

Anonymousjpl123 · February 25

@Marie C. yes, and you will get the hang of it. You have done everything right, getting your mom in a safe place. Now it’s learning how to relate to this new her, and getting used to this new relationship. Always ask for support here! Everyone will try, you will get good info, and you’re not alone.

Ci2Ci · March 3

When I speak to my mother (in SNF-MC) by phone, weekly, I try to establish as quickly as possible where she is in her timeline so that I know who/where I am in her timeline, if at all. And, while I have no moral objection to "compassionate fiblets" for PWD, I try to avoid it because it can be what I call a MINE/MIND FIELD.

What I try to do first is just quickly change the subject -- even pretending that I didn't hear the question. When that has failed and I've had to answer for deceased persons, I go with this:

Parents: "They passed many years ago having lived a happy live into their 80s. You knew at the time, but it has just slipped your mind." She usually accepts this because she often recalls a time when her parents are aged.

Husband (lived apart): Trickier because she'd be thinking of him young in whatever point of her timeline, although he died at age 84 (about 4 years ago). Try to go with something like: "He's fine; you worry too much."

While in my mother's case, it hasn't been an issue of relived grief (which will be forgotten in 5 mins.), but worse: She gets upset that no one told her. When I tell her that she knew it at the time but that it has just slipped her mind, she responds that "I'd remember something like that!!" She then feels betrayed and mistrusting of me/others. Can't let suspicion creep in; that can make her want to retreat. That is a dangerous thing for her.

TL;DR: 1.) try to change the subject quickly; 2.) fib generally, without specifics, if possible.

2parents/brain change · March 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199609#Comment_199609

I really relate to finding the 'new person'. My FIL has been in care for 1 year now. The two oldest children are the POW and Health POW. They refuse to get educated about Dementia. They see no need to get help for themselves! One phone call from either of them to me or my husband can set us back hours or days.

The truth is much easier in the long run. Dad has had a major brain change. No he cannot understand my husband's needs to return to his job and settle his own affairs. No he can not show empathy to my husband and No inspite of POW's insistence he needs hearing aids, At 95years .6 months with dementia and limited fine motor skills, he does not need his first and only set of hearing aids!!! (coming from the Daughter in law, retired speech and hearing therapist)! Yeah......that's my story............

It's exhausting. Keep sharing with others who walk in truth.

Peace

2parents/brain change · March 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200664#Comment_200664

Sorry I mean POA! I sometimes feel like a POW.

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