Nursing facility. Does anyone have advice on mom’s boyfriend who constantly stirs the pot.

jkris · March 31

I am my mom’s HPOA/DPOA. She has a boyfriend she lived with for 28 years. Since she was placed in a nursing facility 6 months ago after a fall he is constantly stirring the pot. Today she told me she’s getting a petition signed to say she doesn’t have dementia and “it’s a secret”. She has Parkinson’s and related dementia. She says she’s going to be getting stem cell treatment. I asked how she is paying for it. She says oh you will find out. She will be 78 my research shows very limited if any trials she would eligible for. She didn’t trust him before but now he’s suddenly her best friend. She doesn’t even remember what year I was born but can carry a conversation with strangers or family/friends she rarely sees. Does ann have advice? Should the facility be helping me deal with him? I no longer speak with him due to his attitude. It’s too stressful for me.

Thank you in advance

SusanB-dil · March 31

As DPOA, can you ban him? Does the facility have any type of policy as far as who can visit? perhaps maybe even get him 'trespassed'?

Sorry you are dealing with him on top of caring for mom. uugh.

H1235 · March 31

I think I would check with the facility to see if they are able/willing to ban him from the facility. If she still has a phone I would block his number. At the very least I would make sure the facility knows that that he is not a trusted family member and should never be given medical information. It seems to me like you should be able to prevent him from taking her out of the facility, even if it’s just to go to lunch. Is it bad enough that you would want to get a restraining order. I don’t know how hard that might be to do. You might need to document all the trouble he is causing for a while to build a case. You should not have to deal with this.

jkris · March 31

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269236#Comment_269236

Thank you. It’s been a lot to deal with. I have thought about asking about a ban but I also worry it would make my Moms dementia worsen if he was suddenly gone.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269241#Comment_269241

They only allow him to take her out on Saturdays (after a disagreement). I still have guilt about leaving her in the facility. I agree he shouldn’t be given any information. I will contact the social worker or stop in their office and see what my options are. The nursing staff knows the situation already. They have been very understanding. Thank you for your reply. I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or if I am correct in my thinking he is planting false ideas in her head. Some days I’m just overwhelmed by it all.

pamu · April 1

You're not overreacting. Just asking…Is he really putting ideas in her head or is she just saying those things on her own? Does he believe that she has dementia? Do you think he is "defending" her due to his own fears for himself? My mom has told us all different false stories about each other for different reasons, mainly to find a way out of MC. She would beg, borrow and steal to leave. My mom can also showtime and converse with people at first as well. I can't tell you how many times someone has said that "she's not that bad"….until at some point in the conversation the wheels come off the bus and they witness it. My mom has tried telling us that she has brain cancer and needs to go somewhere else for treatment and that she needs all of her teeth pulled and they won't do it there. At first it was shocking to us but now we are used to these delusions. Maybe you could tell her that the stem cell treatment requires she stay there for treatment and monitoring. Wishing you the best.

sandwichone123 · April 2

If she still has a phone, besides blocking his number, make sure to remove his number and all numbers she doesn't need, from her contacts.

harshedbuzz · April 2

@jkris

Being the POA/caregiver to a parent is difficult enough without someone upsetting your LO even unintentionally. He could be perfectly innocent of everything but acting as a visual trigger for her unhappiness. There was a spouse here who couldn't visit their wife for over a year without triggering this sort of behavior. The spouse observed through windows and sent mutual friends to visit so she had company and eyes/ears in the facility.

In your shoes, I would put him on the "no-fly list" and disappear her phone.

HB

jkris · April 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269315#Comment_269315

It’s hard to say for sure. I think she enjoys us being upset with each other. We no longer have contact with him because he refuses to believe she has dementia and does talk behind my back to relatives. I even invited him to one of her neurologists appointments so he could explain it to him. The nursing facility has addressed this with him as well. Several of the nursing staff have communicated that my Mom is agitated after he visits. She told me today she’s divorcing me, getting a petition and taking me to court. The facility told me to take a deep breath and I was a loving daughter. I just feel terrible that she is behaving this way. She can have civil conversations with people. They have no idea what is true or false. I don’t know why I feel the need to defend myself but I do. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

jkris · April 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269353#Comment_269353

I have thought about this but I also don’t want to worsen her dementia. Just feels like a no win situation. It’s amazing how people (her friends) that see her a few times a year suddenly have an opinion. They say how much better she is doing…yes because she is on a schedule in the facility. I don’t want people to have to choose which side they are taking. I don’t think he cares if he’s triggering her. When she was first admitted we had a discussion about everyone being on the same page for her to have an easier transition.

Nursing facility. Does anyone have advice on mom’s boyfriend who constantly stirs the pot.

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