Her Sun Has Risen...

CJJE

I know the discussion title is a little unusual, but I chose to title it that way to reflect her freedom from the disease on this side of life. That's how I like to think of it anyway in order to retain some sort of sanity.

My mom, diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018, transitioned in late-August of this year. I am her only child. I knew this time would come, but I didn't know the complexities that would come with it. I'm relieved that she is no longer suffering, but no words can adequately describe the deep pain I feel because she's actually no longer here. No more nursing facility visits. No more birthday celebrations. No more hugs. No more hearing, "Oh, we LOVE your Mom!" Everything has just…stopped. The caregiver and attorney-in-fact in me have grieved, but the son in me will forever grieve. I feel as if a part of me died when she died. It's a weird time right now.

During this grieving season, I have had to confront some hard truths. My mom adopted me when I was a month old. Many in her family still have not fully accepted me as her child, even 35+ years later. Though my mom and daddy (who passed in 2013) always made me feel that I belonged, the family just hasn't. For three years straight, I changed my mom's diapers. I washed her bed sheets nightly. I gave her her baths. I washed, conditioned, and styled her hair every two weeks. I took her to her mental health, family medicine, neurology, and psychiatry appointments. I cooked for her and fed her. Though the family had many unsolicited opinions and misguided narratives, not one of them helped me. When I made the difficult choice of placing her in a skilled nursing facility, I was the one who attended all the care plan meetings and ER/hospital visits. I was the one the facility called when they needed me to get her something or changed medications or eating plans. Of course, as her only child and attorney-in-fact, I didn't expect anyone to have to help. It just would have lightened the load a bit, and I would have fully welcomed the help if it were offered.

They will never know the weight of all the decisions I've had to make for and about Mom, even now as I navigate her estate stuff. They will never know the weightiness of having to be the one to decide on hospice care and staying awake at the hospital wondering when "the time" would inevitably arrive. They will never know the gravity associated with seeing your mom in the active dying process and her body literally giving up on her. I hate that I have so much resentment toward them for just not being there for me. Even now, I feel as if I am the enemy and the continual black sheep, and I have no clue why. It's so bizarre. MY mom died, you know? She helped to raise a lot of the family, and the emotionally intelligent part of me recognizes and respects that. Mom had a lot of love to give, and she gave…selflessly and continuously. I just wish there was more empathy from the family's end.

Anyway, I just feel…lost. I'm trying to hang on, and I wish the family acknowledged that I tried my best when Mom was here, and I'm trying my best now as I navigate this post-death grief journey.

ronda b

❤️

ronda b

ronda b

❤️

psg712

WE on this forum acknowledge and honor the love and care that you gave your mom. She and your dad would be hugely proud of you.

Many of us who are primary caregivers/POAs understand the lonely road it can be. Even if you have other involved family, being the one responsible for the day to day care and the tough decisions can wear you down.

My mom is still living, so I haven't yet reached the point where you are in the journey. My heart goes out to you. I'm the mother of an adopted son myself, and I hope that when he is grown my son will respect and care for me as you have done for your mother. You ARE her true child. Well done! I pray for your peace and comfort as you navigate the grief.

ARIL

(@psg712 Perfectly said.)

Yes! We honor you, we are with you, we understand the lonely road.

What a gift of life and well-being you gave your mom. As an only child myself, I know the solitude with which you act and make decisions (sometimes that’s a blessing, let’s be honest :)…and I know that we have to seek out our people who will see us and support us.

My deep condolences.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so sorry. It really is such a blow / disappointment when family members who are not involved have opinions to offer but not help. I am sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Get some rest. Take your time. It sounds like it has been a long journey.

Quilting brings calm

You were her true family. You cared for her in her time of need and you advocated for her when she went into a facility. Please understand that even if you’d been her biological child and had had siblings, that you still might not of had any help. Many of us didn’t. We share your resentment and some of us have gone no or low contact with our immediate families as a result.

SusanB-dil

Agreeing with the others - you did great! You were the one there for her!

The folks here on the forum get it.

and yes - for the most part, a lot of us are doing the best we can with what we've got… without much help.

I'm sorry for your loss. You take time for you, now. I'm glad you had your mom and dad. The others, as far as I'm concerned, can go pound sand.

Edit to add: I do like the way you put it as her Sun has risen. That's pretty neat.

SDianeL

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to Alzheimer’s in August 2024. I understand how you feel. You never get over losing your Mom but in time the grief will subside and you will focus on the wonderful memories. She was lucky to have you for a son. Many caregivers here didn’t get help from family for many reasons aka excuses. Unless they have cared for someone with an illness they will never understand what you went through. Those of us here who have experienced it understand. One quote that I found shortly after my husband’s death: explains grief: “Grief is the price we pay for love” Your Mom is proud of you. Hugs. 💜