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Her Sun Has Risen...

CJJE
CJJE Member Posts: 32
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edited October 2025 in Caring for a Parent

I know the discussion title is a little unusual, but I chose to title it that way to reflect her freedom from the disease on this side of life. That's how I like to think of it anyway in order to retain some sort of sanity.

My mom, diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018, transitioned in late-August of this year. I am her only child. I knew this time would come, but I didn't know the complexities that would come with it. I'm relieved that she is no longer suffering, but no words can adequately describe the deep pain I feel because she's actually no longer here. No more nursing facility visits. No more birthday celebrations. No more hugs. No more hearing, "Oh, we LOVE your Mom!" Everything has just…stopped. The caregiver and attorney-in-fact in me have grieved, but the son in me will forever grieve. I feel as if a part of me died when she died. It's a weird time right now.

During this grieving season, I have had to confront some hard truths. My mom adopted me when I was a month old. Many in her family still have not fully accepted me as her child, even 35+ years later. Though my mom and daddy (who passed in 2013) always made me feel that I belonged, the family just hasn't. For three years straight, I changed my mom's diapers. I washed her bed sheets nightly. I gave her her baths. I washed, conditioned, and styled her hair every two weeks. I took her to her mental health, family medicine, neurology, and psychiatry appointments. I cooked for her and fed her. Though the family had many unsolicited opinions and misguided narratives, not one of them helped me. When I made the difficult choice of placing her in a skilled nursing facility, I was the one who attended all the care plan meetings and ER/hospital visits. I was the one the facility called when they needed me to get her something or changed medications or eating plans. Of course, as her only child and attorney-in-fact, I didn't expect anyone to have to help. It just would have lightened the load a bit, and I would have fully welcomed the help if it were offered.

They will never know the weight of all the decisions I've had to make for and about Mom, even now as I navigate her estate stuff. They will never know the weightiness of having to be the one to decide on hospice care and staying awake at the hospital wondering when "the time" would inevitably arrive. They will never know the gravity associated with seeing your mom in the active dying process and her body literally giving up on her. I hate that I have so much resentment toward them for just not being there for me. Even now, I feel as if I am the enemy and the continual black sheep, and I have no clue why. It's so bizarre. MY mom died, you know? She helped to raise a lot of the family, and the emotionally intelligent part of me recognizes and respects that. Mom had a lot of love to give, and she gave…selflessly and continuously. I just wish there was more empathy from the family's end.

Anyway, I just feel…lost. I'm trying to hang on, and I wish the family acknowledged that I tried my best when Mom was here, and I'm trying my best now as I navigate this post-death grief journey.

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  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 360
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    ❤️

  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 360
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  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 360
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    ❤️

  • ARIL
    ARIL Member Posts: 321
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    (@psg712 Perfectly said.)

    Yes! We honor you, we are with you, we understand the lonely road.

    What a gift of life and well-being you gave your mom. As an only child myself, I know the solitude with which you act and make decisions (sometimes that’s a blessing, let’s be honest :)…and I know that we have to seek out our people who will see us and support us.

    My deep condolences.

  • Anonymousjpl123
    Anonymousjpl123 Member Posts: 899
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    I am so sorry. It really is such a blow / disappointment when family members who are not involved have opinions to offer but not help. I am sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Get some rest. Take your time. It sounds like it has been a long journey.

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 3,056
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    You were her true family. You cared for her in her time of need and you advocated for her when she went into a facility. Please understand that even if you’d been her biological child and had had siblings, that you still might not of had any help. Many of us didn’t. We share your resentment and some of us have gone no or low contact with our immediate families as a result.

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,501
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    edited October 2025

    Agreeing with the others - you did great! You were the one there for her!

    The folks here on the forum get it.

    and yes - for the most part, a lot of us are doing the best we can with what we've got… without much help.

    I'm sorry for your loss. You take time for you, now. I'm glad you had your mom and dad. The others, as far as I'm concerned, can go pound sand.

    Edit to add: I do like the way you put it as her Sun has risen. That's pretty neat.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 2,952
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    I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to Alzheimer’s in August 2024. I understand how you feel. You never get over losing your Mom but in time the grief will subside and you will focus on the wonderful memories. She was lucky to have you for a son. Many caregivers here didn’t get help from family for many reasons aka excuses. Unless they have cared for someone with an illness they will never understand what you went through. Those of us here who have experienced it understand. One quote that I found shortly after my husband’s death: explains grief: “Grief is the price we pay for love” Your Mom is proud of you. Hugs. 💜

  • ESkayP
    ESkayP Member Posts: 92
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    I feel that sense of loss creeping into the forefront of my mind. I've been taking care of my mother since the summer of 2021 after she broke her hip. Her cognitive decline accelerated after that. I did the best I could until the summer of 2023, then my sister and I moved Mom into an AL facility. By September, she was assigned to MC. I'm the medical POA while my sister is the financial POA. While I'm glad my sister has taken care of the bills, she lives two states away. Most of the emotional burden has been mine. I think my sister was able to say "good-bye" a long time ago. I've been saying "good-bye" every time Mom loses ground, every time she transitions from one stage to the next, every time I try to find her in that weary face. I'm grateful for your post because I know the final good-bye is going to be the hardest. I've put off so many things I used to do or wanted to do that I don't even know who to be when I'm no longer her caregiver, her person. The title of your post caught my eye. Mom has made it to her 80th birthday, today. I sang "Morning has Broken" by Cat Stevens, one of her favorites. I hope she could hear me.

  • CJJE
    CJJE Member Posts: 32
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    edited November 2025

    To open this thread back up to so much empathy and affirmation and support has allowed me to breathe more easily tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you to each of you who have shared your personal experiences where you and your LO are in your journeys, and thank you for showing so much love. My heart is with each of you, truly. 💜🙏🌞

  • Boxer Mom
    Boxer Mom Member Posts: 7
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74486/her-sun-has-risen

    Hello, I'm very sorry for your loss of your mother. My pastor of my church once told us, that when you are born from your parents. You don't get to choose them. Because you are there biological children. But when you are adopted then that means your parent chose you. Which means you are loved or were loved. And in your case, your father and mother fell in love with you,enough to say to you we love you we want you to be our son. It is ruff on an only child. But you did an amazing job of taken care of your mother. And you will get your rewards in heaven one of these days. Like someone said you can have siblings, but that dosen't mean you are going to get the help you need. Because they always have an excuse. Or they will always put the work on someone else, because they don't want to have to deal with mom. Because mom can be very diffcult at times to deal with. I just have ran into that recently myself. My brother got guardianship over my mom, but she wanted to come and live with me. I was okay with that, because I've been my mom's caregiver off and on for around 14yrs now. But I wasn't okay with him getting guardianship over her. So now I'm stuck with her living with me, but I get know help taking care of her. As far as someone releaving me to have some time to myself. Because my mother can be some what diffcult to deal with, so him or my sister dosen't want to help at all. So I tell myself as I'm about to explode. Regret is an awful thing to live with. And I'm trying to do my best to take care of my mother. So you have nothing to be regretful for . You did everthing you could for her when she was here. And I'm sure if she could tell you, she would say I'm so very proud of you. And I love you so very much my son. And I'm ready to be called home and move onto glory. Even though she maybe couldn't tell you that,she still knew you were taking very good care of her. Now it is your time to get some rest and recoup. And once you have gotten yourself rested up, you might want to look into doing caregiving work. To take care of someone elses love one for them. You've been down the road that they are traveling. And you could sympathize with them, and offer them sympthy and support. I had done it for around 35yrs, until God blessed me with taking care of my own mother now. I always said God had given me my job's for a reason in the past. So now I know why, the only differance is I can't leave it behind when I left there houses. As my mom is living with me now. I hope this helped you fill better about loosing your mom. And if the other family dosen't want to acknowledge you, then if you don't go to church. And if you are wanting a family, then that's where you will find one. You will have a wonderful family at that. I can guarantee it. Take Care of Yourself! And God Bless you for taking good care of your momma!

  • Klako
    Klako Member Posts: 63
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    I love the title you have given your post. I lost my Dad is December and was his only caregiver for different reasons because my mom and sister had already passed on. I think people expect you are just going to be so relieved and just bounce back and be happy almost that you don’t have to take care of your loved one anymore. I feel like I am not sure who I am anymore without caring for my dad. Without having to make various phone calls for his care and finances or my almost daily visits. I honestly didn’t realize how much I would miss the visits. Someone said you say goodbye little by little but then you hold onto a good day or memory. But the final goodbye for me has been hard. You have done a great job and yes find your family somewhere, church, a support group or even in just a couple close friends. I have my husband and a few people who really get it and still check on me and those people are my family. Thank you for your words that hit the nail on the head of how I feel and please know you have family in this group. Hang in there and take each day as it comes and you find your way back to some kind of normal. You are not alone in that journey.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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