Separating Parents in AL - How to handle the physical move itself?

Thank you for this helpful insight. She has never been a wanderer because she is very sedentary and apathetic, wanting to do nothing but sit in her recliner most of the day in spite of everyone's efforts to engage her. But you are right that she may very well start looking for Daddy now. "Scaffolding" is a new term for me, and thank you for it! That's EXACTLY what it is. Yes, we have no doubt that her needs will become more apparent with him out of the space. Staff will be watching for her to start wandering, for sure.

You all have been so helpful. From your thoughts here, and input from another Dementia Caregivers support group, my sister has come around to the better approach, to go ahead and complete the move while they are somewhere else, only telling our mother after her stuff is in place in her new room. We are both feeling solid with that order of events. And it will make a pleasant distraction (with a friend or one of us) much easier to set up for the time during which we are moving things.

The MC question is hard to accurately describe, but we spent an hour in MC at this community, and the folks there are mostly nonverbal or close to that point. Mother is not. She is sometimes clearer than others when trying to engage in conversation, but she loves to still make small talk and tell old stories from her childhood. To be surrounded by folks who mostly don't engage in conversation at all would be a very big change. Also, the AL services offered in this one wing of the building go all the way up through toileting/changes for incontinence.

MC would cost us more, and there are currently openings in that unit, so it appears to be a philosophy of care recommendation, not a financial one. I will be sad if we find that another move is necessary in short order, of course, but for now, we're working with the best scenarios we've discovered as we talk with staff, and their recommendation is separate quarters in this AL wing.

Good point, though painful to think about. Her care should be aligned with where she is on her worst symptom days, not her best.

I don't know that I'd put it together quite that way before. I think her constant resistance to care has clouded this for us. She is so mad every time someone offers help that we have only given assistance when there is no other option. And that has created a really unhealthy normal. She is mad at dementia (totally understandable), but takes it out on the person trying to help in a moment of confusion. We have been subtly shaped by that anger into a very passive role that is not best for her.

There was a brief period in January when she was allowing the aides to help with dressing, and they were so good about offering to just stand-by if she was having a good day. No one has ever forced unneeded care on her. But the assumption at each clothing change (for example) should be that she has someone at least standing by, because most days she does get confused or tangled up.

Thanks for the food for thought!

Very helpful! Yes, Daddy still wants to be involved, just with much better boundaries.

They will continue to eat meals together at lunch and dinner (they are not breakfast eaters, for the most part), and he will come to her room to escort her to the dining room with him for those.

Both of them are already accustomed to their facility handling food prep, housekeeping, laundry.

Mother can still use the phone to call him or one of us girls (not much beyond that — she tells Alexa to call us).

Daddy handles finances, transportation (with our presence as well, for most trips), meds, appointments, etc. He will continue with everything on that list except for meds.

She needs no help with the actual eating at this point, as long as she gets to the dining room.

She gets around okay solo with her walker.

As for ADLs -

Staff will now be administering meds, assisting with dressing and bathing, and cleaning up if there is an accident (not common).

Daddy will spend an hour or more visiting with her after lunch and again after dinner, as long as it is a day where that seems pleasant for both of them. Staff will be taking her to MC for chunks of the day several times a week (they call it daytripping) to participate in various activities there, getting her accustomed to that unit bit by bit. And for the few activities on the AL side that she enjoys (4 times a month or so, there's an activity she likes), she and Daddy will attend together.

His room will be upstairs in an area for independent and semi-independent living.

Hers will be on the wing for the highest level of assistance (before MC). Since he will live upstairs, she will never see him go into or come out of his room, so she won't be able to go and pester him when she is having a bad day and he is resting.

It IS a lot for his age, but he is tough and stubborn. My sister and I continually try to get him to find a balance point, where he is still doing all he can do in a healthy manner, but where he is letting go of responsibilities that are really too much for him. It's a never-ending dance!!

UPDATE: We made the move on Thursday of last week, and it was as painful as we all imagined it would be. Her room was set up when they returned from their lunch out and trip to the library. My sister and I have stayed with her most of the time in shifts since then, trying to comfort and support. 24 hours of a mix of crying and anger then morphed into unrelenting rage. For almost 4 days now, it has been a loop of the same demands for answers again and again, peppered with irrational accusations, sometimes punctuated by tears for a few minutes. Daddy comes to her door 3-4 times each day to take her to a meal or to ask her to sit with him in the lobby and visit, and sometimes she will go, oftentimes she will just let fly with the verbal barrage instead, and when he can't take any more, he sadly leaves and says he will see her a little later and hope that they can spend some time together. He is a rockstar, holding good boundaries, and he is beginning to look less gray (exhaustion makes him go from pale to gray), so we think he is getting pretty good rest at last.

Doctor added an anti-psychotic yesterday to see if we can break her free from the loop she is in, but we all know it's a crap shoot at this point. We are all facing the reality and trying to love one another well along the journey. None of us has lost our tempers with her yet in the face of the rage, as that would only ramp it up even further. The staff are just excellent, and we feel like everyone is doing their best to help her get through and adjust if there is any hope of an adjustment. Either way, it's what had to be done at this point. We are grateful that Daddy, at least, is already looking healthier. Praying that Mother will, eventually, as well. Thank you all for your support!