Parent fighting move

VAdaughter24 · September 27

Hi- I feel like I am in a situation with multiple circumstances and need advice.
My mom is in middle to late stage dementia. She currently lives at home with her husband but needs more care. I am in the final stages of signing her up for memory care.
Most days mom does not see that she needs to move and says she won’t do it.
Additionally her husband is not making the move and it is distressing to her. I have pleaded with him to say he’s staying back to sell the house and coming later but he won’t say this.
Finally, she says she won’t leave her dog. She is unable to care for a dog at this time on her own. Her husband is allowed to bring the dog to visit but she says she won’t move without it.
She was a strong-willed woman before dementia and that is even stronger now.
Any advice to ease her into this move without it being traumatizing? Thank you!

Emily 123 · September 27

I would recommend talking with the memory care facility about what moving day could look like. People here have taken family members in during a meal or activities and the staff takes over while the family member wanders off.

Constant discussion of the move will make her double down. Don't discuss the move with her from this point onwards. That includes her husband—he shouldn't try to prep her, since she doesn't have the cognitive reserve to be reasoned with or to see why she needs additional assistance. As much as you want her to agree to this, it sounds like she's not going to, so save yourself the argument and focus on moving forward. Your goal will be to keep her calm so you can get her in the facility. If not discussing a move keeps her calm, then that's got to be the plan. If you search for 'move' using the magnifying glass on the upper right hand side of the page you'll find a lot of threads :)

H1235 · September 28

Welcome. Will her husband support this move if she is not on board? Who holds the DPOA? Trying to to use logic with a person with dementia is often not effective. Sometimes it’s not effective even when dealing with people that don’t have dementia. There is a saying here never try to reason with a person with dementia. Getting her to consent to the move may never happen and leaving her in an unsafe environment is not good. Sometimes we have to prioritize proper care and safety over happiness and accept that our loved one is going to be mad at us. It’s awful!

VAdaughter24 · September 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/283245#Comment_283245

Thank you for your insight. Her husband and I both hold DPOA but do not have to act together. I believe he knows it is what’s best for her but is having a hard time which is understandable.

Parent fighting move

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