Is it wrong to continue driving?
Hi there. I'm new here. My 54-year-old husband was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's, although we've been working for a diagnosis for over a year, and I think his symptoms probably started three or four years ago. Here's my question/dilemma: Is it wrong for me to let my husband continue to drive? I ride with him in the car often, and I don't see any issues with his driving or ability to navigate. But our neurologist suggested that he thinks it is probably not a good idea. I'm taking him for a driving evaluation on Monday, and I think he will probably pass. But I guess the worry comes from his ability to deal with or react to unexpected problems that may arise when driving. Right now it is a huge help to me to be able to have him buy milk, pick up a prescription, etc. For some reason, with all of the stress and uncertainty of this diagnosis, the driving question is the thing pushing me over the edge. Thanks for your advice.
Comments
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Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.
There are strong opinions on this. And hearing them a first time can be off-putting to those new to the disease and this site. Understand the driving is a skill that is OK until it isn't, and you may not get a warning. The driving evaluation is a snapshot of where he is on Monday morning/afternoon is not predictive of whether he should be driving in the coming months.
That his doctor thinks this is no longer a good idea is very concerning. Many doctors won't go there with their patients. Given DH's diagnosis and the doctor's opinion on this, I would make certain your insurance would cover him. My policy is voided if one is driving AMA (like after a surgery until cleared) and with a dementia diagnosis in the medical history.
If you can't shop, you can have curbside pickup or delivery to your door. Prescriptions can also be delivered.
I understand this isn't what you want to hear and that it is likely upsetting for your DH, but as is so often the case, safety is what drives caregiving decisions,
HB3 -
Welcome to the forum. The first thing to do is to find an auto insurance company that will cover a person driving with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis, even with a driving evaluation. While he may be able to drive, if a car were to unexpectedly pull out in front of him or if a child were to run out in the street, would he be able to react quickly enough to avoid injuring or killing them? Would you let him drive with a young child in the car? HB is right, there are strong opinions on this. There is at least one person here that had a loved one seriously injured by a person driving with dementia. Could you live with that?
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Thank you for your honesty. I think I know what the answer is here, but because we've just received this diagnosis and our lives have been so uprooted already, it feels like a giant step into a direction we wish weren't headed.
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Yes, I know you are right. It's just so much to adjust to in such a short period of time. I think I'm having trouble catching up to the reality of the situation.
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@kimeche
It is a huge adjustment for any of us when our LO is diagnosed, to be sure. But it's especially hellish when the LO is as young as your DH is. I'm sure this wasn't on your Fabulous 50s Bingo Card. I'm sorry.
HB5 -
Alzheimer’s affects perception. I noticed my husband having trouble with the road lines. I was about to have a serious talk about this withvhim when he handed me the keys and said he no longer should drive. Take the keys….
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I struggled a little bit with the driving thing, but not for long. My DH was diagnosed last summer, and while I knew how much he loved to drive, the day the neurologist told us he should no longer be driving I took it to heart. DH was very upset, and we had a lot of discussions about it (partly, of course, because he didn’t remember much of what I told him during those discussions). At the time I took the keys, I think he was still fairly capable behind the wheel IF nothing unexpected happened. Since then, I suspect his skill has deteriorated. So I do the driving. It’s sometimes a nuisance because it would be very convenient to ask him to go out and pick something up at the store or whatever, but my biggest fear was that he might seriously injure someone. I could never live with myself if that were to happen.
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Hello, and welcome to the group! Everyone is right about checking with your insurance. But Crushed set me on a different path years ago when we were dealing with the same question. Granted, our insurance would cover him in the case of an accident. However, we would be unprotected from a personal lawsuit for driving with the diagnosis. It could ruin us financially from the get go. Once we understood that, it was much easier for him to stop driving.
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and I totally get your thinking on the running errands bit! It’s been since 2018 and I still get those thoughts about asking him to run over to … and pick up a … A hard concept to break!
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I hadn't thought about insurance at all yet. My husband was a lawyer, so the liability thing should make sense to him. And I guess, as with everything, we'll adjust.
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Ah, the spatial reasoning issues.
My mom wasn't as on board with dad not driving as I was. TBF, she lived on a steady diet of driving chatter, and I didn't. What convinced her was the time he got exasperated with me because I refused to put the cars in the garage. I reminded him that the new house only had a one car garage and he swore he could get them all in if I gave him the keys.
HB3 -
I totally feel you on the nuisance factor of this decision. My DH was told by the neurologist first to limit driving, which he really refused to do. Then the PCP told him point blank that he shouldn't be driving. In fact, the PCP said he would report DH to state authorities. But, of course, DH remembers none of this and is still asking me why "I told him not to drive" in a very irate manner. I urge you to use the legal liability argument, or any argument that appeals to your DH as an individual. And, um, "rinse and repeat" frequently.
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Yes there are strong opinions on it. I personally have a very low tolerance for risk on the driving subject. A PWD could be fine behind the wheel today and not tomorrow and you won't know until it's too late. As I wrote in another post on the regular caregivers forum, it's not the same as pushing the envelope on letting a PWD go for their evening walk alone or continue to use the stove or power tools. It could end in utter tragedy for other people and also financial ruin for your family if there's a lawsuit. I'm willing to bet most insurance plans don't cover an accident if you have a diagnosis and are driving against your doctor's advice. A PWD in my state recently hit a pedestrian, he forgot to turn his headlights on. The victim barely survived and has medical bills in the millions for his recovery. It only takes a second to upend your whole world in new incomprehensible ways, as if dementia wasn't enough. Huge risk and not worth it to me.
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I’m so sorry you’re here, but glad you are reaching out. The members here are very knowledgeable and only offer their opinions with the best of intentions. I will just add a story I haven’t shared before, but should explain why I always express strong feelings about letting PWD drive once family knows there is an issue.
Warning: disturbing content ahead, including child death. Please do not read if you know this will upset you.
Almost 21 years ago, I was at my local grocery store. While the store is average size, and there was a McDonald’s, Starbucks, local bank and auto parts place in the same location, the parking lot was(and still is) fairly small. It was a warm, sunny Saturday in June and the local, vintage car club was hosting their annual event next to McDonald’s. Maybe twenty classic cars on display in cherry condition. People brought lawn chairs and lots of people were there to admire the beautiful vehicles. Because the parking lot was small, no one ever really drove faster than they should and on that day, most people were driving even more slowly because of the increase in foot traffic.
A family that was there, probably to look at the cars as well as shop, were making their way into the grocery store. Their 4-year-old son was lagging behind, distracted by the pretty cars more than likely. He then ran to catch up with his family and was very clearly in the extra-wide crosswalk directly in front of the store. Keep in mind, the lane that ran parallel to the store was barely wide enough for two-way traffic, which always made people drive slowly.
There was a pickup truck nearing the entrance, getting ready to make a right turn to find a parking spot. The driver was startled by the little boy. But because, as I found out later, the driver was suffering from dementia, he mistook the gas peddle for the brakes.
I still can hear his mother’s screams and his father shouting for a life flight helicopter to take the boy to Harbor View, which is the state’s only Level 1 trauma center for adults and pediatric patients. I watched that little boy die in a parking lot on a warm, sunny Saturday and, to this day, I think about him every time I have to enter the grocery store.
Losing the ability to drive oneself is a huge loss. And for so many people caring for someone with dementia, the “right” to drive is a battle they have to fight, sometimes every day, with their loved one. Sometimes giving in, when their LO seems to be having a good day, can be easier when everything has been an exhausting struggle. But this is one battle I sincerely wish the caregiver can win because I’ve seen what happens when they don’t.
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Thank you for sharing. I know having him stop driving is the right thing, but we are so early on this particular journey that it feels very jarring to stop such a normal activity. It highlights how nothing will ever be normal again. I think I'm having a harder time with this than he is. I appreciate everyone's advice.
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I’m so sorry you witnessed that and cannot imagine the grief of that poor family. It’s a reminder to all of us dealing with someone who still thinks they can drive.
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Hi Kimeche. One of the hard things to swallow is that it will always be emotionally harder on you than it is on him, because he probably has anosognosia and is unaware that he has deficits. It's horrible for you—but ultimately there is some mercy in it for him, I think. At least that's what I tell myself. My partner told me yesterday (two years in memory care) that there's nothing wrong with her and why can't she come home. Home to her only means wherever I am. It's awful.
But yes, I also agree that he should not drive. It's one of many, many huge losses to come. But it's life and death for everyone else.
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Hello Kimeche,
I am in the exact same situation. My husband has gotten used to my driving on longer trips (i.e., expressway or unfamiliar areas, nighttime), and even some local trips. I just assume I'm driving and he seems to go along with it more and more. I'm hoping it helps him aclimate to the idea of not driving. I work full time and of course he does not, so yes, I do miss sending him on errands. But then, he often comes home with the wrong product or "unauthorized" (sweet treat) item, so the convenience is not always really convenient! I keep a sense of humor about these things. My DH's doc also told him he can drive locally in familiar areas and not at night. So far, DH accepts that, but I my goal is to keep reducing his driving and stop it completely with or without his doctor's recommendation. So, my suggestion is to consider begining to do the driving and allow him to get used to it before denying him the car keys.
We (I) have had so many major decisions to make, that it is really my faith and relationship with Jesus that guides and comforts me. I feel I receive the grace to make decisions and be firm about what I need to do. If you have a prayer life and a relationship with God, press into that.
Take care. Peace.
FMK
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FMK-Have you read the posts by Phoenix1966 and others? I will stop there.
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It was and still is to this very day extremely hard to deal with the driving issues. As I was making dinner tonight I realized how awful it would be if someone told me I couldn’t cook or bake anymore. My vice and favorite thing to do, but what if it was unsafe? Same with driving. My DH’s vice is driving like mine is cooking. If he were the Chef I would not let him near the stove so why would I let him be in control of a motor vehicle?
Just this morning, we were at the Neurologist office and I explained in a private note as well as in front of her and my DH as we discussed driving. Much to my dismay, the Dr. didn’t tell him to stop driving but just to “be careful” when he proclaimed in full glory how he passed his DMV knowledge test(skill test this Sat. which he’ll probably pass) So we are in the parking garage and we are in a full on battle on who will drive. I did not and will not let him drive knowing what I know even though it’s at my own expense. He is extremely verbally abusing to me but I feel I can take it so far to save a life.
It’s all so perplexing to me how I was not allowed to drive after cataract and knee surgery but no formal medical no no for someone with dementia. In the office today, he commented to the Dr. when she asked about agitation- his words regarding me and driving—-“She pisses me off when she won’t let me drive” and “You don’t have to f***** live with her” Those comments prompted the Dr to prescribe Zoloft for him but nothing about stopping the driving. He won’t take the medication but I’m still not ever going to let him drive again. Mind Blowing 💜6 -
I'd find a geriatric psychiatrst Woze, even if it's a long wait. You can tell him it's a second opinion. He's going to end up in the hospital and i hope you won't hesitate. Insane that you're having this much trouble getting help.
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Just wanted to add something that helped for us in case it helps anyone reading this - my parents got a new car around the time we needed to end driving for mom. It had way more tech than she was used to (electronic everything, the button to start it instead of a key, shifter in a different place etc.) I don't think she could have even started it if she wanted to because it was different and dementia usually prevents our LOs from learning new things like that. It was a different model and color and I don't think she really recognized it as belonging to them when she saw it in the driveway. If resources allow, the driving transition may be a good time to trade up to add a layer of separation for the PWD and the car they are accustomed to.
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> @kimeche said:
> Hi there. I'm new here. My 54-year-old husband was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's, although we've been working for a diagnosis for over a year, and I think his symptoms probably started three or four years ago. Here's my question/dilemma: Is it wrong for me to let my husband continue to drive? I ride with him in the car often, and I don't see any issues with his driving or ability to navigate. But our neurologist suggested that he thinks it is probably not a good idea. I'm taking him for a driving evaluation on Monday, and I think he will probably pass. But I guess the worry comes from his ability to deal with or react to unexpected problems that may arise when driving. Right now it is a huge help to me to be able to have him buy milk, pick up a prescription, etc. For some reason, with all of the stress and uncertainty of this diagnosis, the driving question is the thing pushing me over the edge. Thanks for your advice.
> @kimeche said:
> Hi there. I'm new here. My 54-year-old husband was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's, although we've been working for a diagnosis for over a year, and I think his symptoms probably started three or four years ago. Here's my question/dilemma: Is it wrong for me to let my husband continue to drive? I ride with him in the car often, and I don't see any issues with his driving or ability to navigate. But our neurologist suggested that he thinks it is probably not a good idea. I'm taking him for a driving evaluation on Monday, and I think he will probably pass. But I guess the worry comes from his ability to deal with or react to unexpected problems that may arise when driving. Right now it is a huge help to me to be able to have him buy milk, pick up a prescription, etc. For some reason, with all of the stress and uncertainty of this diagnosis, the driving question is the thing pushing me over the edge. Thanks for your advice.
Hi kimeche, I am new here as well. My husband was diagnosed at 67 and was told not to drive. I too miss him being able to pick up little things. This is the subject he gets very angry about. He feels useless if he can't drive and blames me saying that I am conspiring with the doctor. I'm going to be asking for all the suggestions I can get too. I'm so glad you are all here, I don't feel so alone now.2 -
FYI, I am not connected in any way to the following company. A few years ago, I gave up my car for about a year and a half. I decided to give uber a try. For grocery shopping I used the instacart app. Covid hit, and I no longer considered uber a safe option, so I went back to owning my own car. But I still use instacart. It's an app on my phone. I find it very convienient to put my order in and have it delivered. Maybe you can have the non-driving spouse assist bringing in the grocieries you order.
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I have read this many times: the doctor said it was okay for the PWD to drive only in the neighborhood and only during daylight hours. This makes no sense to me. Driving is a privilege not a right. Everyone knows we are not supposed to drive impaired, whether impairment is due to alcohol, certain medications or to illness. No doctor would say, it's okay to drive in the neighborhood and during daylight hours if you have had a few drinks or are high on drugs. How can they say to a PWD, you're okay to drive in the neighborhood in daylight even though your alertness, your awareness, your decision-making and your reflexes are impaired? smh!
Iris
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@Iris L. I can't agree enough.
When I found the house for my parents, I assumed mom wouldn't be able to drive at some point because of her AMD we settled on a 55+ active adult community (popular with town planners as they don't stress the school system) that is walkable to a large shopping area. Mom's only 1/4 mile away but many of her neighbors drive there. The community is now 26 years ears old which makes many of the youngest of the original owners well into their mid-80s. I'm sure a percentage of the elderly men driving in that lot were sent on an errand by a spouse and I'm sure a significant percentage of those have some cognitive issues. Driving in that parking lot is like participating in demolition derby.
HB0 -
Hi @kimeche Welcome - I'm glad you found us, but sorry that we're all here.
My sister was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/FTD when she was 59, and it was not long after that I had to take away the keys to the car. Ugh. I felt just sick about it because she loved her car and she loved to drive. But —- the issue of perception really is true. I followed behind her once going to a doctor appointment, and I could see her weaving in her lane. When we got home I asked her about her vision and perception (very, very gently). Even that early after diagnosis, she was not seeing the world as we see it, and she knew it. She was definitely afraid.
She told me that one time on the freeway, in stop and go traffic, that when she was stopped and the cars on either side of her were moving, it seemed to her that she was moving backwards. Imagine if she pumped the gas in that situation.
The keys had to go. The tactic I used with her was to remind her of our dad, the former driver training teacher (a side gig for him). He never had dementia, but when he was about 90, he hit someone (barely tapped him - thankfully). No one was hurt, no damage done, but I dicsussed the liability issue with him, and found a face-saving way to get him to give up the keys. I told my sister that she didn't want to be like our dad, fighting to drive when we all knew he shouldn't, right? She didn't, and so gave up the keys.
Your husband's vision/perception, like my sister's, has probably deteriorated even this early. As a former attorney, he will definitely understand the liability issue, so that might be the best way to get him to agree to stop driving.
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You may need to hide the keys (multiple times) and if possible, the car. Sometimes, out of sight, out of mind.
Is this all super inconvenient for you? Yes. But as everyone is reiterating, this could save someone's life. Or cost it. Your LO or some innocent bystander or driver. Inconvenience or denial needs to take a back seat.
I will not post some of the horror stories here. There are many headlines that illustrate the fatal disasters that could have been avoided if driving just that once, did not happen. @Phoenix1966's post says it all. OMG.
Often there was a family member that had a suspicion, but did not realize the seriousness or just did not act on it in time, to avoid uncomfortable feelings for a little while longer. It seemed totally irresponsible to me in our situation to kick that risky can down the road. So I went subterfuge on a mission, and got DH off the road without him ever knowing it was my doing. Because at some point regardless, the driving needs to stop. Why not do it before tragedy strikes?
Please think of others, not just your LO's wishful thinking of not letting go despite dementia. They lose empathy and good judgment among the other skills. You must think rationally because they are no longer reliable to do so. And again, the inconvenience factor — that is just not a reason to risk someone else's life and limb.
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After my husband's diagnosis, the Neuro Psychologist said he should no longer be driving. She explained that his visuospatial reasoning was bad and that it was just a matter of time before he ran into another vehicle or into somebody. She said that once the diagnosis is in his medical records and he is involved in an accident, whether it's his fault or not, we could be sued and lose everything. I then realized that my DH was driving very slowly and hitting more curbs. He was always a good driver. I explained it to him and the next day he gave me his keys and didn't drive after that.
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I really wonder about what some doctors are thinking! I go to a Brain Health and Wellness clinic at a research hospital and one of the providers recommended a PET scan. For reference, my DH tested at a 13/30 on his last MoCa test a year and a half ago and because he is 68, the Dr. wanted to rule in/out FTD. I requested the dr prescribe some anti anxiety med to take for the PET scan, in case he showed agitation before the scan, and the dr did so. The crazy thing was that in addition to sending in the prescription, she sent me a note saying make sure he doesn't drive if he takes this medication. Go with him to make sure he has a ride home. We live 40 minutes outside of the city, its a very confusing location to navigate and parking is challenging. How could this doctor possibly have thought he would be driving?? Note: he hasn't driven in over two years, as I stopped that as soon as he almost ran a red light.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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