How to become a provider for my Dad

SanAntonioTX · July 21

This is a long story short. New to this. Dad has Dementia pretty bad and wife kicked him out 2 weeks ago. Us kids have been trying to care but super hard with this new lifestyle for him. The other day he fell at my sister's and we were in the ER for 2 days. He was transferred to a rehabilitation facility. He hates it. I hate seeing him there too. I want to quit my job and care for him myself. Where do it start? If I can get a house would this be possible?

harshedbuzz · July 21

@SanAntonioTX

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

There are a lot of moving pieces to your situation. Tell me about the marriage. Is it legal? Is it a long-standing marriage or something very recently contracted and potentially annullable on the basis of his incompetence. Do they have joint assets like a house or investments to which she has a right? Does he have assets in his name that she could have access to?

Since she isn't going to take care of him, you and your sibs need to get him to a CELA (certified elder law attorney) asap to make a plan. He may need to divorce this woman and divide assets in the manner typically outlined in your state. If she's younger and working, you may be able to get spousal support for him. One of the sibs is going to need him to sign a POA giving rights to act on his behalf to them. I personally would "share" this role not would I manage the care aspect of someone if someone else controlled the financial piece. If an attorney deems him competent to sign, that's great. If not you'll need to obtain guardianship or conservatorship through the courts. A CELA can help you sort this out.

Quitting work to care for a PWD is seldom a prudent decision. This is a 24/7 gig that can last a decade or more. If you are single, it will isolate you and if you are married or a parent, it will make it near impossible to honor your commitment to those relationships. And at the end, you will be out of the workforce long enough that getting back to your previous level of income might not be possible. Plus, you will have lost that time paying into Social Security and your own retirement and potentially lose your health insurance.

I don't understand the question "if I get a house?" What does that even mean? Plenty of folks move their LO into their home be it an apartment, condo or house. Sometimes people who have homes than aren't conducive to caregiving opt for apartments as easier all around. Do you mean his house? Even if he owns it separate from his wife, she may have rights to stay there as a tenant for some time which you go through the steps to legally evict her.

I would suggest calling 800-272-3900 and asking to speak with a trained care consultant about your situation.

HB

Emily 123 · July 21

Hello,

I wouldn't rush into home ownership to meet your dad's care needs. As HB said, an attorney asap is key. Use his funds for this. If lines of communication to his wife are available it would help to get access to his medical records and financial information.

Your dad is going to hate his situation no matter what, because of the dementia. It's not just about memory loss—the areas of the brain affected also control judgement and critical thinking. As harsh as it sounds, don't let your decisions be driven by what he wants or if he's unhappy. That's a hard pivot to make, but he's not able to retain information in a way that will let him make a balanced decision. He can't process emotions or information well, given the disease. You will have to compartmentalize your emotions to effectively look at what options can keep him safe AND meet the lifestyle needs of those who will have oversight of his care.

Step back, get some assistance to untangle his legal affairs, and then make a plan. The rehab should have a healthcare provider (doctor, nurse practicioner, or physician assistant) who's overseeing his care, and you can discuss with the provider and staff whether or not anti-anxiety meds might help your dad during this tough time.

A brief run through the threads here will touch on the challenges of caring for a person with dementia. It is not something to be done lightly as the caregiving becomes all pervasive for the caregiver.

I would read these to get a better understanding of dementia:
https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Careblazers-5 mistakes to avoid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO50pVUOlbE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncKhXQtnyfI

Best wishes,

SanAntonioTX · July 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216527#Comment_216527

Lots of moving pieces for sure, he is legally married for only about 3 years but together about 7 before that. It was her house already before marriage. He wasn't being taken care of for example (moldy food in fridge, sleeping on couch, only fed bread and crackers with sardines, verbally abused). His wife isn't in the best healthcare now and has to go to dialysis.

Took my dad a new bed for his own room to sleep in, she locked him and my sib outside. APS was involved. A week later we took him out with the fam and came back to drop him off, again locked outside so we couldn't just leave him and cops agreed as well.

After a week of living with different sibs we went to the house to get his clothes and meaningful things of his as in grandparents pictures and just little figurines he had around his room. The next day tried to get the truck his dad gave him, his bed a dresser and some his old tools that were handed down but was stopped by the wife's daughter so didn't get to do that.

My sib just became the POA for his medical now. Took him to his doctor's appointment where the doctor agreed he shouldn't be living there because the stressful environment (wife and daughter showed to the hospital and caused a scene leading to being escorted out)

Thank you I'll look into CELA, I will get on that asap.

I'm currently live upstairs in a apartment that was hard for him to walk up or down. My question was if a house would be more safe for him. Would be able to take all his belongings to so he can be comfortable for him. The ER wasn't good, I was there to help him, feed, restroom, clean while I was there. I know it would be a lot but I figured it would be better for him to have his own child care for him.

SanAntonioTX · July 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216532#Comment_216532

Thank you 🙏

How to become a provider for my Dad

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