How do we know what is right?
Mom lives with me full time now, she was going back and forth between myself and my sister until about 4 months ago. We have caregivers coming to the house while we work, and she is on a waiting list for memory care. I just wonder… when a place becomes available, will it be right to say yes we are ready?
Mom is generally content. Doesn't show extremes of joy or sadness.
She likes the animals, cat and dog both like to lay near her to be petted. The dog follows her around outside.
She needs assistance to shower, dress appropriately, eat a well balanced diet, take her medications etc. She doesn't remember from the beginning of a sentence to the end what the conversation is about. But, retains the social conventions of little phrases and to act as if she is understanding. She's great at nodding along, and providing an anecdote from her childhood as if it is relevant to the conversation.
With the supports that we provide, she is doing well. But, we cannot leave her unattended. We can't leave her alone. We have to either bring mom along on every activity (grandchild's swim lesson or soccer game in the pouring rain) or leave someone home to be with her.
I know it will make our lives a little easier when she moves. But, I can't help but wonder if that is the right move. She won't have the animals, or the great-grandson or the chair by the creek on our property to enjoy the summer day.
How do people make these choices?
Comments
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personally, I don’t think solely in the terms of what’s best for Mom, but rather what’s best for the family. I don’t think our parents would want us to be stressed in our daily activities. If our parent is safe and being well taken care of and I or my family can enjoy life, then that’s best. If you can’t have someone to be with your mom while you do your family activities then a MC seems appropriate. My mom is not quite there as your mom and my situation is different but I believe whole heartedly I am no help to her if I become resentful due to her disease. Thus, I’m making strides towards getting her in an AL home. My sisters and I plan to drop in on an irregular basis to ensure she’s being well taken care of. That is key . Also there are facilities that allow pets.
Prayers for peace of mind in your decision.
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One way to look at it is that you are planning for her future. Given that she is on a waiting list, you don't want to be caught without an available MC room when her abilities further deteriorate. Basically you have to plan for her worst days, not the best, as her need for care and structure will only increase.
It is difficult to juggle caregiving with other family obligations. As the needs of the PWD increase, other activities fall by the wayside. Knowing that she is safe in a facility with trained caregivers 24/7 can go a long way toward relieving stress and give the caregiver the time and peace of mind to enjoy the rest of the family and other activities. As a caregiver, you do not want to burn out and become a collateral victim of this disease.
Some facilities allow pets. The MC unit attached to my DH's AL facility has a resident cat. Many facilities allow visits by well behaved, vaccinated family dogs. The receptionist at the ALF brings in her dog a few days a week, too. Your mom's family, including the gr-grandson, can visit. Depending on her abilities, family outings outside the facility may be possible, providing opportunities to see the grandchildren's activities, etc. Visits to your property could happen if she does not become too agitated when she has to return to MC.
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I agree. A year ago we placed mom in a ASF and it gave the family of fresh air. Now we can be a daughter/son again. Care giving is weighty.
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Your situation is so similar to mine that I had to make sure your post wasn't something I wrote and forgot about or that my sister wrote about our mom. I am struggling with the same thing too— My mom can be content and happy at times and she is really attached to me so I'm concerned about her moving to MC even though I need to have the space to focus on my own life. My mom is on the waiting list too. It's sad that MC is not perfect but it's the best we can do considering the circumstances (I guess? I don't feel totally sure or comfortable either but I suppose it's the only option and it will just get harder to move them as time goes on, or so I've been told)
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Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your own decision. I am not feeling resentful of Mom because of her illness, I guess I feel resentful of family who are not sharing in the responsibility right now. I have to accept that this is where we are, and tell myself that everyone is doing the best that they can. But I can't help but wonder, are they? I think that we will take the Memory Care placement when it comes, but I am feeling sad.
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Thank you for your comments. It feels good to hear that someone is in a similar place. I like that Mom is content at my house, and she really isn't difficult other than the fact that she needs constant supervision (it's like having a toddler who might get into things she shouldn't, or try to help with a chore and turn it into twice as much work). But those little annoyances seem like nothing. Would we send our toddler off because we get annoyed sometimes? It's not the same though. I watch my grandson learn with every interaction, with Mom there is an unlearning. But, I love her. And she's content. She too follows me everywhere, and I worry that she will feel deserted and alone in memory care. Caregivers who come to our house are wonderful, but they aren't and can't be in my home 24 hours a day. I know memory care is inevitable and we need to accept the placement when it comes. Just sad. She won't look out the window and enjoy the deer walking by or the sound of the creek… and if I bring her here to visit, how hard will it be to bring her back in the evening?
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I know what you mean! I feel really similar in my situation. My mom loves being around me and is very sweet in general. She loves looking at my garden sometimes and loves eating the healthy delicious food I cook for her everyday (This is another concern of mine— the food at memory care is like cafeteria food, but I guess it all can't be totally perfect? I have to let go in order to live my life I guess?) And my mom can't walk well so it's not like she's running outside being crazy. She just believes she sees my deceased family members outside and needs constant supervision because she doesn't know how to make food anymore, doesn't know how to make a cup of tea anymore, and puts the wrong condiments in her tea (tries to drink soy sauce so we had to hide all of the salty sauces in a high cabinet), leaves the stove on, doesn't know how to use the microwave anymore, and doesn't shower unless I am able to coerce her into it. It feels like if there was a middle ground between our current situation and the memory care, that would seem ideal—but that doesn't exist (We tried in home caregivers but my mom is uncomfortable around most people and locked herself in her room when we had caregivers over). My sister has moved in with me and my mom to help out before and after work and I have been unable to get a job bc I have prioritized being there for my mom (before this I was full time taking care of my dad, and he recently passed away— he spent his last month in a group home and we should have moved him to the group home sooner TBH.. he had parkinsons) I have talked to people on reddit who have loved ones in memory care and some of them have given me some hope, but it really depends on each situation. I would hope my mom could make a friend in memory care? or enjoy saying hi to the other residents? There's no way to know for sure but I am right there with you on your concerns
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this sounds a bit sad because it's not the same as the real thing, but could possibly be helpful— maybe you could have like an ambient creek sound machine in her room, or a small fountain that makes a nice sound and/or play videos of deers in the wild on a tv in her room. Not the same and is sort of sad, but maybe could be an alternative
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A little fountain is a great idea. She always comments on the sound of the water. I also hope she gets a room with a nice view of trees and sky.
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TThe last place mom wants to go to is.an ALF. Both her mom and dad died in those places from dementia. She's a very.depressed individual.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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