Caring for dad

fatherMiguellove · July 20

I am one of 7 children. My mother just passes away 2 months ago, and my dad was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My siblings and I have been trying to care for him by taking turns, but it seems like it's not going to work this way. We all have full time jobs and families. I go back to work in a week and I am stressed that he will be alone. My mother used to do everything for him. He doesn't even know how to use the microwave to warm up his food. He can't cook. How can I get someone to care for him daily and make sure he eats and takes his medicine. He is almost 91 years old.

JulietteBee · July 20

Please accept my condolence on the death of your dear mom.

For inhome care, you will need to locate a local nursing agency and hire home health aides to come out to be with him 24/7 and prepare his meals.

The above option will prove to be quite costly. Do any of you siblings live close by? Could those who live nearby plan to take turns sleeping at dad's house, 7 nights of the week? Could dad move in with any of you, even if only until a more stable longterm option is found?

You have all embarked on a harrowing journey, one that unfortunately will cause you to grieve not only your mom's death but your dad's daily losses.

Welcome to our online family. You are more blessed than I am, in having siblings. Despite having siblings, you are quickly going to recognize the benefit of having an "online family" who are walking/have walked this journey and are willing to give you valuable insights from personal lessons learned. Hugs!🫂

fatherMiguellove · July 20

Thank you. We all took turns sleeping over with my mom and dad during my mom's fight with cancer. I think everyone is burnt out. 2 of us live within 10 minutes of my dad, 3 live about an hour away, and 2, 4 hours away. Some have children with disabilities or younger children that prevent them from sleeping over. I feel most of the strain, because my 4 children are adults and I am "available", but I am a special education teacher who will be starting my new school year very soon. My dad has lived in this house for 52 years and I know wants to stay here. It is so hard for me right now because I feel like I'm always reaching out to my siblings to ask who can come over and be with dad on certain days. I feel like the scheduler. Tomorrow maybe his first day alone, and I am scared. I will be setting up my new classroom. I reached out to my siblings, but no one can come tomorrow.

JulietteBee · July 20

Oh no, I can appreciate your concern about tomorrow. Is there a close neighbor who may have a teenage daughter? She may want to earn a little money before school reopens.

Until a more reliable, longterm solution is found, she would basically be tasked with "babysitting" a 91 year old. She would just have to ensure he eats and does not do anything that may harm himself while you are away.

By the way, caregiver burnout is real. You each need to know that it is not a personal failure and pat yourselves on the back for holding down the fort while mom was ill.

Quilting brings calm · July 20

What your dad wants is not the same as what will keep him safe. Either he needs 24 hour in home care or he needs assisted living. Your family is already burned out after 2 months- this could go on for several years even at his age. The reality is that you all have jobs, school, lives, marriages, relationships. The saying here is that dementia will take the patient, don’t let it take the caregiver too,

harshedbuzz · July 20

@fatherMiguellove

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother. So often a spouse provides a great deal of day-to-day scaffolding for their PWD and when they're gone, it's as if the PWD crashes and burns.

In home care is very expensive on a daily basis even for a single visit to assist with meals and medication. Most agencies have a 4-hour minimum/day and charge $35+/hour where I live with premiums for nights, weekends and holidays. It may take a while to find a good fit and call-outs/turnover are common.

I can appreciate wanting to age-in-place at his own home but unless he has unlimited funds or a robust LTC policy that may not be possible. It might make more sense to seek placement now for the sake of safety. The better MCFs expect residents to be self-pay for 2-3 years before Medicaid kicks in, so you'll want to make sure you don't spend his assets to keep him home and then have nothing left for a MCF.

HB

Victoriaredux · July 21

@fatherMiguellove

I'm sorry about the loss of your Mother. Has your Dad made/updated his legal papers? Is there an active DPOA? That person should be the lead on getting your Dad safe. An elder law attorney can advise on qualifying for medicaid in your state.

Out of his hearing I'd check with a realtor what you could rent his house out for , guess what capital gains would be if the house is sold so you, or the DPOA would have a clear picture of how to provide your Dad with the 24 hour caregiving safety it sounds like he needs. A patient with Alzheimer's needs more than staging of their meds or food. With lack of judgement and failing memory 24 /7 over sight is needed-you can't count on them to remember or understand any chores or needed behaviors. Vision can be impaired also.

Sounds like you need to do an emergency hire for tomorrow and then maybe look for a day care place but then you'd still have to staff for the rest of the 24 hour clock. A MC or high level AL may be good for your Dad, for a while he may miss the house but without your Mom it will never feel the same and being placed would give him folks and activities around him .

H1235 · July 21

So sorry about your mom. Your dad may want to age in place, but that’s probably not a practical solution to the problem and with dementia he doesn’t have the capacity to understand that. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It sounds simple, but it is an incredibly difficult symptom to deal with. Someone (person with the DPOA) needs to step in and get him into a safe living environment. Some facilities can have a waiting list to get in. We waited 6 months. This is such a difficult time! There is so much that needs to be addressed and it’s incredibly difficult to go against what your parent wants (even if they are not thinking clearly).

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

DBAT.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

ARIL · July 21

My sympathies in the loss of your dear mother. And also for the impossibly difficult situation you find yourself in now.

The advice above is thorough and sound. I agree that your dad already needs 24/7 care, either in an assisted living facility—where meals are provided and meds are managed—or with constant, expensive in-home care.

A while ago I helped my elderly dad move out of the house he had lived in for almost 50 years. A huge undertaking—but I now think of it as one of the best things I’ve done in my whole life. For his safety and well-being and for my own mental and physical health.

This is so hard. The people on this forum do understand.

Caring for dad

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