Talking about someone in the 3rd person while speaking to them

Mike in NC · March 11

We suspect my 89-year-old mother is progressing from early- to mid-stage dementia but don't have a diagnosis yet. Recently, there have been a couple of instances where she's referred to the person she's speaking to in the third person. Like telling her granddaughter, Lauren, about "the basket that Lauren made" or telling me, Michael, that she "should have Michael look into" something for her. We don't think that she doesn't recognize who she's speaking to but that she just isn't connecting that the person she's talking about is the person she's speaking to at that moment. Is this something you've experienced with your loved ones as well? Is it a precursor to not recognizing a family member at all or just a communication glitch?

GothicGremlin · March 11

My sister did this to me a lot. The behavior appeared not quite mid-way through stage 6, so she was fairly far along at that point. She always knew it was me, she'd look at me and call me by my name, or she'd greet me by name. I think she always recognized me, my brother, and her best friend from high school. Others, not so much.

But the talking about us in the 3rd person was really weird. The other weird thing was that there was a portrait on the wall of the three of us taken shortly after high school. She would often to the me in the portrait, not the me who was sitting right next to her.

So, what I'm getting at is I don't think it's a precursor to not recognizing you. It might be just another one of those neurological glitches that people with dementia get. But I'm just guessing.

Carl46 · March 13

My wife does that sometimes. She still calls me Carl, but she sometimes tells me Carl does this or that, and the other day she asked me what my "official" name was. I think it is a communication glitch, since she developed other communication glitches at the same time.

My mother, who had VD and AD, recognized me until the last week of her life. I don't when or if your mother will stop knowing who you are.

VKB · March 15

Perhaps it is a momentary confusion that comes and goes.

harshedbuzz · March 15

@Mike in NC

It's hard to know if this is a language glitch or early signs that recognizing family is becoming unreliable or a combination of the two.

The loss of recognizing family has not been a black or white loss IME. FWIW, my dad recognized mom and I until the end. Mentally he traveled back in time to the 1970-1980s, so he would sometime remark that we looked old and referred to my husband of 30+ years as the guy I was "shacking up with". He knew my adult nieces most of the time but would comment that they were older than he remembered. He was hazier on my son (born in the 1990s) who was younger. Ironically, he hadn't seen my younger niece in the 10 years before he died and the older tended to avoid him after some inappropriate behavior when he was confused a few years before his diagnosis while my son was at their home helping mom with all kinds of odd jobs a couple times a week.

My aunt confused me for my mom in the middle stages of the disease but was happy to see us both. I have a cousin a few years older that she thought was my grandmother. FTR, we do both look very like the people she thought we were.

My dear friend's mom didn't always recognize her in the later stages, but she certainly remembered her daughter and spoke glowingly of her daughter when she believed my friend to be her favorite HHA. Her mom wanted to introduce them as she thought they had a lot in common and would become fast friends but was frustrated their paths never crossed. The experience was bittersweet.

HB

H1235 · March 15

My mom often refers to my brother as “ your dad”. I questioned her the first time she did it. She said she knew he wasn’t my dad and it was just a slip. I think that is true. Things just seem to get mixed up in her head. She knows my dad has passed. I think it’s a matter of getting the right words out of her mouth. I remember my mil telling me about something her daughter in law (me) was doing. I’m not really sure she knew who I was, but was always happy to see me. I take that as a win, since my own mom sees me and says “oh it’s you”. She is very angry with me. I would rather she not know me and enjoy spending time with me than to know me and dislike me. My husband would always walk in his moms room joking and announce “it’s your favorite son xxx”. This let her know who he was in a fun way.

Mike in NC · March 15

Thank you all for your replies. It helps a lot to hear your experiences.

ARIL · March 19

I am a little late to this thread, but I will pitch in anyway. I don’t think this is necessarily a precursor to anything, but it is a phenomenon I have started seeing lately in my 91-year-old father who is in the late middle stages of AD.

Sometimes he asks me my name, but then he will repeat my name and say “my daughter.” He shows me pictures of himself with me—at different points in our lives—and tells me that’s him with his daughter. Sometimes he asks if his daughter is still alive, or if I have heard from her lately. (I am an only child.) Then again, sometimes we will be walking together, and he introduces me to other people correctly, by my name and with the descriptor “my daughter.” I think he is clearer in his mind after just a little physical exercise. So it’s all unpredictable.

Although it is unnerving at first to have misrecognitions happen, it helps me to notice that in every case this “character” of his daughter is beloved, and he is concerned for her. When I say (very calmly, in upbeat tones) that I am [name], he says, “So, how are you?” as if everything that came before was just asking after me but in a glitchy way.

I don’t know what the future will hold, but I suspect that even if he loses track of the label that is my name, there will be a period when the emotional content of a connection will still be with us and he will know me in substance if not by name. I hope so.

BTW, I always state my name upon arrival at his MC facility: “Hi, Dad! It’s [name].” I think this helps—both my name and the relationship label “dad.”

sandwichone123 · March 21

I don't think there's any way my spouse could come up with a name for me, or a relationship word, but he knows who I am, and that's enough for me.

Carl46 · March 23

Sometimes my wife says "You and Carl do such and so" as if there were two of us. I wish there were two of us.

Talking about someone in the 3rd person while speaking to them

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