Parallel living
Not sure how else to describe this but DH constantly refers to our "Other house"? Which he says is identical to this one, but he wants to take his belongings there. I'm continually putting things in our car for the "morning" to be taken there. After he goes to bed I take them out of the car and put them away. Sometimes it's clothing, most recently memorabilia. (He has a large collection). As part of this he doesn't remember my standing in his life. He wants to know who I've replaced. And how it happened. Remembers our children and is so proud of them for treating me like a real mother. He remembers my best friend and her relationship to the person i "replaced" and he challenged me to Ask her, in front of him, if we've actually lived together for 40+ years. Even showing him pictures of our house and of us building it together does not deter his belief. He knows what he knows. His timeline is skewed. I feel so bad for him. These delusions seem to be mostly at night but have creeped into the day more often. I guess I'm on a bit of a rant, but wonder if others have experienced this with their loved ones. Should I just go with the flow and not try to say he's already at is one and only home and I'm his wife??😥
Comments
-
I am going through a similar thing right now. Every evening my DH asks me … Where do you live when you’re not here? I also noticed that the picture of the two of us that he carried in his wallet for 35 years is gone. He must not have recognized me in the picture, so he threw it away?????
Mornings and evenings are like this (many delusions), but he is so much better in the afternoons. I usually go with the flow, but I am always stumped when he asks me where I live. I just tell him I live here because I just don’t have an answer, and he looks at me like I’m crazy.3 -
So sorry you're going through this. Three golden rules I follow: Do not correct. Do not reason. Do not argue. Just go along unless it's a safety issue. I made so many mistakes early on. Of course, we caregivers are only human and there's only so much we can take. Take deep breaths and take care of yourself. This disease is wretched and wicked.
6 -
This is hard! Google "Capgras syndrome." My DH has episodes of this where he even asks me to walk with him to go find his other wife who happens to have my name!
3 -
Mornings he is so much like his "old" self. But just now, while filling out a form, the question was who do you live with, and I just automatically said spouse and he replied? Do you know my spouse? I just smiled, because he always had such a wonderful sense of humor, so I decided, this time, he was just joking with me and I continued with the form. It's very hard not to try to reason with this once highly intelligent man. Sometimes pictures help, but not always..thanks for replying.
2 -
Thank you. That's very interesting. My dh will say what capacity did you have planning the baby shower, or you were at my (his) daughter's wedding, you look like the person that was there. I was wondering if he just feels like I'm a nurse or aide taking care of him...who by the way sleeps with him lol. But I do usually go to bed after him and get up before him, a lot. So he may not realize it. It's all so frustrating and sad.
1 -
My mother did this. It’s called reduplicative paramnesia. In the evenings, she thought there was a condo identical to her condo in another part of town. We would get her in the car, drive around the block and come back to the “other” condo. After she broke her hip and it was hard to get her in and out of the car, we resorted to telling her that a pipe burst in her other condo and we had to wait until it was fixed. We were able to use that fib for quite awhile, as she never remembered what we had told her the night before. Then we went to new fibs. Tiring, but it kept her calm.
3 -
My DH has asked me so many, many times if I have a husband. I used to say yes, my husbands name is…… so and so. I answered this question so many times that way. Now, whenever he asks, I reply with a sneaky smile, Do you want to know what his name is??? Then he grins at me and says, it’s me isn’t it??
When he asks me if I have a boyfriend, I reply, Oh you mean that cute guy in the red plaid shirt sitting across this table from me?? Then I always get that sheepish grin of his. The only way I am surviving this is humor, humor, humor. I use it to distract him, to redirect him, or to get through the circle questions before I lose my mind.6 -
Oh, boy. Take a look at the discussion I recently started: <
How do you answer someone who insists you haven't been here? I've concluded her memory is so poor, she thinks I'm not around if I'm not in her view.
1 -
My aunt went through this with my uncle. He knew her name was Lois, but he refused to believe she was HIS Lois. She thought that it was because he was remembering her as a young wife rather than someone her current age. She finally reduced her visits to the facility to once a month because he would get so agitated
1 -
This is the first time for me on this site. I had to chuckle at some at the comments about husbands not knowing where they live and who their wife is. Boy, that's what I'm going through now. Sometimes I think I'll go crazy trying to answer the circle of questions. "Where is everybody" is a common statement. "I'd better call my wife. She must wonder where I am" I'd better go home". Sometimes redirecting the topic helps, sometimes not. Humor helps for me too but sometimes I'm just too exhausted to think. A lot of touching and hugging helps.
4 -
DH has not known my name for the longest time, but knows I am his person. Sometimes he refers to me as his wife but in the same day also assigns me roles of sister, cousin, daughter, and even a few times I was his son! The toughest time for me was when this forgetting me first began, and he started asking me where "the other woman" went. Broke my heart into little bits. It is better now that I can laugh at it like you @Judy Bee
We went through some rough days during UTIs in mid stages and I learned to be really happy with whomever he thinks I am at any time, as long as he likes her and isn't trying to kick (me) out of the house or lock me out.
This post reminded me of the days when he would say how weird it was that "this place looks just like" his house. I did (and do) a lot of agreeing, validating underlying feelings, and then redirecting. Hugs and such definitely help. And our facial expressions are really important, to reassure PWDs. Remembering to smile is key! I have to remind myself of that caregiving tip, often.
As words and communication become more confusing to them, visual cues make a huge difference in interpreting whether you are friend or foe, happy, or mad. Smiling, eye contact, standing right in front of him in his field of vision, and monitoring my tone of voice has helped so much. DH is much more chill now, but especially in Stage 5 and early 6, to get cooperation instead of conflict, it was important to speak gently - a few times he said I yelled at him, and he was cranky and snarky right back (when I wasn't being cross or unkind at all but it was the volume I guess. Anyway, I don't miss that period except hearing his voice as he is almost completely silent now.
4 -
I am new to this. My DW is going through this. Thank you all for sharing. It all sounds like what we are going through. I put on my old name tag from work and told her that it is the only one like it. If she sees it she knows it is me. She sees me as being two other people, even giving credit to the other for doing work around the house and yard. The name tag has seemed to help keep her focus in who I am. Don’t know how long this will work.
It is so sad to see her forget our past together
4 -
I totally understand. I feel for you. The other night we were on a ride talking about a place we use to travel every weekend, and my DH said, that was you? I could've swore it was the other Rosanne😢. I said nope, it was me. He said wow. So you really do remember all about it personally. Or he might say are you my wife or sister? You choose. I try to keep it light. And have a sense of humor. Not always easy. Good luck to you
1 -
Hi Judy Bee, I too use humor and sometimes can still make him laugh, but I also get exhausted by circle of questions and generalized objections. My DH asks me a specific question like, What time is the doctor appointment, and when I answer his usual response is “I don’t think so”. What has helped reduce the quantity of repeated questions like that is a Whiteboard, approx 9 1/2” X 11”, that I print on and leave on the kitchen table, or bring it to him when he calls out same question from another room. I offer virtual hand holding.
0 -
My DH was diagnosed with Alzheimers Dementia in April 2022, confirmed by an MRI. On August 23rd, 2024, while we were at our cottage, he looked at me and asked where his wife went. After a couple of days of telling him I was his wife, to no avail, I became the companion/care person hired to care for him. I apparently don't look like his wife as he calls me a lovely young lady. Initially he was distraught, thinking she may have gone into the woods and been eaten by a bear. He wanted to call the police and called his sister-in-law (my sister) to ask if she'd heard from me His physician advised me not to argue with his new reality. So his wife sent an email to her sister to let her know she's gone away for now due to stress and rented a little house. The stress he feels is mostly gone now, though he does continue to ask if anyone has heard from her. He likes me, though, and thinks I do a great job. He sleeps in his own room, which he believes is appropriate as the lovely English gentleman that he is. Occasionally he attempts to flirt with me, although he knows that I am a married woman and that I love my husband. The whole situation is heartbreaking, and it has been almost a month that she's gone. By all indications, she won't be back.
1 -
I'm so sorry. @Cate2024 These ups and downs we all share just don't get any easier. I will say, recently, my husband has stopped referring to me as "the other Rosanne". So maybe for your husband it will happen too. One day soon you may return from your rented house. My husband's neurologist said, there is one thing we know for sure about Alzheimers, it's a moving target. He's in the hospital now because of a fall, and when I arrived yesterday he hugged me so hard. He said I thought you weren't returning, through his tears. It broke my heart. This is such a cruel disease, for everyone. Thinking of you 🙏
1 -
Hey Rosanne and @Cate2024, you definitely aren't alone on this one.
My DW has stopped calling it "our house" or "her house," and mostly calls it "your house," meaning me. That said, she also often tells me it's ok to stay over or asks "You can stay over tonight, right?"
And if she gets mad at me (which, fortunately, usually lasts less than 5 minutes), she talks of me as if someone else, asking "who was that ?!@?! telling me what to do?" She'll say "it wasn't you, it was that other guy."
It might be just minor comfort, but be assured it happens to others too.
1
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 479 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 241 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 238 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 14.2K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.2K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 6.9K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 1.9K Caring for a Parent
- 161 Caring Long Distance
- 108 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 11 Discusiones en Español
- 2 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 9 Prestación de Cuidado
- 2 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 6 Cuidar de un Padre
- 22 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 6 Account Assistance
- 16 Help