First Day of MC

blacksparky · June 21

I have finally got my MC facility choice down to the winner. Check in date is in about 10 days or so. I would have been #3 on the waiting list but just was informed that the #1 and #2 families weren’t ready so the room for my DW is available in about a week. For those of you who have your LO in MC, I just want to ask you how day one went for you.
Was it like a drop off and leave or did you stay for a bit and leave while staff redirected your LO. Was the transition easy or difficult for your LO and yourself. I will be going a couple of days earlier to set up the room with pictures and items from our home to make it maybe easier for my DW. I was also asked if I had a problem staying away for a few days while the staff works on getting my DW used to her new surroundings. I don’t have a problem with that. When you do visit has it been better in the morning or afternoon. When you leave each day do you say good bye or just kind of sneak out while staff redirects your LO. This is all so new and stressful for me and I’m working hard on double guessing my decision due to feeling guilty.
Thank you everyone…

Carl46 · June 21

I stayed for a while to visit with the admitting nurse. We went over her care needs, if anyone was barred from visiting, etc. Then I went home.

annie51 · June 21

@blacksparky There’s no way around the guilt. We can say it all we want that we’re doing it for them, not to them. But if you’re comfortable with your decision and you find that she gets good care and adjusts, then it minimizes your guilt.
So you’re almost there. The first few days are hard on you but you WILL adjust. I’ll relay my experience. Most MC’s have suggestions on how to get them there. I pre-planned drop off day with the staff beforehand and had his room ready as you have planned. I told DH that we were invited to lunch at a new place. When we got there, a couple of the staff gave him big hugs, said it’s so nice to see you, come on in, and I quietly left (and cried and cried in the car as I expected). The head nurse sat with him at lunch and they showed him around a bit. They told me it would be better to stay away for a few days to let him get acclimated, but they called me or I called them for updates every day. I began visiting about day five I think. He was happy to see me and we had a nice visit. I tended to visit after lunch because it seems that the staff were busier in the mornings getting everyone set off the day, giving showers, etc. I did visit a few times in the morning but afternoons seemed to work better. I would usually stay until they were getting them settled for dinner, and once the staff began directing him to his seat, I would sneak out. When I was around it was too distracting and he wouldn’t sit at the table. A couple of times I said I had to go to an appointment but I’ll be back tomorrow and that worked ok too. They told me he was always on when I left, not asking about me.
Once you get through those first few weeks and you’re adjusting, and she’s adjusting, things get much less stressful for you both.

Keep us posted. You’re doing the right thing!

H1235 · June 21

Setting the room up in advance is a great idea. When you visit just depends on your wife. If they are having trouble getting her to participate in activities, it might be good to go during that time so you can encourage her to go and maybe join her and help her feel more comfortable with it. If she participates willingly you might want to plan your visits so they don’t interfere with these activities. If she is not eating enough, it might be good to eat a meal with her so she can get some extra encouragement, or occasionally bring a favorite meal in for her. My mom is not a morning person, so I never visit in the morning. You might find she naps most days at a specific time, obviously you want to work around that. With a little trial and error you will find a routine that works for both of you. The facility probably has some kind of activity calendar you can ask for. My mom was very angry about the move, so there was no sticking around for a nice visit after.

easy23 · June 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76365/first-day-of-mc

I found the second guessing and guilt in the days before placement to be the worst. On the big day I brought my DH to the MC for lunch. I said we were meeting someone. Once inside, the staff took him to a table with other residents and I snuck out. An Irish exit. I stayed away for 5 days and when I did visit my DH was fine.

I now visit him midday because it gives the staff enough time to give him breakfast, bathe and get dressed. When I leave I say I have to go to the dentist or babysit. Sometimes I just leave.

You are doing the right thing for both of you. Just be patient with the changes. You and your DW will both be fine!

BPS · June 22

It is really hard to say. In our case I told my wife she was going to rehab. She was just getting out of rehab from a stroke, so it was an easy transition. I went in and helped her get settled and then told her I was leaving but would be back and then went back the next day. Time is different in dementia land, my wife has been there for over two years and thinks it has been a couple of weeks. I don't think there is a right way, all you can do is judge based on what you know at the time and what you know about her. It is all so hard. Trust your judgment and you will be wrong sometimes but she won't remember and we learn and move forward. Maybe not forward but we keep going.

SDianeL · June 22

I also dropped my DH off for lunch. Stayed away 2 weeks. They let him call me every evening. The transition was smooth. I visited at lunch time. Stayed a couple of hours. Slipped out without saying goodbye. Told the nurse I was leaving. She would take him ice cream to distract him. When he asked to go home, I said when the doctor said so. He accepted that.

Vitruvius · 1:31AM

I placed my DW three years ago, she has since passed away. Everyone's experience seems to vary quite a bit but this was our experience.

I did not involve her in any planning or even tell her about placement until we were at the MCF on placement day, and even then I said as little as possible. I was certain my DW would revolt and insist on going home and be furious with me for planning to "put her away". She did none of that, she just accepted it without question and I realized she was further along than I had accepted.

From the moment she got there the staff was great at distracting her, but they hardly needed to. On placement day the MCF arranged a separate lunch for my DW, my daughter, myself, and the director. Then the director in a very kind manner, took her off to an activity. DW went without looking back (which brought me to tears). The director was fine with my starting visits right away.

She never, not once mentioned home, or questioned where she was or why she was there. For the first few months I visited every day, from the first day, beginning for about two hours, and after a while about an hour seemed good. I originally went about an hour before lunch or dinner so that starting the meal gave me an excuse to leave. Although eventually she needed hand feeding and I would stay and do that for her. When it was time to go I always just told her I was stepping out and would be back "soon". She was fine with that and paid little attention to my leaving. I didn't go during the many activities they had as I wanted her to participate in them while she still could.

After a few months I started going ever other day, every day was too hard for me. Then I settled on three days a week until near the end when I sat by her bedside almost continuously for many weeks until her passing.

I also have to note that she was always agitated and anxious at home, probably frustrated by a fractured familiarity of home and without the ability to understand her old routine there. Once she was at the MCF she immediately became more relaxed and seemed to enjoy the social stimulation. Perhaps she was free of the confusing vague memories that our home evoked.

I wish you the best of luck with the placement.

notequipped · 12:28PM

I’m getting close but not quite where you are yet. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you decide on ‘the one’? Was it boxes that were checked or was it more of a feeling? It is such a stressful and exhausting time. Try not to feel guilty. I don’t think that any of our LO would want us to go through this. You’re doing what is best for both of you. I hope that the transition is an easy one for you and your DW.

blacksparky · 1:26PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/275732#Comment_275732

My DW is on Medi-Cal and part of the PACE program which is there to keep a LO at home as long as possible. What I found out was that when the person can’t stay home any longer, the program will help them transition to a MC facility. The program here has several facilities that they have approved for placement. I visited them all and chose the facility that I really liked. It was both from my gut feeling and the answers I had from the MC facilities. When walking through the facility that I chose, the residents looked happy, the staff came up to me and welcomed me, the place was clean and it just felt like the right fit. Also this one facility had great reviews. The nice thing about picking one of the facilities that were approved, was that all I have to pay is the room and board as the PACE program will continue to cover all my DW ‘s medical needs and supplies like pull ups, wipes etc. I’m hoping to get her moved in the next couple of weeks. It happened faster than I had planned. We were #3 on the waiting list but both families ahead of us weren’t ready so we shot up to #1. I’m not looking forward to the DAY that my LO enters the MC phase of this disease.

Dio · 6:19PM

I had set up the room in advance. On move-in day, a friend took him there for lunch to "check out the place." Then quietly left when staff took DH to the activity room. I didn't visit for a long while though. I was told he asked how long he needs to stay there, and on a later day asked whether he's going to die there. Over time, however, he acclimated well to the place.

I was relieved when he was dropped off smoothly, and staff confirmed he went to bed fine. For the first time in a long time I was able to have a good night's sleep myself. Guilt didn't hit me until I visited and saw conditions of the other residents in memory care…so sad. I get depressed every time I visit, seeing how a life marches to its end, a slow march in an almost empty shell for many of them. Is this it? Is this how life ends for people afflicted with this dreadful disease? I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I just can't shake off the sadness.

Best of luck for a smooth placement/transition for your LO.

First Day of MC

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