Help me, I really messed up

lilacgirl · March 11

Ever since my mother's stupid eye doctor told her she was okay to drive, she has been RELENTLESS. She won't drive unless I give her my blessing (thankfully), but it is so bad. In our daily phone call today, she yelled and swore at me the whole time, wanted to know why I insisted on treating her like a baby, why I don't trust her, why I want to ruin her life, why am I so unkind to her, why does she need permission from her daughter to drive when none of her friends do, etc…. (I should mention that my brother let her drive while he was visiting her this weekend, so she doesn't understand why he is so kind while I am not.) It was so, so difficult and so frustrating and upsetting, and I am afraid I made the huge error of trying to explain and actually using the word "dementia" at one point.

I know what a huge mistake that was. That will be the main thing she remembers. But I was so shaken — I still am literally shaking — and I vomited at one point. I am not cut out for this at all. Please help me.

caregiving daughter · March 11

You love you mom. Recognizing this will allow you to gain courage—courage to face this horrible illness. Such a horrible illness that your mom will say very mean things to you. When mean comments flow, allow yourself to move into "professional caregiver" mode. Pretend you are a paid caregiver and detach some. Acting as a professional will allow you to exhibit patience and calm. Jot down some of situations to read back to remind yourself. For example, while my children were in school, I never used my cell phone to make calls while on errands. I only needed my phone for mom's doctors and social workers. When she was with me, and yelled at me for being on my phone, it was like a light bulb that reminded me she will never understand.

Relative to siblings, it is critical you're on the same page. Remove the keys and/or car. If brother says you are over reacting and allows her to drive, bring in an objective facilitator that understands this illness to work with your family. I can see where siblings don't want to listen to each other. However, if brother won't listen to a professional, there's no more convincing you can do. You may need to contact the DMV.

Hugs to you and please hang in there.

SusanB-dil · March 11

soooo, you used 'that' word… please, please calm down. Take a deep breath. None of us are perfect!! Not perfect at all, and definitely not when dealing with our LO with 'this' horrid disease. A lot of times it is trial by fire. We have just been thrown into a situation we. don't. want.! And yes, I've been yelled at, cussed at, and even kicked at by MIL. mom thought I was her sister for a while, now she has no idea. So yeah, it is all very frustrating, aggravating, and a few other descriptive adjectives we won't go into.

Are you able to speak with brother about the situation, or is he in denial and/or does he not understand at all?

Agree - maybe contact DMV… and also perhaps inform the eye doctor that 'NO, she CANNOT drive'. Her eyes may be ok for driving, but obviously, you know her mind is not. If she has been diagnosed and should something happen, insurance might not pay. (let brother know that as well). And maybe have her PCP acknowledge and reiterate that she cannot drive. Is her vehicle needed by another, or can it be disabled or even disappeared? A lot of times, the vehicle can be disabled and 'the part is on backorder'.

Agree - You care about your mom. She is blessed to have you. ((hugs))

lilacgirl · March 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267880#Comment_267880

I think my brother is now in the "oh crap, what kind of monster have I created" stage, especially because she had a fall and an incident of disorientation after the day he let her drive. (He rode in the passenger seat with her.) He now acknowledges that was a big mistake. I am glad because I swear I feel like I am the only person on the planet that grasps the severity of her dementia.

lisn2cats · March 11

I agree with the above comments….take a breath. You didn't mess up. I think we've all hit that ceiling where words fall out our mouths unintentionally (I used the word "crazy" - with maybe a bat-related word in front of it, and "dementia" - my mom hyperfixated on these two comments. And I got an earful of meanness in two languages!).

It sounds like you and your brother are in the same chapter and maybe even on the same page. I've read other forum posts where family members are at such odds that it just creates more anxieity, angst, and tension.

I have learned, mostly from this forum, to 1) not take any words personally (this is still the hardest for me). 2) Taking a detatched or clinical approach when the words and behaviors come flying helps a lot. 3) For me, I built up a support network of HER friends. They have saved me from myself time after time, reminding me that I am doing my best. They even pat me on the head and tell me I am a good daughter (these are like Asian aunties plus my dad used to pat me on my head when I did good, so it's comforting.) Sometimes they will reinforce what I'm saying - she takes certain things in better coming from them. She often sees me as the one taking away her freedom or telling her what to do.

And lastly, BREATHE. Slow breath in, hold, slow release. Don't hyperventilate!

And come back to this forum. I have found reading the various posts so helpful because there are so many people with sage wisdom who have experienced or heard it all.

H1235 · March 12

We are all just doing the best we can. We are human and not always perfect. There is not always a “right” way to handle things. I have made mistakes and I’m sure I will make more. As hard as I try I can’t seem to help taking the insults, anger and demands personally. I bend over backwards going out of my way to make her happy (or at least not set her off) and still I’m to blame for everything. It’s messes with your head. See your doctor and get some medication. I hate taking medication. I have always considered myself emotionally strong, but this was just not manageable. I had a few panic attacks. Medication has helped a lot. I’m sorry to say nothing in this journey is going to be easy, but once she is diagnosed, in a safe facility and getting proper medication, it will probably get better (it did for me). I think I am getting better all the time at controlling what I say, so I don’t make her mad. My brother has been absolutely awful through all of this. He would let her do whatever she wants. On the rare occasions he stops her, he tells her I don’t want her doing that😡. I can’t remember, who has the DPOA? I have found that even with the DPOA I can’t control what my brother does or says. Hang in there.

ARIL · March 12

You have been given really good advice, and reading the responses has helped me today too. We are all human, doing the best we can in the face of a relentless disease. You love your mom. You are doing your best. And your best is objectively really good. We see that.

I had an extra hard day at work, plus I found out about the sudden death of a young friend. Such a tragedy. Then I had to go visit my dad in MC, who thought I was his cousin (long deceased) and became angry when I looked frustrated. I didn’t even have to say the wrong thing. I just had the wrong facial expression, just for a moment! So hard, all of it.

Your hand in ours. We will get through together.

SDianeL · March 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267889#Comment_267889

see if he will read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and buy it for him and tell him you want to read it too and discuss it. It explains the disease and gives tips on caring for your LO. Also get the DBAT form to see what stage your Mom is. That will help you talk with your brother too. Do whatever it takes to stop her driving. Move the car somewhere else where she can’t see it. Disable it. Hide the keys.

Help me, I really messed up

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