Moving to memory care- how do I tell her?

Not the same situation but perhaps a reference point… my mom went to memory care under a respite program. I drove her from the emergency room to the facility. I did not try to explain respite. I just said, that for right now, extra care was needed per the doctor's request so she would be staying there. She did see some value in meals being provided, etc. Only you can assess whether she would understand a discussion, would remember a discussion, become agitated during the discussion, etc. Maybe a thought is explaining that it is the situation for now.

Welcome. My mom was still doing ok in Al when her money ran out and I had to move her to a nursing home. My brother insisted she be told a week in advance of the move. She was very angry! I brought her no boxes to pack thinking we would just do it the day of the move. The room she was moving to is small so she really didn’t need much. We showed up the day of the move and somehow she had managed to find boxes and had boxed up everything. There was no rhyme or reason to anything that was boxed. When I asked what boxes would go with her she said “I don’t even know what I need there no one tells me anything.” Later she insisted certain boxes had to go. I was rooting through boxes in the back of my car trying to figure out what she really needed. She demanded she had to have the box that was clearly filled with kitchen items. I put it in my car, but never brought it in. My brother loaded enough pictures to cover everything inch of the walls in her new room. He was almost as oblivious to her needs as mom. It was an absolute disaster! Mom would never believe she was going for therapy. But she also doesn’t understand that she is not safe to live alone. I tried to give her a very vague explanation of the financial need, but that didn’t work. She said if I had just let her live in her own house she would still have her money and she would be just fine. I stopped trying to explain at that point. Reasoning with a person with dementia just doesn’t work. I was actually afraid she would flat out refuse to get in the car. It was so nerve wracking. Thankfully she did get in the car, although she refused to ride with me since she blamed everything on me. I guess this is a tale of what not to do. I hope the move goes well.

I will be in this situation shortly. The current options that I am considering in no particular order are:

1 - I need a break (She wouldn’t recognize this on her own but once I point it out to her, my Mom is likely to accept this. Your situation may be different.)

2 - we are going on vacation

3 - the Dr wants you to stay here for a while for xyz

I will not be telling her that it is a permanent move. My mom is very social. Getting her there is going to be the hard part. My hope is that she will enjoy the social interaction and want to stay once she gets there. Admittedly, my expectations may be too high. Trying to rationalize in any way that this is for her benefit would not work. She still doesn’t think that there is an issue.

Should you decide to go with any type of discussion, I would not do it far in advance. My mom gets easily fixated on things. Maybe when you leave the house, in the car, etc. Again though, totally depends on your Mom.

Much of the time with my Mom, it’s the delivery, rather than the content of what I’m saying. When I get emotional, she gets emotional. If I keep things matter of fact and without much advance notice, she just goes along with it.

Hope that it goes as well as can be expected for you.