Guilt Trips

Hi Lilacgirl,

It's hard to not feel guilty.

But a disease, not you, caused her to need more oversight in order to stay safe. You were the best person to do what needed to be done. Not easy, but loving.

She may very well think she hasn't seen you recently because she can't remember the visits, which is something you won't be able to fix. Give yourself a break and don't feel guilty when the disease prevents her from knowing that you're taking good care of her. A move into an AL can be disorienting at first because she'll use a lot of her mental reserves each day to set up her new routines. That might make her feel more anxious too, and hopefully she should settle in over the next weeks. If you think she's stressed or more anxious than usual you can always consult with her provider to see if a low dose anti-anxiety or antidepressant will help—a low dose of Lexapro really helped my mom adjust when I moved her into MC from AL. Like night & day.

It's always tough, since the disease makes it hard for our person to feel whole and happy. The best you may get is that they're safe and healthy.

It does seem that right now, as she's adjusting, discussing plans about when you'll be away makes her anxious. Maybe avoiding that or talking around it will help?

Just you do you, and do visits in a way that feels balanced to you. If you need a break from visiting, take one. It's okay. Take advantage of her being in a care facility by carving out time for yourself and maintaining your own relationships 'outside' the dementia world.

Good chance that quite a bit of the complaining is the illness. You can't explain conflicting priorities as she will likely not follow. Do understand that your mom does need you but it's up to you to establish boundaries. I visited three to four times a week which was especially hard with school age children; however, my mom was one to judge and complain about other people's homes so I decided I would not bring her to our home. Field trips and lunches were in—coming to my home and complaining about the decorating and crumbs on the floor were out.

I second what everyone else has said. Protect your mental health, so that you have the fortitude to care for her. Also ... probably better not to tell her when you'll be out of town. That just fuels her anxiety. When my mom was near this stage, I learned not to give her a future date or time when I'd return. She couldn't keep track of it anyway. "I'll see you again soon" was reassuring to her without creating anxiety around the calendar. It also gave me some wiggle room if I had to delay my visit to handle an urgent issue at home or work. My mom was a master at guilt trips when I was growing up, and I'd twist myself into any shape that would gain her approval. As an adult, I've gradually learned that isn't a healthy way to live. Kudos to you for identifying this and addressing it in therapy.

Most people would say mom is able to have a pretty normal conversation. This is deceiving. There are so many topics that will anger her (not screaming mad, just irritated and annoyed). It’s not possible to have the normal relaxed conversation that I would have had with her years ago. I don’t speak without thinking through exactly what I’m going to saying. I constantly consider will this topic upset her or will this lead to a an upsetting topic. If I talk about working in my garden she gets upset because she wants me to take her to her house so she can work in her garden. Even if I tell her my husband and I went out to dinner last night, she gets sad and talks about how her and dad liked that restaurant or comments on the horrible food they serve her (this is my fault, since she believes she doesn’t belong there). It sometimes seems she wants me to be as miserable as she is and gets snippy if I talk of any joy I have in my life. She almost seems to enjoy it when I tell her about a minor injury or accident. I find this uncomfortable and unsettling and avoid these things as well. Conversations are hard and a bit like walking on egg shells.

Agree , visiting everyday is too much for three of you. Three? For you - you need to recover from the stress of finding a place and getting her moved- well done !; for her - so she'll get used to her new home and for the staff so they can get to know her better and put in the effort to keep her calm/entertained.

Also, time distorts in unpredictable ways for a PWD. I went thru many loops once to see a LO , it was exhausting . I called about an hour after I saw them when they got back to their MC [they had been off campus at a medical appointment] and got chewed out for never seeing them! Memory of our visit- poof!

You got her safe , visit when it fits your schedule. And when you are with her - stay in that time frame- no future plans, no past remembrances . It's right here ,right now.

Even if you're visiting every day, you don't have to stay a certain amount of time. If she starts in on you, complaining or blaming, fifteen seconds in, that's the time to leave. She really needs to have the space to develop relationships there, not just wait to pounce on you. Reward what you value, so while she's pleasant to be with, give her attention. When she stops being pleasant, leave immediately.

One of the traps we fall into is to ask, beg, remind them to stop being mean, complaining, undermining, etc. This provides attention, so rewards the behavior. If complaining and blaming are followed by, "I see. I have to go now," turn, walk, she may learn (not remember each episode, but learn). She may not, in which case the benefit is that you limit how much damage she can do to you.