Dealing with uncontrollable anger

birddogg3766 · February 2

My mother is 82 and was previously diagnosed with early onset dementia. I didn't think the condition had progressed much, as I was not noticing any severe symptoms, but in the past year she has had more and more outbursts of uncontrollable anger. I didn't know this was a symptom of dementia until I looked it up after a recent, rather intense outburst. I had previously always tried to handle this by trying to explain to my mom that her feelings (of whatever it is that she is stating she is upset about) are not accurate and I try to help her understand the truth about the situation that is upsetting her, but that never works and just upsets her more. While looking this up, one of the things it says for dealing with this is not to try to reason with the person because that will just anger them further. I guess I don't know what else to do in these situations and I am hoping there is someone out there who has dealt with something similar who can offer advice on what they have done that works to de-escalate the situation. I can't always steer the conversation to something else, as she remains upset and doesn't seem to always respond to that, so I really don't know what to do. Please help, if you can.

SDianeL · February 2

welcome. Sorry about your Mom’s diagnosis. Two things i learned here on this forum 1) never argue with someone with dementia and 2) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Agitation is common in dementia. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They give tips on caring for a LO with dementia. Talk to her doctor about her anxiety and agitation. Ask for medication to calm her. Also get a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist which is the best type of doctor to manage meds for dementia. Try agreeing with her. Fib if you need to. Then redirect by changing the subject or distract with a treat. Ice cream worked for my DH. Remember it’s the disease talking not your Mom.

harshedbuzz · February 2

@birddogg3766

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This will likely take a two-pronged approach. Dementia with agitation typically requires psychoactive medication, most often an atypical antipsychotic at very low doses is enough to relieve with PWD of the powerful emotions they can no longer process effectively. Behavior is communication. A geripsych is the specialist for this sort of medication but some neurologists will prescribe if needed.

How you approach her delusions will make an impact, too. Trying to bring her back into reality by contradicting what she believes is the absolute worth thing anyone can do and yet pretty much everyone here has fallen into the trap. I know how easy it is to break the cardinal rule of Dementia Fight Club— "never reason with a person who has a broken reasoner". Instead, join her world and validate how she is feeling even if her "why" is totally fictitious. Dad routinely accused me of stealing $360K from him; defending myself against this only served to get him more entrenched and upset. Apologizing for something I never did— "I'm sorry I took your money and lost it; I'll be more careful next time" was all it took.

Once dad got worked up, he was difficult to redirect or distract. Adding a low dose of Seroquel helped a lot with that. Sadly, the progression of the disease and worsening of his memory made it easier to redirect or distract him with a snack or a different topic. We also found that he was more easily manipulated by some people than others. He was able to hold onto anger with mom (his caregiver) than with me (which is ironic given he and I never had a good relationship).

HB

H1235 · February 2

Welcome. SDianeL has given great advice. I’m just going to elaborate a bit. Agree- if it really isn’t important just go along with it. If she thinks the neighbors have done something wrong, side with her and tell her you have never liked them. If she thinks Elvis is alive, don’t correct her. Apologize for not being able to get tickets to his show. Therapeutic fib- if she wants to drive, the car needs repair. If she wants to go on a vacation to Florida along, tell her there was a big storm with lots of damage, not a good time for a visit. Distract- try to think of something she likes. I have a hard time getting this to work with my mom as well. Do you live with her? Dementia can cause problems with so many little things that you would not even think about. If she is living alone I would spend a few nights with her and really pay attention to what she is doing. My mom got a new toothbrush every 6 months from her dentist. When we moved her out of assisted living I found a bunch of brand new toothbrushes. She hadn’t changed her toothbrush in way too long. She one time ran her washer twice with no clothes in it. Have you considered a plan B? Lots of times a facility can have a waiting list. It might be a good idea to start planning for what comes next. Dementia is about so much more than memory loss. Lack of empathy, poor judgment, confusion with time, lack of social filter, problems with executive functioning, anger, anxiety, anosognosia!, inability to think logically, lack of urgency (not in a hurry for anything), visual spatial issues, reaction time, problems finding words, paranoia, suspicion, incontinence, problems with finances and numbers, problems learning new things and confusion. I have attached some resources. Do you have a DPOA? This is very very important and can not wait! I’m glad you found our group.

DBAT.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Dealing with uncontrollable anger

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