one of those self critical days

jen ht · July 15

Hello dear community,

I am having one of those days when I question my decisions and see faults and what's lacking. I know that's silly because over these 2+ years I've done several things that needed doing to keep dad safe. Ugh. The reality, though, is that even when I remind myself of the positives I still feel critical.

I tend to power through difficulties and then kinda crash afterwards and have to take some time to feel all of the emotions that I had been powering through during the really intense difficulties. Anyone else do that? I don't know what it means about me. Survival mode maybe.

Anyway, I'm having a rough day today so I thought I'd write to you all here. I think I am probably just to the other side (for now) of the geri psych hospital stay and all of the emotions are coming to the surface now that this particular urgency has paused.

Dad is still struggling, but he is back at his usual memory care.

I know there are always uncertainties and unknowns, but not knowing if he can stay in his spot is kind of reminding me of how I felt touring places a couple of years ago during our 1st search.

Thanks for listening/reading.

JHT

SusanB-dil · July 15

Hi Jen - we only have 2 hands, and hindsight is 20/20. Easy to say 'don't beat yourself up', but don't. 'this' is a lot of unknowns and we do what we are sure is best at the time. That is all we can do.

Glad dad is back to his MC.

Take a breath, get some rest, and do something for you.

jen ht · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277452#Comment_277452

Thank you @SusanB-dil. These are great reminders that I will re-read many times over.

Nodding and smiling your way,

Jen

H1235 · July 15

I have made mistakes. I’ve had to choose between the best of the awful choices. I plan and worry about one thing only to have something different happen. I have been so stressed I could hardly function (probably shouldn’t have been driving). I actually had a full on panic at tin a grocery store parking lot when my brother announced that he didn’t know what we would do if mom had to move to a facility, because we would have no right to go through her home and the personal things in it. This is such a difficult road. We can only do our best. I want the best for my mom and I have high expectations for myself to always do what is best. It’s hard to know what that is sometimes. Try to find some time for yourself. Get a massage to work all the tension out. You deserve it.

jen ht · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277457#Comment_277457

Thank you @H1235 I so relate to what you've written here. I really appreciate your reply. Take care 💜

jht

Emily 123 · July 15

I don't think you can NOT second-guess decisions. I wish I knew the secret to making a life decision for someone and feel confident it's the right one. We do the best we can, and hope we get a little break between health crises and watching the decline. You're doing a great job for your dad. I hope you're able to carve out some time for yourself.

ARIL · July 16

Yes, absolutely I do this: I power through the crisis, and then when the immediate crisis is over, I rethink and question and replay and lose sleep. For a long time afterward.

You are doing well by your dad. Know that.

jen ht · July 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277461#Comment_277461

Thank you @Emily 123 Yep, well said. It is a lot and it's heavy. Thanks for replying and sharing your words of wisdom with me.

jen ht · July 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277477#Comment_277477

This. Yep, exactly. Thank you for relating. I appreciate your kind words. Thanks @ARIL

psg712 · July 17

We second guess ourselves because we truly want the best for our LOs, yet its not always clear what that is. You are doing your best for your dad. You love him and make the hard decisions. You are so encouraging to others on this forum - apply some of that grace for yourself.

jen ht · July 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277568#Comment_277568

awww @psg712 thanks so much for your kind words. I will re-read your sweet message many times.

Thank you. Take care. I am thinking of you lots.

Jen 💜

JulietteBee · July 18

@jen ht, even if you make the wrong decision, or you lose your cool, offer yourself forgiveness. After all, you are only human. "To err is human. To forgive is Divine." Also, I concur with @psg712. Please offer yourself some grace.

In my case, if things need to be done or decisions need to be made, I plow through solely on Adrenaline. After the crisis, the Adrenaline inevitably wears off. Only then do I crash, feeling the sorrow and the pain of the situation. Guilt serves no purpose. I tend not to recognize it when it tries to consume my every waking moment. I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day in which I can try again, and try to brainstorm how not to repeat what I did incorrectly, the day before.

Hugs!🫂

jen ht · July 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277642#Comment_277642

Thank you @JulietteBee Yes! The adrenaline fades and we feel the depth of the sorrow and pain. That's it for me. I think I needed this wording. Somehow it helps me.

And absolutely - His mercies are new every morning. Thanks for that reminder.

Continuing to send you and your family love.

Jen