Memory Care or Keep trying at home

What you are describing does not sound like "early stage" dementia. We are not all cut out to be caretakers. Some of us have physical and emotional limitations that impact our ability to cope with caretaking. If you are exhausted, then you should consider placement for your DH to preserve your own health and well-being.

I think it's wise to tour facilities (without your husband) now to at least develop a backup plan. Things can change on a dime. Even though I am caring for mine at home (with the help of an aide and hospice staff), I picked out first and second choice facilities in the area just in case.

You say he's early stage, but progression can speed up and slow down. There's no shame in placing him when you're ready. I'll be blunt. He's never getting better. You still need to take care of yourself.

nor do I. There’s another similar thread this morning from tryingtosurvive. It is not too soon if you’re burning out. I promise you (we’re now in our third MC year) that you can still love and care for your DH after placement. At the very least I get to sleep at night.

I think the toileting issues are something that usually occurs later in the process. I will say that I placed my DH before he had any such issues. OTOH, I was quite literally afraid of him when he would get into rages and begin throwing small objects. It got so bad I had to sleep with my car keys under my pillow to keep him from attempting to "escape". YMMV, but if you are having that "burnt out" feeling, it may be past time.

If you are exhausted and overwhelmed, it's time. It will take some time to have him admitted if there are waiting lists. I had planned on keeping my husband with me as long as I was physically able. I'm 76. In December I was diagnosed with a rare form of aggressive breast cancer and had to place him quickly. It took 2 months to have him evaluated and placed and then they were only willing to accept him for 30 days at a time for respite care. He had no other family members that could care for him. Things can change quickly so have a plan A & B ready. Read the behaviors in the 8 Stages and you will see that your husband is farther along than you realize. If your children support your decision, you should highly consider placing him. The facility will help you with placement. The facility where I initially placed my husband recommended we not visit for 2 weeks until he settled in. I did move him to a VA facility which is much better. The other facility had mostly women and it was dark & not cheerful. My daughter and I did tour it but didn't notice that then.

I am asking myself the same question. I am exhausted. DH can not be left alone and he has forgotten how to do many things. He needs help getting dressed and hasn't bathed or showered in more than a year. I feel as though I am reaching the end. He stays up late and gets up early and rarely naps. He spends most days obsessing over many things that neither of us can control or that happened long ago. I used to be Abe to distract or redirect him but that doesn't work any more.

My rule of thumb is, if you're starting to ask the question, then it's time. Start looking at memory care facilities. Talk to an elder care attorney about Medicaid planning. I'm so sorry that you're at this point.

MC placement is a difficult choice for most. In my case, my head knew it was time. Yet, my heart screamed "NO"! We tell ourselves that our loved one will be better off, happier, and better cared for at home. And we rationalize that we can hang in there emotionally and physically. These are often not true. IMO, placement into MC at some point, at least for many of us, is the best choice for both the PWD and for the caregiver. Hard, yes. But best. We don't stop being a caregiver and advocate after MC placement. And certainly we continue to love our PWD. MC just adds to the team of caregivers and can be best for all involved.

My wife is in memory care with the help of a long term care insurance policy. You and I are blessed/lucky to have such a policy, which very few people have. Since financing is not a roadblock, I encourage you to take advantage of it. If you keep him at home, it will wear you out to the point where you will no longer have the strength or energy to give him the care he needs. After placing him, there will be times that you will wish you hadn't because of how much you'll miss him. At those times, you must remember that having him there is better for both of you.