Mom’s (61 w/Alzheimers) Sister Died Suddenly Due to Medical Malpractice

rosecoloredglasses · September 9

Hi everyone! I know the title is,,,a lot. My mom is the youngest of 4, adores her older siblings. One of them unfortunately has passed two days ago, a doctor caused more damage than repair. It was completely sudden, and I am struggling with how to tell my mama. She is extremely emotional, and I’m concerned that telling her this information would just send her into an irreparable state. And not telling her isn’t exactly an option, because my cousin (the daughter of those passed) is getting married in 4 weeks. There’s no way I can convince an entire wedding of people to not mention the mother of the bride to the aunt of the bride, HER OWN SISTER. Like of course it’s going to get brought up, but I think it’s just going to re-traumatize her each time she remembers! She can’t follow a conversation and every single time you’re speaking and she’s in ear shot she asks again and again and again what you’re talking about. I feel like my brain is going to explode trying to figure this out, I’m not even able to grieve the loss of my own aunt properly. We were pretty close, had some tension over the years but was just starting to repair it. My heart is broken, for myself, for my mom, and for my aunt. I know this is very convoluted so ANY advice, even if you think it won’t apply, would be awesome. Hope you and your loved ones are all well!!

ARIL · September 10

Oh, I am so sorry for everyone in this situation! Please accept my sympathy. I too will be attending a wedding next month that is occurring shortly after a death in the same family, so I feel this with you.

What to say to PWD about deaths is a hot-button topic, and different people here have very different perspectives. I tend to favor informing the PWD—once, and at the time where it’s most relevant. But that’s based on my family, our attitudes about death, and prior experience. So a different solution may be better for you.

My “advice,” if there’s any here, is to have confidence that there are not rules about this. You know your mom and the situation best. You can make a good choice among bad options.

There was another post recently on a similar topic. You might find the range of responses helpful:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76833/should-i-tell-my-mom-that-one-of-her-best-friends-has-died

So sorry about your loss.

H1235 · September 10

So sorry for your loss. So often there is just no good solution. As Aril said, you know your mom and the situation best. Here are a few things to consider. Does you mom need to go to the wedding? My mil went to a grandchild’s wedding and she was totally confused and overwhelmed. If you tell her do you think she will remember her sister has passed by the wedding? If not will discussion of it at the wedding be like she is hearing the news for the first time? That’s a bad situation to be getting that kind of news. You could end up with her having a bit of a breakdown at the wedding. Could you tell her, see how she takes it and then decide if you should take her to the wedding. Maybe you could tell her they postponed it because of the death. Would she even ask about the wedding again? If you made a point of not bringing it up maybe she would just forget about it. We told mom about a death in the family. She asked about the funeral, but we didn’t have any information yet. Two days later she had forgotten all about it and today she would probably tell me this person is still alive. I hope you can find a solution that works. Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t go as planned and you feel like you made a mistake. Sometimes there is just no way to know what’s best.

Victoriaredux · September 10

I'm sorry you are going through this when it should be a happy family time.

H1235 gave good advise—you said about your Mom: "She can’t follow a conversation and every single time you’re speaking and she’s in ear shot she asks again and again and again what you’re talking about."

Even without the loss of your Aunt that would make attending the wedding taxing for all. If everyone says "Sorry about "Sister " " 50 times to your Mom out of respect that could cause a lot of tension and looking for "Sister" at the wedding.

The wedding day will be bittersweet for your cousin and helping her have the most positive day under the circumstances would be a kind gift to the memory of your Aunt.

Depending on distance perhaps the new couple can visit with your Mom before or after the service .

Sorry about your loss.

MN Chickadee · September 10

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I would tell mom once and see how it goes. If she doesn't remember then it's not fair to keep telling her over and over for her to learn this awful news repeatedly and grieve fresh all the time. If she doesn't retain that her sister is gone, I'd deflect and distract over telling her again. Therapeutic fibbing. As for the wedding, I would base that off how the initial conversation goes. The event sounds like a lot for a PWD even without the bereavement aspect. It could be it would be better for her not to go, or to make a short appearance. If her memory loop is short I'd assume she won't remember that sister is gone, and be prepared to intervene as people talk with her. Maybe get the word out to everyone possible ahead of time that she can't remember that and not to bring it up. I certainly would not leave her unattended to talk with people who don't understand the situation, it could be dreadful for her. I had the difficult position of having mom lose her brother when she was in the middle stages of dementia. We were literally at his celebration of life and when people would bring up him being gone she would argue and say what are you talking about, he's not dead. I stayed close by at all times and got her out of there as quickly as possible. In hindsight I perhaps should not have had her there but she, my sister and myself were literally his only surviving relatives so it felt important. There's no good choice in some of these situations. Good luck.

harshedbuzz · September 10

@rosecoloredglasses

The fact that you brought the question here, suggests to me your gut already knows what is best in the situation.

Given your description of mom's poor short-term memory issues, emotional lability and the FOMO behavior of interjecting the conversations of others this is a recipe for disaster.

You could tell her once. IMO, a PWD, up until the latter part of stage 6 is entitled to be told once. I would leave out the accusations of malpractice to minimize her distress. "She had surgery and unfortunately didn't make it".

Sometimes PWD will remember an event with high emotional content, but not always.

There is no realistic way for you to contact everyone who will be in attendance try to restrict their conversations; do you even have contact information for every member of both families, coworkers and friends of the couple on the guest list?

If you bring mom and she's forgotten being told and/or even attending services for her sibling, she's likely to become distressed at hearing the news for the first time and possibly create an angry scene around the fact that no one told her that her sister died or took her to the funeral even if you did.

The day is going to be a challenging and bittersweet one for your cousin. I'd send my regrets and a gift. You don't want to risk a scene.

HB

GothicGremlin · September 11

@rosecoloredglasses

I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt, as well as the situation you now find yourself in. There are no good choices.

You didn't mention what stage your mom is in … stage 5, stage 6? But I think you're right - if she's told about her sister's death, it's going to traumatize her each time she hears it.

I can only tell you what I did when faced with choices like this when I was caring for my sister who had early onset Alzheimer's.

We stopped taking her to family gatherings right around middle stage 5. She couldn't navigate that many people. It was just too much for her. She started having outbursts even when she was late stage 4.

Once she stopped remembering that our parents had passed away (they died years ago), we quit giving her bad news about any family member. I sent emails to everyone telling them not to tell her if anyone was sick or had passed away. And that worked for quite some time.

Best laid plans and all …. When she was in stage 6, a thoughtless relative told her that our uncle passed away, and she hallucinated him for months afterwards. Ugh. So many meltdowns ….. I seriously thought about having the relative banned from visiting her in memory care. By the time she was stage 6 she didn't have a lot of visitors and I knew who they all were, so I let everyone know what had happened and to please not give her any kind of bad news at all. Thankfully it worked.

So, depending on what stage your mom is, and what her behaviors are like, the consequences of bringing her can be serious. If it were me, I wouldn't bring her. I'd explain why you can't make it, and to give a gift. If your family is anything like mine, they'll understand.

Mom’s (61 w/Alzheimers) Sister Died Suddenly Due to Medical Malpractice

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