Daughter helping care of DW

My stepdaughter help me care for DW while she was home. Since she had her own family and a full time job it was mostly giving me a break on a weekend day but she also stayed with DW so I could take several vacations for up to a week. Getting these breaks was a huge benefit for me. After 4+ years of caring for DW 24/7 I placed DW but having my stepdaughter’s participation help me keep her home as long as I did.

I think this situation is totally unique to each family - daughter. I don't have a daughter, so I can't speak of how I'd want her to help with her father. My first question would be how good / close of a relationship does your daughter have with her father? Has your daughter read about ALZ, been to support groups, etc to understand that it will be difficult sometimes? Does she have an understanding that dad's not going to always say and act properly?

You've been given good advice to think over on this subject. I know everyone just wants both you and your daughter prepared. If it works out for you, that's a wonderful thing. However, if it doesn't, I certainly wouldn't want your relationship with your daughter stretched in any way.

eagle

It’s doable. Our oldest son has been living with us for almost two years. I could not cope alone. He works from home & I do all the shopping and cooking. We share expenses since I can’t work anymore. I can’t leave DH alone. Even though our son works from home he’s very busy & would not be able to make lunch or provide constant supervision for DH were I to work outside the house. So, I’ve learned that it really takes two caregivers. My son gives me some respite and intelligent adult company. He also does all the heavy chores that my husband used to do. I really could not cope without him. How much longer he’ll want to remain in this arrangement I can’t say. I think he’d leave tomorrow if he thought he could. That’s the tricky part really. How long?

For context, I’d say DH is early stage 6. He’s been wobbly on his feet recently. I have to bathe him. I have to prompt him to eat. He’ll say he’s not hungry when he has not eaten all day. Then I put food in front of him & he devours it. I have to pick appropriate clothes and sometimes help him dress tho he seems very aware that he should be able to dress himself & focuses hard on that. He’d wear the same clothes for months if I did not intervene. He recognizes me and our three adult children. If I counter him he gets very nasty fast! I don’t do that anymore LOL

Lilydaisy—

I think it's worth an open discussion.

When you say "home health" what do you mean exactly? IME, "home health" is typically post-acute care or medical assistance in treating a chronic condition like CHF or diabetes ordered by a physician for a limited time period. Mom has had "home health" ordered after a few of her hospitalizations for CHF/COPD exacerbations. In reality, this is an RN or a team (RN with OT, PT and/or SLP) who come to the house once or twice a week for a month or two for 30-60 minutes to make sure the patient is transitioning to home. These are medical professionals providing medical services. They do not assist with ADLs beyond a situation where a PT/OT might help a patient regain strength and skills. Normally Medicare will pick up most of this kind of care.

Or are you thinking of in-home aides? These are the people who, for lack of a better term, "babysit" to provide care and companionship so that you can get a break to meet your own care needs and recharge your batteries? These can be hired through an agency or privately and are paid out-of-pocket unless you have a LTC with an in-home benefit.

This is where you might want to crunch some numbers. Depending on the level of care and number of hours you need, these costs can add up quickly. Additionally, it can be a challenge in some places to find reliable quality people to fill the hours you need. No shows and cancellations are common. Residential care is very expensive but depending on the number of hours you need and availability, sometimes a facility can be more cost effective and dependable.

HB

I helped somewhat with my MIL. My FIL kept her home for those many years. How he did it, I really don’t know. He was 90 when she passed away and she was 88 and bed ridden. There were some rough years with regard to her anger (the disease), but he managed the majority of her care on his own. I came for two hours every day. In those years I worked and had two children and a husband. The last year he had a person come in a couple of hours 3-4 times a week to help him lift her out if the bed into a wheelchair so he could take her for walks and other tasks.

AlzWife2023,

My decision to place DW was made mostly on safety and caregiver burnout concerns. DW had gone through a period of high anxiety believing people were coming to hurt/kill us and would insist on leaving the house at all hours of the day and night which was completely exhausting. She was also starting to wander and attempting to eat various small objects that she might find around around the house. She needed eyes on her 24/7 at this point. She no longer recognized me as her husband (although she had complete trust in me) or our house as our home. I arrived at the realization that something bad was going to happen either due to DW’s activity or my exhaustion and it was time for placement. It turned out that placement was the best decision for DW, she has been much happier and calmer there than she was at home. She enjoyed having lots of people around, found friends among the other residents, and loved the activities especially when it involved music. When DW was home I could handle all her ADL needs but I could not be an activity director on top of everything else. DW has been in MC for 3 years now and in stage 7 but she is still happy there.

You should make sure she is willing to help, and not feeling pressured into it. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is a difficult job and not one anyone should be forced to do. Also, I agree with harshedbuzz—make sure she's on the same page as you about what help would mean. If she's unable or not willing to help, then you could consider at-home care. If you need anything else or have any questions, feel free to reach out—this forum has been a lifesaver for me.