Feels Like a Lose-Lose

We moved my 82-year-old stage 3-4 Alzheimer’s mom from an independent living place near me to an urban assisted living place while she was on a trip last week. She is very angry and refuses to let us stay when we visit. She says she is being surveilled and kept prisoner (she can walk out anytime she wants, she just has to sign out/get buzzed out). She’s “being treated like a baby”. She says everyone there is “brain dead” and “very old”. She isn’t trying at all to make friends or participate. She tells the staff she doesn’t belong there. My sister stayed for a long walk and happy hour—there are kind and interesting residents. The staff is kind.

She was at a lovely independent living but she stopped taking walks bc she was afraid she would get lost. She stopped going to activities. Her boyfriend of a year at that facility tried to get on her car insurance, her meal plan, he tried to revoke our power of attorney, he told her when to see us and when not to, he wrote scripts for her to interact with us. When we tried to interact with her or help her he told her we were controlling her life and encouraged her to resist her diagnosis because she just has a “little memory problem” but is “perfectly capable” of running her own life. He bullied the staff to conceal that she had a bad flu from us (they did not). My sister met with him and staff for early five hours—she asked he stay out of mom’s legal and financial affairs and to stop driving a wedge between her and her family. He flat out refused. She sees him as her hero. She has always loved secrecy and breaking rules. Because of these factors, we have almost completed guardianship.

The doctor sat her down and very clearly told her she needs her daughters to make her financial, medical and legal decisions. She cried and cried but then forgot that conversation two hours later.

Despite her clear need for care and the things my mom has done when she was healthy that were very hurtful to me, I feel terrible that she is suffering and that it is my “fault”. I picked the wrong residence, I took her away from her romance and her suburban room with a patio. I guess we will have to move her again but she’s not going to be content with anywhere we pick. She wants to move to another state and buy a little house. That is not possible in her condition.

I hate this. My family worked so hard to pick a good, safe, welcoming place with activities and a community. My sister about killed herself making my mom’s room beautiful with all her things and interests. I understand my mom’s feelings but there is no perfect solution.