Grief and guilt after moving parents to ALF, how to deal?

==They do however look in better physical condition, are getting three healthy meals a day, and medications are managed ==

That right there is what you need to remember. That is what you need to try to make happen for them- and YOU DID IT. The saying here is that you are doing it for them, not to them. Another saying is that they aren’t going to be happy no matter what you do, so you have to concentrate on keeping them safe. My parent’s PCP said that very thing to me when my step-dad told him they didn’t need to be in their AL.

As for their life savings - as a parent, I’m saving so that I can pay for my old age care and so that our remaining son doesn’t have to! I’m spending my parents savings on their care so that my money can be used for my care- again so that my son isn’t paying for me.

Along with you are not doing it to them, you're doing it for them - it is the disease doing it to them.

When I placed my spouse I felt guilty almost every day, and every time I'd have to walk myself back through why I had decided to move him. Every time, it came back down to it's not me making the changes in his life, it's the disease and he would not be able to be at home in the way I had in mind.

Then the same process the next day. You know what's best for them; you do it, and they will get used to it and benefit from the predictable routines.

Grief is an appropriate response. It is perfectly human to feel sadness that circumstances prevented them from being able to care for themselves in their own home until the end. You aren't doing this to them, their health is.

It's also normal to feel regret at having to spend down their life's savings. This is especially true if they were prudent and didn't indulge themselves with fancy cars, jewelry and vacations and instead spend the savings that could have funded something they would have enjoyed or that would have made their lives easier on a place they didn't want to be. And yes, it is icky to sift through the things your LO held dear in life and decide what's worth selling or donating and what's trash.

Guilt, however, isn't appropriate or useful here. You are doing this for them, not to them. It sounds as if you chose a good facility and that they're doing better in their care. On top of this, you earned bonus points for attempting to meet their needs at home first. It's early days; they should continue to settle in. In your shoes, I wouldn't remark on the house sale, but would play this as though this is a temporary physician-ordered therapy/care situation.

Lingering resentment? Me, too. I don't know if it's normal or healthy, but it's real.

My parents moved away when my son was 6; they'd been exemplary grandparents (weekend sleepovers, trips to the Caribbean, new wardrobes for each season, attendance at all school things) to my sister's kids who even lived with them for a time after she died. As teens, the girls went through the typical teen drama and my folks cut and left— dad even said, "I need to get away from you people". I was pretty salty about this, and my DH was livid. I assured him that they would be back when their asses needed wiping and that's pretty much exactly what transpired.

Dementia meant I had to make all the decisions they should have. It meant I sold both their houses and shipped cars and found a new place for them to live and then another new place when they were unhappy in the first place. Getting them set up here was like a full-time job for at least 18 months. I thought I might get some life back in stage 8, but mom is socially very passive and relies heavily on me for running her life and providing companionship. And now she's showing signs of a cognitive shift and I fear I'll be doing this all again.

HB

Guilt, remorse, sleepless nights, tears are all part of the package. I think what happens when we finally get LO settled and safe in MC or ALF is that we stop dealing with everything at a crisis level - which gives us time to experience all the emotions that were set aside during the crisis. The “shoulda coulda woulda” is exhausting.
You have just completed an amazingly difficult task with no one to acknowledge that - but all of us in this forum know you’re awesome.