Spouse of Father In Denial about His Condition

Welcome. Does your dad have an official diagnosis? If so and your step mom still believes he is getting better, wow. Maybe there needs to be a serious conversation with some printed data to explain and hope she doesn’t get too mad. Do you hipaa rights? Could you log into a patient portal and see notes from the doctor or send a note to the doctor with concerns? If driving is an issue, maybe the doctor could address this with her. She might take things better coming from a doctor. Could you just ask your dad if you could go to the next doctors appointment? Are legal documents in place for both of them? If not I would recommend a casual approach that does not involve any mention of dementia. Maybe- we were doing ours because we’re getting that age and was wondering if you two have done this yet. It would probably be a good idea, you never know what’s to come. Could it be your step mom is showing signs as well? Is he safe? Is she letting him drive when he obviously shouldn’t, does she leave him home alone when it’s not safe? If there is any kind of incident where he goes to the hospital, I would jump on that as an opportunity to get him evaluated(if he has not been diagnosed). I would also ask lots of questions about driving, being left home alone( whatever your concerns are) while in the hospital. I have attached a staging tool that may be helpful.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

Oh! I am so sorry. I lived through a related situation for several years. I did get DPOA for my parent and HIPAA access with doctors, so at least I could know what was happening and solicit some help. But my stepparent had dementia (and anosognosia) too, although with adult children agreeing there was no problem there (not that they ever visited). Nightmarish. I made trips to accompany my parent to doctors, I hired home assistance, I answered phone calls, I worried a lot. There was finally a breaking point with a hospitalization; AL was then essential. It was the beginning of a better life.

My advice is to learn as much as you can, visit them, meet people who might be of assistance (doctors, lawyers, bankers, neighbors, clergy, the letter carrier, etc.). Work with the stepsiblings if they will; you are very lucky that they sound OK. And look for the times when action is possible. Also: look for moments of joy and true connection. Those happen too, and it is important not to let the stress rob you of the good moments, even if they are rare and fleeting.

Good luck. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I really wish you well.

@Nelson108

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

You've already gotten some excellent advice.

Sadly, this kind of situation is not unusual. My own mom was in serious denial regarding dad's increasingly erratic behavior and refused to have him evaluated for a decade after I started urging her too. In dad's case this was especially a shame because he had mixed dementia and one was reversible to a degree had it been identified sooner.

Two thoughts—

It's possible DSM is also having a cognitive shift. Given that age is the major risk factor for dementia and that women are affected more often than men, this is not unusual. Sometimes when this happens, the one who is currently less impaired flies below the radar. This can also happen if the second PWD presents very differently than the one already diagnosed.

The other concern is DSM's alcohol consumption. Aside from risks associated with care and decision making while under the influence, there's also a risk of her developing an alcohol-related dementia. Because women don't handle alcohol as well as men do in general, they can develop cognitive issues with lower amounts consumed.

HB