Coping with a father with dementia in my 20s

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you have a therapist-dealing with your mother may in some ways be harder than dealing with your dad, though believe me i am not minimizing your grief. I would think you may need to set concrete parameters regarding what is acceptable caregiving for your dad, and what you will do if your mother is incapable of being that caregiver. You may also have to think ahead about what her needs may be after your dad is gone. Do you have siblings who can help? Do you hold power of attorney for either parent?

I find stress in the unknown. Not knowing what to expect is difficult. For me learning more about dementia, what to expect and financial and legal options gave me some comfort and direction. Finding great resources and sharing them with your mom might help her. What should she be doing legally and financially? These things might give you a purpose and help your mom. Just an idea, everyone is different. It’s all very difficult.

I feel you!

It's so hard to watch my dad disappearing. Like any kind of grief, it is not a linear process. There are times when I am saddened to the point of barely wanting to crawl out of bed or off the couch. Times where I am angry in some way… angry that he is disappearing mentally or he is more unpredictable emotionally, angry that I have to be the one to deal with this while my brother is busy posting all his pics on FB of his latest trip to some fancy resort or an expensive night out or whatever and has told me that I can let him know "when dad is lost in the woods in his underwear". He rarely bothers to call and hasn't actually been in the same room with our parents in over 7 months. (Sometimes I want to call or text him and tell him, he is about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop!). Times when I just feel overwhelmed, sometimes to the point of being numb. Times when I find myself bargaining or begging God to just make this all go away. Times when I want to be like my brother and just leave my parents to fend for themselves…. but I know my conscious would not tolerate that for long. Moments when I am grateful that even though dad is not himself, I can still hug him, tell him how much I love him and try to etch into my memory the feel of that hug because I know the day is coming when that will no longer be possible…. it's bittersweet.

I find music helpful. I have play lists for good days and bad days.

A holistic practitioner gave me some pretty useful advice as well:

#1 - BREATHE. It's easy to hold our breath when we are hurting, physically or emotionally. Lack of oxygen just compounds it. So, breathe. I got a smart watch that would alert me when my oxygen dropped. I was surprised at how often I was holding my breath. A couple deep breaths several times a day has made a difference in my over all ability to cope.

#2 Turn something simple into a mini 'self care'. I now wash my hands for a good couple minutes. I get the water to my ideal temp. Take the time give myself a mini hand massage with the soap lather. And rinse well past the point of needing to get the soap off just to enjoy the warm water. At home and work, I have scented soap that I love, just for this purpose. It now takes me a full 3 minutes or more to wash my hands and I feel less tense and overwhelmed after. It's a cost effective way for me to get some much needed 'self care' on a daily basis.

Hope that helps!