Need to vent- Struggling as a F 29 y/o caring for Dad

rose523 · July 28

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m just looking to vent and feel seen as I feel most of my friends do not understand and I have no family. My dad is 84 and was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia about 4 years ago. My parents divorced when I was young and I have 1 younger sister. When dad was no longer able to live independently my sister moved back from England with her “husband” to live with him since they didn’t really have a place to live in the UK and she didn’t have a visa. I lived close by and always stoped by but my sister and I never have got along. A huge communication breakdown happened bc my sister didn’t communicate with me or my mom about dad. My mom always helped with dad and is a pharmacist but my sister stopped telling us when medications changed and stopped communicating. Things deteriorated her husband left her a year later and she was living in the home with dad and an uncertified companion to help. Eventually without our knowledge this past fall she stopped sleeping there most nights and left him with the companion alone lost if the time. Big blowup at Christmas when the companion and my sister wanted to leave for a week at the same time and she wanted to put him in a home for a week and wouldn’t even take the time to tour it but went to holiday parties. I Told her I need the things out of my old room she was living in but she didn’t think I was serious. Christmas week im staying there with the companion realize they are feeding him expired food, garbage is everywhere the stupid companions dog peeing and pooping everywhere nothing cleaned. My mom and I fired the companion Christmas morning and both of us moved into dad’s house. I packed my sisters things up in boxes and put them in the basement and let her know she can sleep down there with an air mattress until she moves since she had plans to move in March anyway. Screaming fights happened when she came to get her things she thinks dad was fine and we are wrong. She also knew the companion was being mean to dad and didn’t tell us and just left for vacation. My mom only knew because she heard it on camera and confronted my sister. I broke my lease for my apartment, moved into dad’s house with my mom and my fiancé and hired aides to try and make it work. We couldn’t do it at home despite trying for over a month. We ended up having to move him into a memory care facility. This whole situation has broken my heart. I’m living in the house it feels so empty without him and I know he’s not coming home. But I feel like he should be in his room or in kitchen making breakfast as usual. What a loss my sister really put dad in danger and isolated him. I’ll never forgive her She’s not my family anymore I just can’t believe that’s what happened. Everyone else I feel got to back to
Some sense of normal but I’m not used to the new normal. The neglected house, visiting dad and bringing him everything he needs, paying the mortgage. I’m also back in my highschool town no one lives here anymore I worked so hard to leave and now right back and everyone else is gone. I took on so much and I can’t get my feet back in the ground. Poor dad doesn’t remember me most days I leave crying sometimes but if I don’t go no one does my sister goes once a week barely I go at least every other day. Just so unfair many people in the facility are so much older than dad they got so many more years. Im only 29 none of my friends even remotely understand. I feel so alone without any family or strong support. I’m supposed to be planning a wedding and I don’t even want to. Everything is so different and I feel so stuck in this place trying to make the best of whatever time dad has left. Any helpful quotes that help you get through the day? What’s your favorite memory you have with your parent? I miss going on trips with my dad he took us amazing places. Thanks for reading.

TrumpetSwan · July 28

Welcome Rose523 to a very supportive community. Others will reply, but here are my initial thoughts.

First, you have taken on a large responsibility, and I think you have done a great job. You recognized your dad needed care, you removed individuals who were not providing what was needed, arranged for support at home, realized the level of needed care was higher and then coordinated a move to a managed care facility. You did all that while navigating a difficult sibling? Whew! I think you have moved mountains.

Secondly, now that your dad is getting the support of care from his facility, do you feel comfortable with allowing those there to take over a bit more of his daily needs? It is so easy to lose yourself to filling the gaps for your loved one when this disease constantly surfaces new needs. It is exhausting. It is relentless. Just when you think you have something solved, another issue comes along.

I believe you when you say very few of your friends understand. It does not mean they do not care about you. Even at my age, they do not understand unless they have lived it. At 29 years old, you have a career to build and a wedding to plan. Those are great things. Once married, you will have a new husband and new life to nurture. You deserve to pursue those things and to spend your time and energy toward your own future. Your own happiness matters and so does your wellbeing.

SusanB-dil · July 28

Hi rose523 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I agree with TrumpetSwan - that is way too much to handle on your own. Now dad is in memory care, where he is safe and comfortable, and not being yelled at, and not eating expired food. . So… please let some of that go. Get it off your shoulders. You will always be there for him, but you don't need 24/7 worry. You will always be his advocate. Agree - not having to do so much for him puts you in a different place, now, than what you've been used to. That may take time to re-adjust. Meanwhile, start focusing more on wedding plans (also stressful enough, or keep it more simple if you need to)

It does sound like sis was just there to crash to sleep, and not caring. dang!

We do understand. Vent when needed! ((hugs))

April23 · July 29

Rose, I’m so sorry. It is indeed heartbreaking. You are grieving the loss of your dad while he is still here which is very hard to come to terms with. It’s called ambiguous loss. But let yourself feel the anguish and cry your tears. I cried for weeks after placing my dad, I thought I’d never get over it. I have family struggles as well that I had to get therapy for and it helped a lot.

You are indeed in a new normal but that doesn’t mean your own life stops. You still have needs and plans and you should not feel guilty. Our lives still have to go on even once our parent is in LTC. Eventually the grief will lessen and you will find a balance.

Normally I visit my dad 2-3 times a week. Luckily I have other family that visits but even if I didn’t, 3 times a week would probably be my max. I have a husband, my own appointments, a household to help run, a mother, child, and friends that I still need to be present for. Our mental health is so important, don’t neglect it. You can search this site for local virtual or in person support groups in your area. Come here when you need it, we’re here.

My favorite memory of my dad was when he saw me on my wedding day. :) And when I told him he’d be a grandpa. Going for a hamburger and then watching the US Open every Father’s Day. How much he loved the holidays. The sadness is still there but it’s tolerable now. You’ll get there.

sandwichone123 · July 31

My dad is in good health, elderly but living alone. I visit him once a week and my brother visits him once a week. I would feel less responsibility to visit if I knew that he had people around and activities to attend. I'd like to think I'd still try to visit weekly, but I know I would probably drop the ball more often because he had less need of me.

Did you see your dad more often than weekly before he became confused? You don't need to now either.

Grenah · August 3

First off, everyone here will tell you to take care of yourself. This is a marathon not a sprint. I have a lot of trouble taking this advice. I live with my 96 year old mother with dementia and a sister who I have never gotten along with. The tension at times is almost palpable. Our relationship seems to be better than yours with your sister though. I come here because people here understand and they have knowledge of valuable resources. I physically live with my mother, the woman who raised me makes the occasional cameo appearance. The woman who inhabits her body can be any number of personalities depending on the day, some of whom vaguely resemble the person I knew. You seem to be doing the best you can with what you have. No one, not even your father, can ask more than that. You can only do what you can do. This is a wonderful place to vent and gain perspective.

"Family" isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Find support elsewhere. Maybe here.

Thanks for listening.

Need to vent- Struggling as a F 29 y/o caring for Dad

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