Caregiving for the Caregiver

MimiDIL · August 11

My MIL has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It has been slow in its progression (15 years since initial diagnosis). My DH’s step-father is the primary caregiver and has done a fantastic job. However, my MIL is now firmly in Stage 4. We want to support DH’s step-father as best we can…but we don’t want to be pushy or make him think he is incompetent or unable at this point to care for his wife. It is undeniable, however, we see the fatigue he has and the amount of time and energy caring for my MIL takes. We have told him many times to call us when he feels he needs a break, but he never has to this point. My DH, me, our children (all grown) are all willing to step in…but do we just show up? Do we make an informal schedule? They live an hour away, but it’s very drivable. We just want to recognize the caregiver needs time for himself.

H1235 · August 11

Could you make it about your mil? For example, we wanted to take her for a drive, do you mind if we are gone for an hour. You’re welcome to come, but maybe you would like to relax for a bit. Maybe just have a very sincere conversation with him. Tell him what a great job he is doing, thank him… Then tell him how concerned you are for him. Maybe tell him you feel helpless and letting you do something to help would make you feel better. How do you think he would feel about a few homemade frozen meals for two. Or maybe just bring a homemade meal for them to put in the fridge when you come to visit. Do you think he is getting any help? For example someone to mow the lawn is easy. Grocery delivery might be helpful. Even hiring someone to come in a do some cleaning would probably be helpful. Do you think he may consider one of these if he were encouraged? Good luck.

ARIL · August 11

It is great that you and your family recognize the difficulties and are ready and willing to help. That level of awareness will help you make good choices.

I agree with the advice above. I would add that your involvement can evolve. Go to visit. Assess the situation: maybe taking your MIL for a drive would be best. Maybe going for a meal—or bringing a meal in. Maybe someone stays with your MIL while someone else takes her husband for an excursion (either useful or fun). During these activities, you listen and learn even more.

If you show that you appreciate and respect him and that you can offer real help without drama, you can build your involvement.

I am assuming a lot about the personalities involved here, but your message is calm and thoughtful—it seems that this is a fortunate situation all around.

MimiDIL · August 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250274#Comment_250274

i think you’re on to something about making it about my MIL. Suggesting drives, small excursions, etc. We already do meals and clean the house. I don’t know my FIL has fully accepted my MIL cannot fully reason or comprehend her behaviors. As I said, the progression has been slow, so while it’s evident to someone not around her daily, it might not be quite as obvious to my FIL.

MimiDIL · August 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250282#Comment_250282

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250274#Comment_250274

Thank you. We love them both dearly. My FIL has been so good to all of us. He’s still very capable and active. However, while he’s not saying it, I think my MIL is keeping him pretty tethered to the house. Your suggestions have been very helpful.

Caregiving for the Caregiver

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