Family member's death

annewick · May 12

My mother has dementia. Her brother died recently (he had Alzheimer's and died of natural causes). My mom is confused and upset by his death and has been believing her brother committed suicide (which is absolutely not true). We are comforting her but does anyone have advice for disabusing her of the suicide notion.

caregiving daughter · May 12

Her belief is a very difficultt perception to have out there. However, it is likely similar to bad people coming and stealing things in the middle of the night or feeling like a stranger is living on another floor of the house. I would offer to listen. Listen, and then distract and by distract, I mean try really hard. Try sweets, a visitor, a baby doll, a dog, an old family album, putting your arm in a sling—something very obvious that could move her thoughts in a different direction. Please hang in there.

Emily 123 · May 12

Hello,

How is her memory? Does she know he’s passed, or ask about him without being aware? Is there something that reminds her to ask if he’s passed? A lot of times it will help to remove or avoid whatever’s triggering the discussions.
You may find it hard to correct her ideation about his suicide, as the disease will make her very sure that she knows what she knows.

At the end of the day there’s no point in having her grieve over and over. It may feel odd at first, but the gentlest way can be to deflect discussions and/or to tell her a believable fib about why he’s absent rather than the truth. I told my mom for several months that her good friend was 'in rehab after she tripped and fell'.

annewick · May 14

She wants to go to the funeral. I wonder if having this new memory with positive associations - closure, close relationships with surviving family members - can help replace this disturbing false memory.

Thoughts?

Emily 123 · May 15

She may be working from a memory from years ago or be confusing his death with someone else's, and that certainty can be hard to dislodge.

If her dementia is primarily Alzheimer's then she'll be losing her ability to store much new information about what she sees or hears daily. Even If she's able to remember the positive emotions of seeing the family, that probably won't reset the default information her brain is telling her. But, this disease is unique to each person, so…

She'll be working hard to handle the interactions and keep up with conversations at the funeral. It never hurts to have a plan B if she starts to seem too overwhelmed.

Family member's death

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