New here. Husband (67), to other husbands who understand the 5-year deficit

dialasmile · September 20

I am a 68-year-old husband, and my wife is 69. Last June (2025), she was formally diagnosed with mid-stage (Stage 5) Alzheimer's disease June 25'. I am transitioning her into a specialized memory care facility shortly. When I look at the calendar and look back at how we got here, I realize the painful truth that our emotional and companionate marriage actually ended about five years ago, back around 2020 when she was likely in Stage 1. For nearly five years now, I have lived in an increasingly silent house, watching my partner slip away while my role shifted entirely from husband to 24/7 care manage. While the outside world thinks the isolation and transition start on the day she moves into the facility, the reality is that I have already been completely alone for years. As the 2026 move-in date approaches, the reality of the empty house is hitting me hard. I am here because I am looking to connect with other husbands who understand this exact timeline. I am trying to navigate the complex feelings of grieving someone who is still physically here, while also acknowledging my own very real, human need for companionship, conversation, and a shared life moving forward. I'd appreciate hearing from any other men who have walked this path, dealt with the internal pressures, or figured out how to find a sense of personal life again while still ensuring their spouse receive the best professional care possible. Thanks,

blacksparky · September 20

Here’s my story from when I knew it was time to place my DW

It’s June 16 2026. Why do I mention this date? Pamella (my DW who is in stage 6 needing assistance in showering, dressing, toileting and medication), has had a few tough days and I have too. She has been agitated or crying most of the days and I am not sure how I can take care of her agitation or crying except to give her meds to calm her down and then she just gets comatose and dozes off. This is not what I want for either of us. I am at he point where every caretaker faces and that is I can’t help her as much as a memory care facility can. I am so mad at myself and feeling like I am letting her down but she has no idea even who I am and what care I have given her. I have an appointment with an elder care attorney next week to go over our trust to make sure everything is in line to stay qualified for Medi/Cal. I will also tour some 6 bed facilities in the next few weeks and try to decide which one will be the best for my dear Pamella and get on a waiting list. I love her so much and only want the best for her in what short life that she has left. It hurts my heart so much and I feel so guilty of letting her down even though I know I have done my best.
I found a place that I liked and my DW was placed on July 1st this year. Besides the guiilt the first couple of weeks, I then had to deal with being home alone. Everything in the house reminded me of her so I eventually took down all the pictures of her on the wall, repainted our bedroom a new color, got rid of fancy bedspread and replaced with a more masculine bedspread and moved her clothes to a spare bedroom closet. It’s been almost 3 months now and I’m finally getting used to my house now, My DW has acclimated well in her new home and likes it too. I visit her 3 times a week for a couple of hours each day. This seems to work for me as she really doesn’t remember my visits. I’m starting to get out more and socializing also. I still miss the women I married and I guess I’m in pre stage 8 grieving for my loss of her. Each day and week gets better for me and I know my DW is getting the care she needs. Hang in there my friend.

New here. Husband (67), to other husbands who understand the 5-year deficit

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