On the verge of a nervous breakdown

Hi everyone I am new here and not sure what to say or even where to start I just feel like I am losing my sanity. I do not know if I am the only person this type of situation has ever happened to or if I really am going crazy. It is a complex story; 7 years ago, I moved in with my mom who had had a stroke and was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Let me say that before I made the decision to move in and help her, I had to think about it a lot because we have never had a good relationship. I was born out of wedlock and she has held that against me all my life. I thought I must try, I must try to make this relationship with my mom work before it was too late so I decided to move in and be there for her.

Until about 6 months ago she would not even admit that she had Alzheimer and although she had the medication, she was not taking it. As the months progressed and her Alzheimer’s started to get worse, she wanted to argued with me so much that oftentimes I would just go in my room and close the door. It was always worse in the evening and early nighttime. When I would tell my sister what was going on she would tell my sister I was a liar It got to the point where no matter what I did for her and I did everything for her, her finances, her medical, I did everything for her I cared for her I did her laundry I cleaned the house and when I tried to get her to do fun things she wouldn’t do them.

As time progressed and her illness got worse her agitation and her behavior towards me became increasingly worse. Last year I had decided I could not do it anymore, I told my sister and she convinced me to stay. It got to the point where she was cursing me, she was throwing things at me, it was just a really bad situation. Recently out of the blue Mom and my sister decided it was time for her to move into a home. They waited until the week before it was time for her to move into a home to tell me about it. Somewhere along the line my sister had the house put in her name and I was told I had to leave.

The week before I learned she was going into a home my daughter, granddaughter and I took my mom on a trip. We had such a great time all four of us laughed and we had fun and it was a great time. It was not until after that I learned she said that I forced her to go, she was saying that I was abusing her and I was stealing from her. I had just given her seven years of my life doing everything for her and this Alzheimer’s craziness was out of control. It was like a never-ending nightmare and it crushes my soul to know about all the lies that were being told. Most of the lies were being told because she did not want anybody to know that she had Alzheimer’s and she wanted everybody to think that I was lying.

When I called her at Thanksgiving to wish her happy Thanksgiving, she did not even know who I was and that was OK until Christmas rolled around and she sent me a text message that said she was sorry and she hoped one day I could forgive her and go and visit her, that she missed having me around and doing things with me.

I know in my heart I did everything I could in an attempt to help her because in the beginning the last thing she wanted was to go into a home. We did have some good times in that 7 years but there were far more bad times than there was good. The bad times have left this emotional, I do not even know what to call it, I do not understand… Was it the Alzheimer? Should I have not been the one to care for her because we did not have a good relationship? How is it that other family members cannot understand that it’s the Alzheimer’s that affected her behavior and not that I am a bad person. It breaks my heart that they think I’m a bad person because I am not, I tried to be a good daughter and now everybody hates me and all I do is cry because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

Wow I went back and re-read this, it does sound like I’m crazy or a villain. Has anybody else had something like this happen to them or am I the only one? I really need to know because as I try to put my life back together and move on, I need to find a peace with the past 7 years. Unfortunately, not only am I trying to make peace with the past 7 years I am trying to find a place to live because of what my sister did and that is not easy either. I am living in a hotel paying a weekly rate feeling like I have lost my sanity, all I do is cry and I just don’t know what to do or where to turn.

Thank you for listening and God bless